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Amanda’s head cocked. “How did you know?”
“Because it’s the same thing you always tell me. And I try to be more ambitious, I really do, but you know how nervous I get. It’s like all of it is there inside me, but I just need to find a way to drag it out of myself.”
Her friend pouted her lips, assessing her for a moment. “Have you tried getting laid?”
Eden blushed, the tips of her ears turning red-hot. “Come on, Amanda, you know I’m not like that. The last time I tried to do casual, it . . . ended badly.”
“I’m not talking about ‘casual.’ I think it’s time you actually put yourself out there a bit more. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time you were in a relationship. Have you considered that maybe all this confusion you’ve got going on with your sexuality is holding you back?”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” Eden said glumly, folding her arms. “Besides, I don’t have time to date. I need to focus on auditioning.”
Amanda narrowed her eyes, clearly debating whether or not to drop the subject. “I heard that Sarah D just got cast in a big musical,” she said, her voice turning snippy.
“Which one is she, the one with the hair?”
“Nah, you’re thinking of Sarah H. Sarah D is the one with the boobs. I think Sarah H now works in finance.”
Eden raised an eyebrow. That was unexpected. Sarah H-whatever-her-name-was, from their time at Mountglad Academy of Performing Arts, had always struck her as a little bit dim. Back when Eden was a bright-eyed twenty-one-year-old, fresh out of university and ready to take the theatre world by storm. But the past fourteen years had opened Eden’s eyes to reality.
“Which musical?” she asked, any creeping jealousy curbed by her relative distaste for musicals in general. Give her classical theatre any day.
“The Phantom of the Opera. She’s playing Carlotta, so, not the lead.” Amanda examined her fingernails, acting as unaffected as her sullen friend. “Though I hear it’s going to be closing soon.”
“Don’t be petty.” Eden smirked before sipping her tea. “You don’t even sing.”
Amanda sniffed before retoring, “I would for that paycheck.”
Eden felt that. Each month, she seemed to be having to adjust her belt more and more tightly, the strain on her finances a constant source of stress. Each year, her roommates seemed to be getting younger, too. Or rather,shewas getting older, and one by one, the people in her age group were moving on to different things. They were getting married, or buying houses. It was terrifying.
“Do you ever think about going and working in finance, or something?” Eden asked her friend, the familiar anxiety rising in her gut.
Amanda shrugged, “Sure, sometimes I think about it—finding a steady job that pays well. I’ve got a friend who works in sales for this media company, and she makes an absolute fortune. Who doesn’t want that?”
Eden chewed her lip. “I just don’t think I could do it. I love acting too much. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, even if it is a struggle sometimes.”
“I hear you. But that’s why I think it would be great to see you settle down with someone. You wouldn’t have to go it alone, you know?” Amanda sighed, “I really do get worried about you sometimes. I know you don’t want to talk about this, but have you even told your parents that you’re gay?”
Eden winced, “Not exactly, but it’s not like they particularly care. Too busy adventuring around Australia.”
“I still can’t imagine your dad in shorts and sandals,” Amanda said, with a shudder. “But you really should tell them. I think it will release some tension for you. Or at least, tell our other friends.”
“It’s not like the subject ever comes up! What would I do, have a coming-out party? I’m not a teenager anymore. It’s none of their business. If they just assume I’m straight because of howI look, not to mention the parts I get cast in, then that’s their problem—not mine.”
“See, there’s that hostility,” Amanda quipped. “I think you’re scared of who you really are, Eden. It’s holding you back.”
“How is it holding me back, exactly?”
Amanda leaned back for a moment, chewing over her response. “Acting is all about understanding a character, you get me? Being confident enough in your knowledge of someone else that you can step into their shoes, and really be them. How can you manage that, when you haven’t even figured out how to understand yourself?”
Eden swallowed, her throat suddenly thick, her skin crawling at her friend’s uncanny perception. Nobody else would be as brutally honest with her, and it wasn’t nice.
“What would you have me do?” she asked, throwing her hands up in frustration, while fighting back tears.
Amanda reached forward and took one of her hands. “Open yourself up a bit. Try and meet new people, even if you’re not expecting anything from it. Date, laugh, kiss, all of that stuff. Get to know yourself a bit better and spend some time with this part of yourself.”
It wasn’t the worst advice.
But it filled Eden with such an overwhelming sense of dread that she had to squeeze her eyes shut for a moment, so the tears wouldn’t fall. She wasn’t good at dating, at love, at any of that. She was too critical of herself. Too focused on her need to be perfect. It was exhausting enough just walking through life that way, let alone always having someone around to watch her struggle.
