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“Never.” Rose’s heart pumped.
She considered telling the girls that she wasn’t trying to put this on Oren for reasons of jealousy or revenge.
“Natalie has never been far from my mind,” Rose said instead, her voice wavering. “I feel closer to her than ever. I think I feel I owe her something, especially now. Maybe that’s why I wanted to buy the old house. I wanted to put the pieces together. I wanted to make sense of my life, as well as hers.”
Rose’s eyes filled with tears.
I’m so grateful he let me live,she thought.
She hadn’t considered that yet.
“I could never figure Oren out,” Rose whispered. “Not for one second of our romance. Not for one second of our marriage. Sometimes, I wonder if the devastation of our marriage is the reason I haven’t been able to find love again. Sometimes, I wonder if Oren ruined me.”
The other Salt Sisters exchanged glances. Rose could see it in their eyes.They’d wondered the same thing.
They urged her to say if she needed help.
But what could Rose do but continue to go through Natalie’s things? What could she do but continue to fall down the rabbit hole of her ex-husband’s first wife’s life?
Chapter Fourteen
August 1993
Rose had begun to break the rules.
She was getting rash about it, breaking past Mrs. Walden’s boundaries and rules in the style of a woman with nothing to lose. The reality, of course, was that she hadeverything to lose.But she’d once heard that life began at the edge of her comfort zone. Wasn’t that why she’d left Mississippi in the first place? Wasn’t that why she’d come all the way here?
After the children went to bed most nights of the week, she changed her clothes, put on lipstick, and tiptoed through the massive house to find Oren in his quarters with a bottle of whiskey and plenty to say. It was these evenings that enlivened her. Oren seemed to have ideas about everything: novels and movies and travel and politics. Rose had never met anyone like him before. She found herself obsessing over what he’d told her the night before, so much so that she was often distracted from her duties with the children. She paid for this a few timeswhen one of the boys got hurt when she should have been watching or when Evie threw a rock at Kate after Kate teased her too much. Rose always hopped to it, remembering herself and what she’d come there to do. She had to protect the children. She had to remain awake, even if she was borderline obsessed with Oren and wanted to think about nothing else.
A private part of her mind said,Soon, I won’t have to worry about babysitting. I’ll be someone’s bride.
Rose knew it wasn’t right. She knew that Oren had just lost his wife and that he was still grieving. A part of her was terrified that he would shake himself free of the summer, move to the city and find a bride there, somebody who better suited him. Somebody who actually knew more about literature, movies, and psychology. But for whatever reason, he remained at the Walden Estate, waiting for something. Sometimes, Rose liked to guess that he stayed there for her.
That August night, a storm rolled over the island and slashed lightning bolts through the sky. Rose hovered at the window of Oren’s study with a glass of whiskey in her hand. Oren was playing Prince on vinyl, and he was more animated than she’d seen him, dancing around. Twice, he touched her on the shoulder and sang, his eyes on hers. A shiver ran down her spine.
Tonight was important for two reasons.
One, this was the last time Oren ever spoke about Natalie.
Two, this was the first night Oren and Rose kissed.
Natalie came up because of Prince.
Oren said, “Natalie always hated this song.”
And Rose said, “How could she? It’s so good!”
Oren’s lips twisted into a smile. “I knew you had a more advanced mind when it comes to music.”
Rose beamed. She tried to parse through her memories for proof of that, something she’d said or done that indicated she knew more about music than others. But the fact that Oren said it aloud had to be enough.
“I have to wonder sometimes,” Oren said. “Would Natalie and I have gotten divorced if she was still here?”
Rose kept a soft smile on her lips. She wanted to consider that Oren could never have loved Natalie the way he was falling in love with Rose. She had to believe it.
Oren stopped dancing and leaned against his desk. Behind him, lightning veined the night sky. Rose swayed in time to the music, wanting him to think she was beautiful and was alwaysin the moment.
“Sometimes I wonder if she ever really loved me,” Oren said.
