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“You have to forgive yourself for what happened.”
I was stunned she was talking to me about this. “What?”
“For Greg’s death, girl,” she said, her tone soft. “He wouldn’t want you to keep punishing yourself … or Noah. You need to find a way to forgive.”
I was quiet, but my heart raced. Annoyingly, tears sprang to my eyes. Mercy knew what tomorrow was. She knew that it was my fault, and Noah’s fault. “I …”
“Just turn back and come to town and have dinner with me. Let’s talk this through.”
My hands shook on the steering wheel, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with fury. I was angry at Mercy, angry at Noah, and angry that I had to explain myself, because Mercy probably did know more about the whole situation than anyone else. She hadn’t been there that day, but she was my best friend. I’d cried to her over the years and talked about everything. She was a key factor in why I’d felt like I could come back to Refuge Falls. She’d always made me feel understood and safe.
“I will never forgive him or myself. You know that.” My mouth was dry. “I will see you Monday.”
I hung up. There was no point in staying on the phone and arguing with Mercy.
My eyes burned again. I let out a frustrated scream and pounded the steering wheel. Why had Noah Armstrong come back to Refuge Falls? Why had I tried to talk to him and touched his arm? Why was I even thinking about the way he’d looked at me when I’d told him I was sorry about his dad?
I put the phone down and focused on the road, then took the turn toward my home. The road was winding, and I passed a few other houses on the lake.
The sight of my home nearly took my breath away, and it had a calming effect on me. This was my home. Mine. I could hide away as long as I needed to.
I would go back to work on Monday. I wouldn’t let the past control me. Not my abusive ex, not the man who’d broken my heart, and not losing my brother.
Once I parked and got out of the car, I walked toward the edge of the dock and sucked in a long breath, relishing the peace and quiet of the lake. I was okay. I was.
My grandparents had always taught me and my brother that we were in control of our lives. We weren’t simply agents that were acted upon. No. We made our own choices.
Well, I would never choose to forgive Noah Armstrong. That would be like saying it was okay that Noah had chosen me that day on the ledge.
And it wasn’t.
Chapter Three
Noah
I took the turn toward my family’s property and told myself to ignore the old feelings about Ella that had surfaced. Too bad I couldn’t. There really wasn’t a way to ignore the woman I’d been running from for the past eight years.
Granted, I’d tried to forget about the past, to forget about growing up with that girl and loving her since I was twelve. I’d tried to forget that I’d told her we would get married after my first year in the Marines and her first year of college in California.
I’d tried to forget her brother, who had been like family to me. Pain filled my chest at the memory. She had told me she could never be with me because she would always think of that day when her brother had died. More than devastated, I’d been wrecked and blindsided by how she could just cut me out.
The next time I’d come home for leave, my mother had told me her parents had moved and she’d gone to California to school. It hadn’t really surprised me.
Three years ago, on Christmas day, I’d seen her grandmother at church, and she’d told me she was sorry—that Ella was engaged to another man. I’d hated it, and it’d stung, but it hadn’tbeen unexpected. But now … why was she back in Refuge Falls? Where was her husband? I knew she’d become a nurse, but I’d never seen her in a nurse uniform like today. It was stupid, but it had me off guard. When she’d touched me so casually, I’d been struck hard enough to feel like I’d been assaulted.
There was something about her now. Something that looked almost haunted.
I dismissed the thought. Why would I care? I was going to use the next couple days to check on dear old Dad, help my mom, then get myself out of here.
When I got to the gate of my family property, I typed in the code, but it didn’t work. Frustrated, I pressed the button.
“It’s about time you got here,” Damon’s crackly voice said from the speaker. “One, two, three, four.”
I grimaced, typing in the number. What a crappy security code. Were my parents really not more secure than that? Plus, it was Damon who was doing the ribbing, and I couldn’t get back at him. He’d been divorced for two years, and Mom had mentioned he was struggling with his two kids. I’d gone easy on him the past couple of years at Christmas. My sister Kayla had told me she was worried about him. He worked too hard, and he didn’t ask for enough help with the kids.
The Jeep rolled down the long driveway, crawling up the side of a hill until the ground leveled off and I was at my parents’ place. When my mother and father had made their money, they’d not only bought real estate and developed the resort; they’d also bought quite a lot of land on this side of the lake, and they’d built this house for themselves.
I parked and got out, recognizing most of my brothers’ vehicles and my sister’s car. The house was huge, and I walked up the stairs, feeling a little overwhelmed by the massive cabin with the wraparound porch. I didn’t know whether to knockor just walk in, which was rather silly. This was my childhood home.
