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Even though Kayla was quite a bit younger than me, I felt like I was in trouble. I’d seen her around town a couple times, and she had always come up and hugged me without pressing me for information. She crossed her arms and gave me an up-and-down look.
“What brings you out?” I asked, though I already knew the answer. Her brother was back in town, and she was protective of all her brothers.
“Youtouchedmy brother yesterday.” She said it in an accusatory way, as if I’d punched him.
I blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I’m just putting you on notice that Noah’s going to be in town for a while. When you see him, don’ttouchhim. It messeswith his head. And if you see him and tell him I said that … well, you’ll have other problems.”
I couldn’t believe what was happening, but I laughed. I had trained myself to laugh as a defense mechanism when Brian would threaten me. That training came in handy as I pushed past Kayla toward the front door. “I don’t respond to threats.” I pulled the key out of my sock and let myself in, ignoring her.
She was hot on my heels, grabbing the screen door before it closed and following me inside. “You told him you couldn’t be with him because you would always think of Greg. And I get that, but when my brother comes back to town because he’s worried about my dad and you touch him, it just … it just doesn’t let things die between you, does it?”
In the kitchen, I picked up dishes from the night before and did my best to ignore her. Kayla and I had never gotten into it before. I didn’t know what to do.
She moved closer to me and put her hands on my kitchen counter. “Tell me you heard what I said.”
Before I could even think about it, I whirled on her, feeling all of the defensiveness I’d had about my ex’s abuse triggered. “Get out of my house. Get out. This thing with me and your brother is going to stay between us, not involveyou.Stay out of my business.”
She sized me up one more time and then turned for the door. Then she hesitated, seeing the obituary I had left lying on the counter. Reading about my brother’s life was my ritual for this anniversary. Maybe it was because they were the only words of love my parents had ever written to him. They had never even talked about it with me.
“Oh my gosh.” Kayla put her hand to her mouth and then stared up at me. “That was today.”
I started to shake as her eyes went back to the obituary. “Get out. Now.” I couldn’t put the firmness in my voice this time.
Compassion softened her face. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.” She rushed out the door, pulling it closed behind her.
Chapter Five
Noah
I walked into the local church building, looking over its white-painted walls. During my past visits over Christmas, I’d come to church but not really participated. I’d always tried to remain invisible, making my mother happy that I was with the family while not actually engaging with anyone.
Today felt different.
I found my family’s pew and slipped in next to Jason, Damon’s six-year-old. Damon looked surprised and then smiled at us.
Jason solemnly leaned into me. I leaned back. It seemed like the boy wanted to say something.
“Do you have any gum?” he asked.
I cracked a smile. As a child, I’d always wanted gum in church. Luckily, I had some. I pulled out my pack and handed him a mint piece.
There was some shuffling farther down the row, and then little Trent, Damon’s four-year-old, was scooting past my mother and toward me. He had his hand out.
This was a fun game. I took another piece and handed it to Trent.
Surprisingly, the boy hugged me. I smiled down at him. He looked just like Sharon, his mother. When Sharon had left almost two years ago, Damon had explained that she didn’t want to be a mother and was going to California. Damon had gotten married before doing four years in the Marines and then coming back to Refuge Falls. Recently, he’d been promoted to sheriff. Small towns.
I looked over and saw my mother waving her hand, signaling that she wanted some gum too. I grinned and handed the pack to Damon, who passed it down the row so everyone could take a piece. Maybe it was a simple thing, to share a pack of gum in church with family, but it warmed my heart. Which was nice, because my mind had been a jumbled mess since I’d seen Ella yesterday.
McCrae and Canyon both grinned at me. Kayla wasn’t here. Neither was my father. Since Dylan had already gone back to Denver, I wasn’t surprised by his absence.
Pastor Jones began his sermon. “The greatest commandment we are given in the Bible is to love thy neighbor as thyself. I want to discuss that today. I want to start with asking you, could you love yourself as God loves you? Because so often I feel that society talks about this concept of self-love, but it doesn’t really talk about where the love of self can come from. It’s not a thing we have to look for or feel like we don’t have. God loves us just like He loved His son, Jesus Christ. That is how we should love ourselves. That is how we should love others. And because of that love, we can forgive others. We can forgive and rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ to make all things new again.”
Forgiveness. I thought of Ella. Would she ever forgive me? A dull ache filled my chest, just like it had on and off for the past eight years.
“I promise you that you can have healing in your life.” The pastor seemed to be looking right at me, making me straighten. Pastor Jones was about my parents’ age. He’d always taken turns with my father before my father had retired from his pastor duties.
