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“Ohhh.” Marvin has seen it all, and the fact that he is rendered speechless in this moment only feeds my guilt. “You can always invite her to the premiere.” Jokes. He tells me jokes when what I need is a punch in the gut.
“I screwed up. Bad.” It’s not that I developed feelings for her, but she did too. I let her get close, knowing I wasn’t showing her all of me. Knowing where the road we walked would lead. She told me as much. Begged me. And I lied. “I let her fall for a guy who doesn’t exist. The truth hurt her.” I hear my choice of words. This wasn’t something that just happened to Zara. It’s time I took responsibility for my actions. “I hurt her. I knew it was a possibility all along. I didn’t walk away when I should have. This is all on me.”
“Flowers or chocolates?” Marvin asks a question I have no idea what he means.
“What?”
“Flowers or chocolates? Which does she prefer? Most women fall into one category or the other. My wife is team flowers. Large, colorful, expensive bouquets.”
I wish it were that simple. “It’s going to take more than flowers or chocolates. She has a latte addiction. I could send her a lifetime subscription, and it wouldn’t be enough.”
“I hear you. You know my mantra when it comes to advice.” I sort through the reams of free advice Marvin has given me over the years. He’s not just an agent but a mentor. The fact that he took a chance on a young, unproven actor still shocks me to this day. My silence lets him know I’m clueless.
“I can’t believe you aren’t writing these down. Someday, I’ll be retired on a beach in Mexico.” His chuckle has the opposite effect he’s aiming for. Part of me is pleased to hear that he’s working on an exit strategy and planning a well-deserved retirement, but all I hear at this moment is that I’ll be on my own. “Okay, make a note this time. If your life were a movie, what would the next scene look like?”
I shake my head, my voice tinged with frustration “No. I’m done with all this Hollywood pretense. The lights, the cameras, the deceit. It’s what got me into this mess in the first place.”
“Hold on, listen to my words again—if your life were a movie.” He pauses, and I think of the thousands of films I’ve watched; the hundreds of scripts I've read. Everything from script construction, character arcs, direction, dialogue, set design, costumes, action, music. “This time, no one is feeding you the lines. No one is giving you directions. You’re the all-powerful, all-knowing producer of your life.”
I nod. Marvin’s vision slowly comes into focus. “What would I like to see happen next?” I whisper the words to myself.
“Yes. That’s it. Don’t let life happen to you. Take control and write your own story.”
“Make it happen,” I whisper. I picture Zara sitting across the café at her favorite seat by the window, head down. She’s been staring out the window, thinking she was merely watching life go by, but she’s been crafting her own story. Each outfit she creates is another chapter, a testament to her resilience. Despite the soul-crushing office routines, the poisonous office politics, Michael leaving her abandoned at the last minute, and, a fooldenting her mascot head, she persevered. I didn’t just deceive her, I deceived myself. I thought I was an ally, but I’ve only become the biggest hurdle in her path. I can’t accept that.
I won’t accept that. I refuse to let this be the end of her story. I must fix this.
“Sounds like you know what to do now.”
“Not quite.” Zara placed her dream in my hands to safeguard, and my deceit shattered it into a hundred little pieces. I must put it back together. “But it’s coming together. I’m going to need your help.”
He laughs. “The best plans usually do.”
“Do you have a casting director who owes you a favor?” A germ of an idea grows in my head. I’m constructing the next scene on the fly.
“How about ten of them? Tell me what you need.”
I feed Marvin what I seek. I give broad strokes of my developing plan. I do what few directors do with actors—we spitball together. We collaborate, and I realize the magic of Hollywood math. One plus one is greater than two.
We strategize for twenty more minutes. The kernel of my idea transforms into an elaborate scheme. “Got it. I’ll start making calls right away. Stay close to your phone. Do you have everything you need?” Marvin asks.
“Not quite. There’s one more piece. And it’s going to be ten times harder than what I’ve placed on your plate.” During our discussion, I realized the giant hole in my plan. One that will require cooperation from someone who will never pick up the phone.
I thank Marvin and quickly scroll and tap the call button. My heart leaps into my throat as the line clicks. By some miracle, she picks up. “Don’t hang up please! Not until you hear me out.” I don’t give her a second to speak. Not a moment to second-guess why she decided to answer my call.
If my life is a movie, I’m never on the stage alone. No one likes a one-man show. This next scene will need Marvin’s assistance. I’m going to need help. But most of all, I need Zara, and this is the only play I have to get her on board.
“I can fix this,” I plead. If she were in front of me, I’d be on my knees. I pour everything I have into the phone. Gone is the pretense of being a stumbling barista. Gone is the Hollywood polish. It’s just me, my words, and my heart asking for forgiveness.
I’m asking for a lot. I’m asking her to listen to me. I’m asking her to believe me. I’m asking her to trust me.
My voice cracks as I realize the importance of this moment. Emotions I didn’t feel when auditioning for any Hollywood role. This is my life. And I want this. I want her. I won’t go down without giving everything I have.
Fast forward me hopes to be writing sequel after sequel of the story of me and Zara. But present me knows none of it is possible if I don’t make it through my next scene. A scene that falls apart if I don’t get the woman on the line to agree.
“You have two minutes, then I’m hanging up,” she delivers the line with a detached coldness that should put me on my heels. But I don’t falter.
I’ve been in this industry long enough to know two minutes is a lifetime. I clear my throat and exhale.
