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I laugh, but she doesn’t look like she’s joking. “Nah, I’m good. Maybe later.”
“Suit yourself.” Bonnie chews absently on the end of her pencil as she goes back to her puzzle.
I find Anne curled up on the couch with a book. For once the TV is off. I can't tell if she's so engrossed that she doesn't notice me or if I'm being actively ignored. It's not until I sit down next to her that she finally looks up to acknowledge my presence.
"Hey. Whatcha reading?"
She wrinkles her nose at me, then looks back down at the pages. "Not like you care."
"Of course I care." I put a hand on her shin, but she pulls it away, tucking it in under herself.
"You say that, but it's not like you’re ever here. You’re too busy running off with yourboyfriends." She glances up accusingly, then looks back at the book.
I get it. It’s been the two of us against the world for a long time. I was just a kid when I was handed the responsibility of taking care of her, and even though sixteen must have seemed ancient when she was seven, I wasn’t like her old nanny. This life hasn’t been fair to either of us, but here we are.
Messed up step-sisters. Sorta.
"You didn't seem like you cared if I was around or not. You’ve had Bonnie to play games with, and she lets you do whatever you want. I shouldn’t have stayed out all night, though, I'm sorry about that."
"Nights. With ans. You got hurt, and Dad was so mean. It's scary without you. I had a nightmare last night."
"Bonnie's been here. She's good, right?"
Anne looks harder at her book, like she can stare holes right through it. She's not reading anything, unless she's learned to doit without moving her eyes. "Yeah. She’s nice I guess. But she's not you."
"Listen. I’m doing the best I can, okay? I don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“But you said you quit! I don’t want to go back without you! You've made new friends and you’re going to leave me. Nobody really wants me around. Dad doesn't even care."
"What? No!" I can’t give up my chance at freedom because she’s mad. Is it so bad that I grab the opportunity to live a little too? I know she’s only twelve and has a lot of reasons to be scared and angry right now, but I feel a trickle of annoyance seeping in anyway. "Listen, I'll try to be around more, okay? No one else, just us. And Bonnie, if that's okay with you."
"Whatever." She’s not going to forgive me quite yet, but she lets me put my hand on her leg and squeeze her ankle.
Except I’m going with them to follow the instructions for the note later. "But I have to go out tonight and do something for the club. I won’t be out all night though, it’s not a date or a party. I promise."
She snatches her leg away again. "Yeah, right."
I don't think I'm cut out for this. "Sometimes I have to do things that don’t involve you. I know you’re not used to it, but I’m notjustyour nanny anymore."
Wrong thing to say. "It's all about you, isn't it?" she snaps angrily. Her voice rises with every word. "Dad wants you, those guys want you. Nobody gives a shit about me, not even my own father!"
"Come on, Anne, that's not fair. Of course I care about you, but there’s more on the line here than a midnight snack. Or finishing your math homework. You aren’t a little kid anymore, and you’ve seen everything that’s happened lately. I’m struggling, too. Give me a break.”
She buries her face in the book, eyes tightly shut. Looking like she's trying not to cry. "Just go out with your boyfriends. I don't care anyway."
“They’re not my boyfriends.” Is that true? Or a lie? I’m not sure right now, and there are bigger problems to deal with. "I'm coming back, okay? We're going to figure this out. I promise."
“You better.” She takes the book, gets up and stomps to our room, slamming the door behind her.
Perfect. Just perfect.
Throwing my head back on the couch, I let out an exasperated sigh. How am I supposed to fix this? I love her, but I can’t fix this, and we aren’t in her father’s carefully constructed world anymore. It was easy to give her all my attention when that was all I had to do, but as much as I want to make her happy, I can’t go back to that. It would kill me.
"It's not easy at that age," Bonnie says from the doorway. "She's hurt. She's feeling alone, and she's jam packed with hormones that her body has no idea what to do with. This is a pretty rough situation for any twelve-year-old to deal with."
“You’re right. I know you are. I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.”
“The right answer is never the one that makes you be less than your full self. If you give up everything that makes you you inorder to make her happy, it isn’t real.” Bonnie sighs, her gaze going to one of General’s pictures. “My mother and I were at each other’s throats constantly. I grew up in what felt like a war zone and every decision I made was based on what would piss her off the most. Meeting General actually helped level me out if you’d believe it. I was on a fast trip to nowhere, and he took one look at me and knew we were meant for each other. It took me a little longer, but not much. He felt like home. As soon as I stopped fighting that little voice, everything clicked into place. Anne is angry at the world right now and you are the only person she knows she can yell at and still be loved. It’s a fucked up kinda trust, but it’s real. Be her safe space, but don’t give in. She’ll come around eventually.”
