AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“No,” she returns softly, “I wouldn’t have. It is banishment in name only. No one can survive in the desert sands of theKillikar.The knife is so that the deserter can take the coward’s death rather than face the unforgiving desert. But I suppose you didn’t know that.”
I am horrified. I didn’t know that. I thought, well, that the punishment in Orik isn’t as bad as the one in Adrik and that she would have been fine. Still alone in the wilderness, but fine.
Dura finds her tunic that I carelessly threw on the floor and puts it on. “I appreciate you telling me the truth,” she says, still unreadable. “But I think tomorrow we should go our separate ways.”
I feel panicky in a way that doesn’t really make sense. I should be glad to get away from her and back to my own life. If she releases me from my life debt, then my honor should be satisfied. Truth be told, it should have been satisfied when I saved her from the werewolf’s jaws. But I feel like this is wrong, like I am supposed to stay with her.
“You can’t just decide that!” I exclaim, standing up. Her eyes flick to my naked body and then away, like she can’t quite look at me.
“Yes, I can,” she replies, still in that even tone of voice. Usually that is my trick, to stay completely calm while the other person loses their temper. I can see now how maddening it is. But I can’t let her win.
I take a deep breath and then say in a modulated tone, “If you leave, I will just follow.”
She shakes her head. “If I want to, I will be able to easily outrun you and you would never find my trace. It would be useless to track me.”
“Why are you doing this? Why right now? I thought we settled this back in Kingsbury.”
“Because I do not want anAsh’kathat doesn’t want me!” she explodes. “One that makes plans to betray me while smiling!”
“That was yesterday!” I snap, stepping toward her, still naked. “Everything has changed. Can’t you see that? Everything!”
“Oh,nowyou believe you are myAsh’kaand want to be with me?” Dura asks sarcastically.
“Maybe,” I shoot back. I can tell my words surprise her, her eyes widening. I make my voice calm, reasonable, and continue, “I don’t know yet what we are. Enemies? Strangers? Fated mates? Lovers? I’m unsure, but getting surer. Can’t I stay with you until I am? Until I know for certain what we are?”
Dura stares at me, undecided. Then she says, “You don’t understand what it’s like. To have two intrinsic voices in your head pushing you toward another person. Both my elf and orc side want you. Not just tonight, not just as a lover. As a mate. Forever. Bitten and Claimed and mine. If you stay with me, my feelings will only deepen. Theyhavebeen deepening, even when I was sure that I hated you as well, even when it seemed like foolishness to bind myself to an enemy. If we were to grow close, if I were to lower my walls and let you in . . . if you still reject me later, after all that, after everything I have lost and suffered . . . I fear it will kill me.”
This is the most vulnerable she has ever been with me. More vulnerable than when we were both naked, and I was inside her. More vulnerable than when she admitted her earrings were from her mother. I do not know what to say. I can’t just lie and say that I want to be her mate. That would be telling her what she wants to hear again and she wouldn’t trust it and it wouldn’t be true besides.
“I am drawn to you,” I admit instead. “I have been since I woke in the cave. Just like you, I have felt myself being pulled toward you in a way that is not wise. More than I even wanted to be. Especially when we were at odds. But we aren’t now and have a chance to start afresh. Can that not be enough for now? Who’s to say that it will not grow into what you want it to be?”
“But what if it doesn’t?” she whispers.
I close the distance between us. I reach out a hand and tentatively cup her cheek. She hesitates for a moment, then leans into the touch. “What if it does?” I whisper back.
She looks up, and I take a chance and kiss her. Experimentally, just a gentle brush of lips. On my second pass, she kisses me back, just as searching as me. Like a training bout or dance, one movement answered by another. As if we are exploring each other, seeing what the other likes, what touches are alright. After about a minute, I bring the kissing to a close and pull back.
“Let’s go to bed, alright? We can talk in the morning. This conversation will be better after some rest.”
She looks at me intently, as if trying to see if there is another hidden meaning in my words. Then Dura finally nods and looks toward the bed.
“You should bathe first as well. We don’t want to dirty the linens.”
She has a point. I am still sweaty from our walk here and from our amorous activities, my belly also sticky with my spend. I grab the towel from the bed and hastily get into the water. It is lukewarm, but nowhere near as cold as the pond was, so it is still pleasant. I scrub swiftly, using the bar of soap on my skin and hair before exiting the tub and digging through my pack for the new clothes I got at the tailor’s. I pull on the new trousers and tunic, leaving the overcoat for later. Then I turn to Dura, who has watched me, an inscrutable look on her face.
“Do you still want to sleep on the side closest to the door?” I offer, trying to be conciliatory. This is an unfamiliar experience for me, dealing with an unhappy lover. Before, when I was with a woman, either we were happy or things ended. I have never tried to hold on to a lover with one foot out the door before.
Dura nods at my question and I walk around the bed to the far side before climbing in. After a long hesitation, she does as well, though she is far from me. How do I fix this? How do I bring back the feelings from before when we let all our walls fall down and dove into each other? That felt as natural as breathing, but this, the aftermath, is stilted and guarded; like one wrong move would cause a war to start between us.
As she lies down, stiff as a tree branch, I slowly slide closer to her. “May I hold you?” I ask, wanting nothing more than to have her in my arms. Which is new to me. I’ve never been one to cuddle after sex, but I find I want it now. Maybe some physical closeness will help heal this rift between us.
There’s another long hesitation before she finally says, “Alright.”
I reach out my hands and pull her close, with her head tucked just under my chin. It is like trying to cuddle a stone, her body is so tense. I can tell when she finally falls asleep because she softens, growing warm and pliable at last.
Tomorrow is another day,I think. We will figure out this thing between us as long as we stay together. With that thought, I fall asleep.
???
