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I sighed. “His name was Mo, short for Maurice.” I paused to take down a big swallow of wine. “He… He was…”
He put up a hand to stop me. “You don’t have to. I shouldn’t have asked.”
Our food arrived, and I stayed quiet until our waiter retreated.
I’d been given a reprieve, but it didn’t seem fair that I’d asked him to bare his soul and I was off the hook after starting us down this uncomfortable path. “Are you sure? I mean, I started this.”
His smile brightened. “How ’bout you tell me the history of Rossi’s instead?”
Relieved, I began. “It all started with my grandfather.”
Josh seemed genuinely interested as I explained the establishment of our first store and how my parents had grown it to be the chain it was today.
Josh posed only a few questions as I babbled on about our emphasis on working with the growers.
I’d agreed to dinner, and I did want us to get to know each other, but as I took in the man across from me, echoes of last night kept intruding. Now that I knew what I’d been missing, words could wait. We were on a happy topic, and one I could normally go on for hours about, but every question only delayed our departure. More than once, I lost my train of thought as his eyes roamed over me in an I-want-to eat-you-alive kind of way. My lady bits were so heated, I was squirming in my seat.
I’d been flapping my gums so long that more of my food was getting cold than getting eaten, while he’d slowly consumed most of his. “I’m not as hungry as I thought. Maybe we should call it a night.”
“Not yet, Nickels. This is get-to-know-you night, remember?” He looked at me over his wine glass. “And when did your father pass the torch to your uncle?”
The wine I sipped turned sour in my mouth as I remembered the horror of that time.
Keep it together, girl. You can get past this.
I couldn’t stomach calling him my uncle anymore. “Ernst took over after my parents died.” I blinked back tears. “They…” I paused, refusing to let history repeat itself. I would not let their deaths destroy me another time.
Josh reached across the table, and the touch of his hand drew my wet eyes to his. The pale blue of his gaze was oddly calming, as if holding contact with his eyes drew out some of the hurt, the anger, the dread I held within.
“You don’t need to go into that,” he said softly, with a tone as compassionate as his look.
I put my fork down and dabbed under one eye with my napkin. “No. I’m okay about it now. It’s not something I can hide from. They died in an accident.” It was time to slay this demon again, and not let it control me.
His fingers wrapped gently around mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You really don’t need to…”
Grasping the emotional life vest he offered would be letting the demons of my past control me once again. Their control had to end.
I wouldn’t let it rule my future. “I need to get this out.”
My therapist’s reminders came back to me. “Grief is okay,” she’d said. “Let it out. It’s a beast that needs to be let loose to be conquered. It only has power over you if it remains in the dark where it can torment you. Once out in the sunlight, you’ll be able to see it for what it is—a memory of a dark time that has passed. You can understand it as a part of your past that will never go away and at the same time refuse to let it rule your future.”
I sat up straighter. “They shouldn’t have…” I took a deep breath. “Let me back up and start at the beginning. I was away at school. Uncle Ernst…”
Fuck, I let myself call him my stupid uncle again.
I continued without correcting myself. “…had to be the one to call and tell me what had happened.” I allowed myself a sniff. “The hardest part was not being around, not being here for them.”
The warmth of Josh’s hand around mine drew out some of the hurt.
The beast was out in the open, and I could see it for what it was: a pathetic fear that lost strength in the light of day.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you.” The wetness in his eyes conveyed his compassion.
I would make his strength my own. “They shouldn’t have made the trip at night, I guess.” With my free hand, I twisted my wine glass like it was a sword plunging into the ugly beast on the table. “Anyway, that’s when Ernst took over. After graduation, I joined the company again.” I pulled my hand away. “It was a hard time, but I’m past it now.” I meant that. I had the strength to go on, the strength to live my future without being controlled by my past.
“Again?” he asked.
“Daddy had brought me into the company as a teenager, and I’ve never worked anywhere else.” I watched the demon disappear, and I put on the smile I deserved for having won this round.
