Page 62 of Secrets

Panic fills him. "You don't want to be an old lady, or you don't want to bemyold lady?"

"I hate the club right now," Hannah says, her voice barely above a whisper.

"But-"

"I fucking hate Dove, but, sure, I can look past that at some point. Maybe. I got stabbed. Fuck it. I lived. But what I can't get over right now is how I never got to say goodbye. And the more I learn about how Dani died, the angrier I get at every single one of you. You want to believe she died in a house fire, but I know it wasn't that innocent. I know it ties to the club, and I lost her and had to miss the funeral. I fucking hate the club right now."

The words bring the tears he'd kept at bay out, and he blinks, a few falling down his face. "And me. You hate me, too. Say it, Hannah. You hate me, too."

The last thing he ever expected was to hear Hannah say she hates the club, but more than that, he never expected the day to come where she hates him. Not when he loves her so damn much.

"I'm angry with you. I'm really angry, and I'm hurt. I'm not doing a great job at separating the feelings and who they're directed towards right now."

Looking at the ceiling, he lets out a breath. "But you don't hate me?"

"Not yet," she says, and he looks at her. "But if I don't get away to figure out if I can get over this, I'm pretty sure I will. And as angry and as hurt as I am with you and your actions, I don't want to hate you, Rocky. Deep down, I know I love you. The problem is... I can't see it right now. I don't feel it. It's hidden behind this cloud of anger and frustration and resentment, but I don't want to hate you."

"You know where you're going, don't you?"

She nods. "Yes."

"Where?"

"I'm not going to tell you."

Hannah doesn't trust him, and that hurts almost as much as thinking she hates him. "Do you need money?"

The shocked look on her face hurts even more. At this point, she just shoved five daggers into his damn chest, and even though he's bleeding out all over the floor, he can't be angry. Not when she expected him to force her into staying by denying her the financial support she's more than entitled to.

"I didn't... I didn't know you'd be willing to give me anything."

"It's your money, too. And if letting you go means you won't hate me, I'll give you whatever you need. I just need to know," he says and wipes his face with his hands. "I just need to know if you're coming back to me or not."

"I don't know," she whispers, her eyes looking at the ground. "I wish I could give you an answer, but I really don't know."

He lets the tears fall as he looks up at the ceiling again. Wiping them does nothing at this point. "I love you, Hannah. I hate this is how you feel, and I would give anything to take it away. All of it. I don't want you to ever be anything but happy, and I wish I could make you love me again. But I can't. Just... do me one favor?"

"What's that?"

"When you think that you won't ever come back to me, promise you'll remind yourself how much I love you. I know you don't really believe that because of the Dove thing, but I do. And I'm letting you go with full access to our money because I'm putting faith in the fact that this distance will bring you back to me. You're not really here with me right now, anyway, and it's killing me. I just pray you find you are the happiest with me rather than without me."

Tears fall down her cheeks as he finally dares to look at her. "I don't want you to think this is some sort of revenge or something. I want to be honest with you, Rocky. Regardless of whether it's now or later, I'm leaving. But leaving now keeps the door open to possibly come back. If I stay now, I really feel like the leaving later will be permanent."

"So, I have to lose you now, possibly permanently, to possibly keep you down the road? Or, I can keep you and definitely lose you down the road? Is that right?"

Nodding her head, she bites her trembling lip.

"Then I want to take the chance that might bring you back to me. I'll pray you do, baby, because living without you isn't really living for me."

"Well, you always have Dove," she says and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. It just really bothers me because when you were locked up... the prison clause never meant shit to me. I chose you and only you. It feels like I'm the one chosen when I'm readily available. Out of sight, out of mind. That's what hurts. I would choose you over anyone, whether you were with me or not, but you didn't choose me. And seeing her there in the clubhouse every time we go is just a reminder of that."

Her words feel like a sixth dagger added to his chest, and he gets it. Understands. He's such an asshole for not thinking that when it came to light that it wouldn't bother her. Or that he never thought about the fact she’d see Dove around.

Being with Dove never really made him feel better, but it was a distraction. A terrible distraction and one even Dax knew wouldn’t help. He hasn’t been with anyone since Dani, but Rocky went out and hooked up with a club bunny on a regular basis while his girl was gone but still alive. There’s nothing he can say to make any of this right again.

"Can I hold you for just a second?" Rocky asks, holding back the sob as he realizes he created half of this mess for himself.

"Rocky-"

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