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My knees tremble aseveryone turns their heads and stares at me. Not good. Attention is never good. Never ever. That’s how you get yourself punished. Beaten, humiliated, hurt and…
Fuck, I’m spiraling again.
Clenching my fists, I forcibly slow my breathing. I need to keep my panic contained or they won’t let me go outside and someone will die. Because of me. I can’t let that happen.
I clear my constricted throat and look at Zarkan. “I’ll do it,” I repeat. “I’ll go outside.”
He frowns but before he can respond, Nikolai yanks on my hand, pulling me back to him. “Absolutely not! You’re not going anywhere, Z’Ree.” He’s furious but I know it’s only because he’s afraid. Afraid to lose me. The thought is heady.
With a smile, I caress his cheek, then turn back to the crew. They all stare at me like I’m a mildly interesting bug that crawled out from beneath a bench they were just sitting on. Nobody’s even considering my offer.
“That is not necessary, Z’Ree,” Zarkan says calmly. How can he be so calm when he just volunteered for a suicide mission? “We’ll handle it.”
A deeply ingrained instinct commands me to shut up and seek a place to hide. To make myself invisible, lest someone starts hurting me but I know that’s karli crap. Nobody here will punish me for speaking my mind. Now, if only my vocal cords could get that message and start working again.
“I will go,” I repeat with some effort. “I saw the insects. I should have told you a long time ago, but I was too afraid. It’s my fault the ship is damaged. Besides—”
D’Aakh interrupts me. “This is all very noble and admirable but we’re running out of time. Without shields, the ship won’t protect us from radiation for long. If we don’t hurry, it won’t matter who’s outside and who’s inside.”
“Right,” Zarkan agrees. “I’ll suit up. We can use the Dart’s comms to communicate since the Supernova’s are down.”
“Wait, we still have the Dart!” Faelin exclaims. “It has a hyperdrive. Why don’t we just take it and jump away? I know there’s not much space, but we’d squeeze in if we tried.”
D’Aakh shakes his head. “The space isn’t the issue, Faelin. Sure, we could all squeeze inside, but can you hold your breath for a couple of hours? The Dart’s life support system is designed to sustain six people. Eight would be a stretch. There’s ten of ushere. And even if we were willing to leave someone behind, we can’t.”
He brings up a schematic. “The hangar bay is pressurized. Without power, we can’t create the force field keeping the atmosphere inside once the doors are open. Not to mention that we have no way of opening the doors manually. We could try shooting our way out, but the resulting vortex caused by the pressure equalizing would most likely tear the Dart apart.”
“What about the escape pods?” Astra asks. “Like the one that took us down to that terrible spider planet? There was space for more than twenty people. We could leave the ship in a pod and wait until someone comes to rescue us.”
Again, D’Aakh rejects the idea. “Escape pods only have basic maneuvering thrusters. They’re not strong enough to get us out of the neutron star’s gravity well. I told you, we went through every option already. The one I’m suggesting is the only feasible one.”
“But that means Zarkan dies!” Faelin shouts. “And I’m not fucking okay with that!”
“You think I am?!” D’Aakh yells back at him. “Do you think I’m happy about any of this?! Do you?!!!”
Zarkan steps between them. “Calm down, both of you. It’s decided. Let’s move on with the plan.”
Everyone ignores me. Normally, it would make me happy but right now, I’m stewing.
Nikolai is holding me to his chest like I’m a baby that needs soothing and, well, I can’t hold it against him. I am a little bit unstable. I know he means well. I really do. Yet, I shove against his chest, squirming out of his arms.
“You’re not listening to me!” I yell. It’s more of a shrill shriek, really. I haven’t made a loud noise that wasn’t merely a scream in years. Now I’m screaming at a room full of people who look at me as if I’ve just lost my mind. Also, I’m only wearing a shirt thatbarely covers my bottom and I’m covered in cum. Fortunately, I lost my dignity a long time ago. Being a slave does that to a person.
“You didn’t let me finish!” I shriek into the stunned silence. Holy geodes, it feels so good to scream from the top of my lungs. Still, it doesn’t do much for my credibility, so I suck in a shaky breath to calm down a little. “Me feeling guilty isn’t the only reason I should be the one to go,” I continue in a slightly lower volume, “I should go because I’m a Silithrae.”
D’Aakh is the only one who clicks instantly. His antennae perk up and I can practically see the cogs in his head turning as he makes the calculations. “It could work,” he says. “It’s not completely safe, though. But yes, you should be the one to go.”
Nikolai steps forward, raising his fists. “What the fuck did you—”
I grab his arm and wait until he’s looking at me. “It’s alright, Nikolai. I’ll be fine. I’m a partially crystalline life form. Radiation doesn’t affect me the way it does you.”
“But…he said it’s not completely safe. I…I’ll go. I won’t let you put yourself in danger.”
He wraps his arms around me, tightening his hold until I can hardly breathe. “You’re sweet,” I tell him, “and I’m honored you care for me this much, Nikolai, but it has to be me. Please, let me go.”
“No,” he replies resolutely. “You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you.”
He might mean well, but I’m done with people telling me where I can and cannot go. And the clock is ticking. “So, you’ll keep me by your side?”
