AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“You know, I think I did. I was in the bathroom at the time, and came back in to all this commotion. Some girl interrupting rehearsal. Maybe you could give me the summary?”
He heard every word and there still isn’t a world in which I get away with not saying it again. And he deserves to hear it. He deserves so much.
More than I have to give.
But I’ll try anyway.
“You were right. I was running from my feelings. They scared the shit out of me. When you told me you loved me, I felt it . . . here.” I touch all my fingers to my chest. “It was like the words were mine, but you were the only one who was brave enough to say them out loud.”
He nods, encouraging me to continue. There’s mischief in his eyes; he’s making me grovel a little, but I don’t mind because there’s something else written all over his face: relief. He left me that voicemail, put the ball in my court. We both know how he feels about me, and now it’s my turn.
“I tried so hard to run from those feelings, because I thought that being in love would get me hurt like my mom. And all I’ve ever wanted was to not be like her. And it turns out, I wasn’t different from her at all.
“Drinking is how she runs away from her feelings. It’s how she runs from herself because she’s scared to feel it all. And I was too. Iamstill scared to feel it all, but it turns out the best way tonotbe like my mom is to not run away from my feelings.”
I twist my hands together, just to give them something to do. Saying this in my head is one thing; saying it all out loud right to his face is a whole ’nother thing. The vulnerability it takes to look someone in the eye and confess that you were wrong is exactly as hard as I thought it would be. But Ian takes a half a step closer to me and it gives me the courage to go on.
“So in an effort to be the person I want to be . . . here they are. Here are all of my feelings: I am glad that I met you. Amazed that the god of theater himself brought us together.
“I was mad at you for coming in my house when I told you not to, and then mad at myself for being mad at you for that, and ultimately, ‘grateful’ is not a strong enough word for the way you stepped in and supported me. I am humbled by what you did for me, the way you took care of me while I was taking care of my mom.
“I am annoyed that it took me so fucking long to see what was right in front of me and grateful that you saw it and fought for it. I’m in awe of who you are as a person. How dedicated and loyal, how smart and funny, and how mature you are, especially for our age. I’m scared of what the future looks like without you in it, and I?—”
Ian’s hands cup my face and his lips are on mine before I can finish my sentence. His lips are soft but his kiss is insistent. It’sI missed you, I love you, I want you. And I say all of it back,kissing him like it’s the only thing in the world I want to be doing right now. Because it is.
Behind us, people clap. We break the kiss and behind me, half the cast ofMidsummeris standing and watching us. Some people are clearly pissed. Some are clearly swooning. But I give my attention back to Ian, because I’m not quite done.
“I don’t know how to do the whole relationship thing,” I say before he can say anything. I can tell he wants to. “But I want to. With you.”
“Are you sure?” he asks.
“No,” I say, and we both laugh nervously.
His hands find their way to my waist as a silence stretches between us. I rest my hands on his chest, solid like him.
“One more thing,” I say.
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For running. For . . . I don’t know, I feel like I accidentally gaslit you. You were sure that the feelings weren’t one-sided and they weren’t. And I think I might have made you feel like they were. And I never wanted to do that. Okay, you’re shaking your head, but I still feel like I owe you an apology.”
“I think that you were doing the best you could given . . . everything. And I don’t begrudge you.”
Relief rolls through me.
“That’s a big word. You been reading the dictionary?”
“Yeah, in all my spare time,” he says, sarcasm thick.
“You don’t have spare time? How are you gonna have a girlfriend without spare time?”
“Fortunately, my girlfriend and I share a hobby.” Ian gestures to the space around us. My stomach turns at the word “girlfriend.” I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it will take some getting used to.
People have started to trickle back into the theater, hanging in the wings, giving Ian and me the last few seconds of this break.
