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He shrugs. “I probably won’t while there’s still work to do here.” His biceps are a bulging distraction from arguing he should make time for the people who miss him, especially after a conversation that left him creased and crumpled. The kiss he brushes my forehead with is another distraction before he rolls out of a bed I wish we could both stay in for longer, and he says, “Just do one thing for me, yeah?”
Anything.
“Don’t miss your shot, Rae.”
Thelike I didis silent. I guess we both hear it, and this is hoarser.
“Take it and don’t let anything or anybody stop you. Give your last talk to the kids and then go make that pitch. Get that foundation to partner with you, then lock yourself away, turn off your phone, and draw your fucking heart out.”
Neither of us mention what will come after.
I’ll cross the Channel while he’ll be here.
I know that.
We both do.
We’ve done this before—gone our separate ways and got on with our lives until I washed up back here. Today’s bright and shiny publishing news has obscured what now comes into stark focus.
After today, I won’t have a reason to come back. The next time we say goodbye will be for good.
I’m not ready.
Hayden comes back to bed, his arms tight around me, and he’s a man of few words. I know that like I always knew this was a short-term reprieve from real life.
He doesn’t need to speak to tell me what I hear loud and clearly.
For someone who told me he wasn’t a long-term proposition, he isn’t ready either.
19
HAYDEN
I don’t even make it to the end of the school day before hunting for Rae.
Not because I want to distract him. It sounds as though I’ve done enough of that already. But distraction is what has stuck in my mind and is my motivator for stopping first at my ex-housemate’s classroom.
Rowan joins me at the fence there. “Hey. You okay?” His forehead furrows, and those deep lines look out of place on his sweet face, which is a sign of my own distraction—it takes me way too long to realise he is mimicking my own expression.
I lighten up in a hurry. “Yeah. Yes, I’m okay.”
“Well,” Rowan says primly. “I know Luke wants to recruit a new drama teacher, but I’m not sure acting is your forte.” He leans over the fence and whispers, “Try harder, Hayden.”
I straighten up and do that. “I am okay.”
That’s a lie. The fact is, I can’t stop thinking about how Rae described himself to me.
As a disaster.
It clings like those burrs once did.
“Actually, no. I actually wanted to ask you a quick question about...” I cast an eye over the children scattered in this outdoor classroom, exchanging smiles and waves with several while searching for the one who keeps coming to mind since Rae left the stables to go meet his students.
Asa.
He isn’t with Maisie, who is busy in the sandpit. He isn’t with Hadi either, who walks a balance beam with barely a wobble.
The child who reminds me so much of Rae is engrossed in something. So much so that he hasn’t noticed my arrival.
