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And maybe they’ll question me anyway, but it's New Year's Eve. For all they know, I'm going out with a group of friends and staying out all night.
When I walk into the suite he booked for us, I see that he thought of everything. Two champagne flutes sit on the table beside a bottle of sparkling cider. Pizza and mac and cheese are waiting for me on the table, and there's even little confetti party poppers and silly hats for us to put on as we bring in the new year. I chose a dress with fireworks on it, and it's the perfect complement to his hot pink button-down shirt withHappy New Yearwritten all over it.
He pulls me into his arms and holds me for a few seconds before he presses his lips to mine. “I missed you,” he says. He leans his forehead to mine.
“I missed you too.” Life feels a little empty without him around, and it feels so much fuller when we're together.
I think I realized it on Christmas when he told me he was thinking about how different it would've been if we’d spent the day together. By all accounts, his brothers are a lot of fun, and his mom's a sweetheart. I've heard mixed reviews about his dad, so I already know I'll be tiptoeing around him when we eventually meet, but he's told me stories about his sisters-in-law, and I can imagine growing closer with them as the two of us start our own family together. I’ve always wanted a sister, and I can’t wait for the day when I fit into his family and have three of them.
It sounds so magical, and I wish it felt more within reach than it does.
He tips the bottle of sparkling cider over the two flutes and hands me one. “To all the memories of this past year and all of the joys in the one ahead.”
My eyes fill with tears as I reminisce on the past year. The first six months of it, I didn't even know who this man was apart from watching him during football games, and then, like a whirlwind, June and the second half of the year were filled with him.
The second half of the year was filled with falling in love, getting my heart broken, and him mending it back together. And now, as I grow this baby, it's filled with thoughts of the future and how no matter what happens, our lives are about to change.
It's a scary thought, but it's also starting to sink in. It's starting to feel exciting and right. And it's as if he can read my thoughts as he asks, “How different will our lives be one year from now?”
“Some things will change, but I think some things might not.”
“What won't change?”
The more I think about it, the less of an answer I have for that question. His third year on his contract is up in a month and a half, so his future with the game is unknown. We’ll have a baby. My parents will know who the father is. I'll be part of the Nash family—not in name, obviously, since it's not like he's proposed marriage and we're not there yet even though we're having a baby together, but the child we share will have his last name and the child will be half me.
I guess I can't define that yet…but we’ll know a year from now.
Chapter 50: Asher Nash
The Secret Woman
I’m trying to be everything she needs, but I’m starting to wonder why she’s so dead set against telling her parents.
She says it’s to protect me, but sometimes it feels like it’s because she isn’t sure she wants to be with me.
I’m certain it’s just me projecting. I’m positive it’s because of my reputation and the repercussions of getting suspended for a year. But it’s still in the back of my mind.
Does she think I’m not good enough for her? For our baby?
Or is itmewho thinks that?
Maybe I need to hear her tell me the words back. Maybe I need the reassurance that she sees the same future I see.
But I’m not sure I’m getting that reassurance, and I think it’s because she’s scared I’m going to run again. I’m not sure what I can do to convince her that I’m not going anywhere. I’m new to this commitment thing, and I fucked it up once already. I won’t fuck it up again.
There’s way too much on the line to risk it.
We ring in the new year naked, and I hold her in my arms as we sleep until well after the sun rises.
I could get used to this.
Where I’ve always run from commitment in the past, when it’s just the two of us in the quiet of morning in a hotel room, I think I want to runtowardit. For the first time in my life, when I think about the future, it’s not just me.
It’s a frightening realization, but it also feels right.
Except we can’t fully explore what life would be like together if we have to keep seeing each other in secret.
I’d love to have her as my date at the next event on my schedule. I’d love to take her to listen to live music in the park or to see a show on the Strip or to go out to dinner together.
