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I think about their reasoning a lot. I think of the people I’ve met who have sworn off dating because too many women or menhave done them wrong. The people who grew up in shitty homes who swear they will never have children, never trust a partner.
I can’t blame them for their views. I get it…I just want to be their exception. We can hate the world together. I can hate the world with them. I know I can.
And that’s what it all comes down to.
I munch on the hot chips I’ve bought and glare out the window. They could have tried, but they didn’t even meet me halfway.
I could walk away from these alphas. I could live a life without them, knowing they are here and together. Could I find a satisfactory life without them? My mind tells me I could, I could thrive, survive, I could find someone who would love me, and I could love them. But it would be a tepid love, just a shade of what I could have with them. I can listen to the words they have been telling me, and I can get up and walk away. Salvage my pride and ego and broken heart, go home, and find a mediocre life.
Or I can stay, and I can fight. I can put my heart on the line and trust fate and destiny, and I can fight for them. It would probably bring up a lot of trauma history for them. They were so sure they would not have me, though.
And they are right.
I think I should leave them. They have suffered enough, and I have the means to get home now. The means to find my dad. I should just take it and go.
I start the car, wipe my greasy hands on my jeans, and drive slowly through town. I don’t know why I drive past the bar. It’s open, and there is a huge queue. And that cements my decision because if they can have it open, then they are working, and they don’t care. It’s not like I’ve gone out of my way to hide from them. Surely, they’d have GPS tracking on their own car. I’ve been expecting a cop to pull me over every time I start driving.
And just like that, the glow of the bar’s lights and Dynasty is gone. It’s just me and the car hurtling towards my lackluster fate.
I get to the edge of town and pull over. I stare at the sign. But I can’t do it.
I get out and kick the car, screaming and crying. It’s not fair that I found them, I fell for them, and now I can’t leave when they rejected me?
This is agony.
I crouch down, sobbing so hard I can’t breathe properly. But I can’t take a single step towards that sign. I cannot make myself leave them.
After a while, the tears stop, and I stand up and reluctantly go back to the car. I get behind the wheel and turn the car around and drive back into the city.
Defeated again.
Three weeks have passed.I’m in a stalemate with the city limits. It won’t let me leave, from any point. And now I’m running low on funds. I don’t think I even have enough to get back home at this point.
I’ve tried applying for jobs, but for every job advertised, about thirty people apply, and without a phone, I’m simply finding out about the jobs too late.
You could go back to them.
I nix that idea in the bud. There is no way I’m going back to them. I want to leave them. It’s the only fair and right thing to do. I set my shoulders stubbornly and get out of the car. Making sure to lock it because I can’t lose it.
The cops already gave me two tickets for parking in the wrong spot. One of them scared me half to death, knocking on the window in the middle of the night. The weather has gotten colder, though, and I’m really scared of losing that car.
I walk into the shelter and smile at the woman who walks forward to meet me. The building is clean but run down. The beige walls and carpets have seen better days. But the lack of chairs, the absence of everything, gives me chills.
“Hi, I’m Katie. Welcome to the Calter Shelter. How can I help you today?”
“Hi, I’m just wondering if you do any food or-” I trial off as the smile disappears from her face.
She plays with her skirt and can’t quite meet my eyes.
“Unfortunately, we don’t. We just had too many problems sourcing it. So, there’s nothing.”
I give her a tight smile, hiding the desperate feeling that’s clawing at my chest.
“It’s fine. It will all be fine. I’m good.” My false bravado isn’t going to keep saving me. One of these days, I won’t have anything left.
“Hold on, wait a minute, if you need somewhere to stay-”
“Oh, no, I’ve got my car. I’m good.”
