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I see that in his uncertain smile. In his faltering footsteps my way. In those big hands shoving deep into his pockets.
I close the distance.
We’re in a city suburb, not under a willow, but he’s just as fragmented here as when green and gold light flickered across a face I’m not sure I’ll ever tire of drawing. Now his face flickers with something I finally have a name for.
I tug his hands from his pockets.
Feel them shake, and hold them.
Meet bruised eyes and ask him, “This was always short term for you, yeah? You and me.”
He nods.
“Because you won’t let yourself want anything long term.” That isn’t a question. Neither is this. “Due to this.” I squeeze his hands, and his face creases.
“It isn’t that I won’t let myself.” He looks anywhere but at me. “I can’t.”
My portfolio slips from my shoulder, and even though he isn’t looking at me, he saves it before it can fall, which is such a textbook reaction that I go with my own signature impulse.
“You can, because I love you.” My free hand finds his chest. “Breathe.”
He does. He also says, “You shouldn’t?—”
“Love someone who is having a crisis?” His head hangs, and I almost sigh this next. “Too late, mate.” That was soft. This must sound more pointed. He flinches when I ask, “Or did you mean I shouldn’t fall for someone who got hooked on painkillers and who sorted his shit out ten years before I ever met them?”
His head rises, a whole world of pain in his eyes. There’s hope too, so I keep going.
“You only heard me recap my journey. That was my start, Hayden. You missed what came after. There’s more on that roll of paper, like how Mum scored a place in rehab. How the first two times were a bust, which broke my fucking heart. The third time was the charm. She worked her socks off for me and Mia. I’ll never forget anything that went before. I can’t. But Icanforgive a human who is trying. She’s choosing a different path now. On a better track than her first one. Fucking miracle if you ask me. I can’t predict her future, but I can say I never saw strength like it. Not until…”
His swallow is a dry click. “Until?”
“I met you. Met you and fell head over fucking heels for you.” My hand is still on his chest, which rises only to deflate after I repeat a question I’ve asked him once already. “You a user, Hayden?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
This feels like the hardest question to ask yet. The most risky. I’ve never been good at resisting impulses, so I go all in. “And you fell for me too?”
He nods slowly at first and then faster. “So fucking hard, Rae. I just don’t know?—”
“Where this is going?”
He nods, which is fair.I don’t know either, but I can make this promise. “I haven’t met a single soul yet who does, but I do know that tough journeys don’t scare me.”
He blows out a shaky breath, and I love how he goes all in as well—how he throws himself into being honest now he isn’t alone with this. “I’m scared shitless of where mine might be headed.”
It’s the easiest thing in the world to kiss him then, even if I have to break off sooner than I want when his sisters interrupt us.
Interrupt us?
They fucking detonate with delight on the doorstep, but that’s okay. It’s their birthday; they’re allowed to be excited. Their brother is home. It’s all they wanted, and they’re happy.
So is Hayden, and getting to see that?
It makes waiting to kiss him again so easy.
22
RAE
