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I was right about the voicemail. Once I started listening to it, I couldn’t stop.
Every night before I fall asleep, I listen to it. I wake up and listen to it. I listen to it if I get bored; when I go for a walk. I’ve listened so much I could recite it from memory.
Which I do . . . to Jessie and Mac at our first Roommate Night back from break. After Mac drove me to pick up my car from the shop, we picked up our favorite sushi from a local place. It was Mac’s night to plan, and he’s treated us to a feast.
“So it sounds like you listened to the voicemail a very normal number of times,” Jessie says with her eyebrows raised.
“Very normal.” I nod.
“Listen, I know a grand gesture when I hear one,” says Mac. “That man is grand-gesturing you.”
“Do you hate it?” Jessie asks.
I want to. I want to hate it so bad. I want to tell him, “Nice try, but I’m not falling for that.” Except I am definitely falling for it. It knocked something loose in me that’s been rattling around like a penny in a jar inside of me since.
“You know what’s really annoying?” I say, filling my plate with another round of sushi rolls and trying to fight a smile.
“You don’t hate it?” Jessie says, squealing and literally kicking her feet. She stuffs a roll in her mouth and does a little dance. I can’t tell if it’s from food happiness or her excitement over my feelings.
“It’s probably, like, the top three most romantic things that’s ever happened to me. And I’m pretty sure the other two were also things Ian did.”
“So what does this mean?” Mac asks, looking back and forth between me and Jessie. “Are you and Ian together now? Did I miss something?”
“No, no,” I say. “I haven’t talked to him since the night of the performance, but I plan to?—”
“Because she lov—she has feelings for him!” Jessie practically screams.
“Inside voices, Jessie,” I say.
“NO!” she says even louder. “JADE! I never thought I would see this day! You’re going to go grand-gesture him back, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?” Jessie launches herself from her seat and tackles me in a hug.
“What are you still doing here?” Mac asks. “Go gets your mans.”
“It’s Roommate Night! I’ll go find him in the theater tonight. He’s probably prepping forMidsummer. Plus, I have a meeting to go to in an hour.”
“A meeting?” Jessie tilts her head to the side, furrowing her brow as she reclaims her seat and loads her plate with another round of sushi.
“AA,” I say simply.
The day after the Muscles incident, I looked up AA groups near the school. After realizing that my instinct was to get drunk when I was sad or upset, I decided to go to an AA meeting. Notfor my mom, but for me. I meant it when I said I don’t want to end up like her. As soon as I recognized the pattern I was falling into, one that was too familiar for comfort, I decided to nip that in the bud real quick. I found a group that’s held right here on campus, but I wasn’t quite brave enough to go before the break. I talked to my grandmother and my mom about going to a meeting while I was home, and my grandmother went with me to my first meeting last week. It was weird and hard, and I have never been so sure I was doing the right thing.
My mom didn’t go with us, and it annoys me, because I know she needs this. But I also know that I need to live my life. Something I’m saying but not fully believing, which is why, in addition to AA meetings, I’ll also be joining a virtual Adult Children of Alcoholics group I found online and maybe even trying to find a therapist.
“Jade, that’s awesome,” Mac says.
“Let me know if you want me to go with you,” Jessie says.
My heart swells. The gratitude I have for the two of them presses against the backs of my eyes.
I don’t know why I was ever worried about losing them. No matter how far they go, this feeling—the one swimming in my chest and warming me—it can’t be taken. No distance can diminish the love I have for these two, nor the love they have for me.
“Thank you,” I say. “It’s really Ian I have to thank for all this.”
“Oh yeah?” Jessie raises an eyebrow, encouraging me to explain.
“If he hadn’t just walked in that day I went back to my mom’s and sort of . . . forced me to accept help . . . I don’t think I would have ever understood the weight I’ve been carrying alone and how much better it is to get support.”
“Thank god for the audacity of men,” Jessie says.
