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Zuriel remained motionless, waiting for me to continue.
After curling and uncurling my fingers a few times, I managed to get out, “I thought I could handle him on my own. Iwantedto handle him on my own, to prove that I didn’t need anyone to take care of me. But then I couldn’t.”
My cousin’s eyes softened even more. “Oh, Izidora–”
I shook my head, cutting him off. I needed to get the words out. “I was so scared, not being able to use my power.” Hot tears spilled over and raced down my cheeks. Then, the truth of the matter slipped free after them. “I want someone to protect me, but I want to be strong on my own. I want to feel safe, to feel like I have the freedom to relax, but every time I turn around, there’s some new threat that sweeps those feelings just out of reach. Will anything I do ever be enough? Or will I be forever cursed to vacillate between stolen moments of peace and fear?”
Zuriel scooted closer, then switched to sitting cross-legged. Curving his spine, he lowered his head to meet mine and took my hands. “You can be strong on your own and still have the protection of others, cousin. You do not have to rely solely on yourself. Nor do you have to prove anything by doing so. No one will think you weak if you remain tucked in the net of safety that the people who love you provide. Ruslan tortured himself for months after he allowed you to wander off on your own because he thinks he should have been the one to retrieve the necklace for you.”
I nodded, more heat searing my cheeks as tears continued to fall. None of it was Ruslan’s fault, despite the blame he placed on himself. He’d done everything to protect me, and I’d still insisted on being independent.
How could I have both?
As if Zuriel was reading my mind, he said, “In this coming war, he will not let you out of his sight, of that I am certain. But you are strong, and you can fight with us on the battlefield. The two of you are mated and possess unique powers becauseof it. Utilize that advantage and find the overlap where Ruslan’s protection allows you to tap into the immense well of magic in your chest.”
With the backs of my hands, I dried my eyes. “He’s exactly what I needed.”
A small half-smile tugged up the corner of Zuriel’s mouth. “I know.”
“But these emotions…” I trailed off, closing my fist over my heart and giving my chest a thump. Dropping my head, I sucked in a serrated breath. “I don't want to have to hold all this myself. Don’t think I can. It’s going to consume me.”
“Let me help you bear the burden,” Zuriel said quietly, and I lifted my gaze to meet his sincere one.
“Another session?” I asked.
“If that is what you wish, then we shall do it,” he replied, straightening.
The work would be hard, but worth it, especially if it could provide me with a modicum of relief from the feeling of Kazimir’s hands on my skin, his mouth searing into mine as he forced a kiss on me. So, I crossed my arms over my chest and began to tap.
Down I delved into the memory of what had happened there in the winter, the moments coming back with the same clarity as the open sky above us. As if I was there again, a crisp breeze caressed my face, turning biting as we raced, blind, into the Agrenak Mountains. Hoofbeats filled my ears.
And Itrembled.
“I couldn’t access my magic,” I whimpered, terror flooding me anew. The tapping quickened as the feeling of being gagged returned. “I tried and tried and tried. I didn’t want to have to be saved again. I didn’t want to be a victim again.”
Sweat beaded on the back of my neck, then dripped cold down my spine.
“Kazimir always made me feel like I needed to be saved by him. That I should have been grateful to be saved by him. I didn’t realize the difference between him and Ruslan until so much later. Didn’t realize how fucked up his actions and words were when I had nothing else to compare them to. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t healthy?” A choked sob slipped out with my question.
“Keep going,” Zuriel encouraged, his tone soft like a warm caress.
“Thank me for saving you. Call me your hero,”Kazimir had commanded while we had sex on more than one occasion. Memories of him moving inside me while those praises breathed in his direction made my skin crawl.
“Why didn’t I see it?” I whimpered as the tangled web of my relationship with Kazimir began unfurling.
Kazimir went from being my savior to my kidnapper. Ruslan went from being my kidnapper to my empowerer. One set me free only to try to chain me. The other chained me in order to set me free.
“How could you have seen it?” Zuriel challenged, though bite was absent from his tone.
“I couldn’t,” I whispered, and he nodded.
“Can you forgive yourself for that?”
His question slammed into me and stole my breath. I was blaming myself for so many things that happened that were outside of my control. Kazimir’s depravity was not my fault. His manipulations were not my fault. He took advantage of my naivete and didn’t think twice about it. Didn’t even try to deny it when I confronted him about it.
“I forgive myself for trusting him.” Saying the words aloud opened something in the space between my ribs, relieving a profound ache I hadn’t known existed. The tapping continued with more fervency as I tried to rid myself of this blame. “Iforgive myself for not doing more to protect myself because I was already doing everything within my power.” I dragged in another breath. “I forgive myself for placing the fault on my own shoulders rather than where it deserves to be laid.”
Chest continuing to expand, I repeated my affirmations, “I am safe. I am strong. I am powerful. I am an insidious bloom.”
