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I can’t look anything like a leader right now. Like someone exceptional who Luke would keep on here for longer. Not while I’m as weak and lost as a lamb. As beaten to the ball as a player who just got slide-tackled out of nowhere.
And by what?
By remembering a single phrase after a decade?
Rae sums that up for me. “It’s the little things that sneak up and kick you in the nuts, right, when someone was that important to you?” He casts a glance at the sixth-form students waiting for him to start another session of recording their journeys. He shares part of his with me. “I get kicked in the nuts plenty. That happens when people are important. Your dad is still that for you. Pretty sure everything you do here is your way of showing that to everybody. He’s why you’re the way you are.” This is quieter. “Why you’re so strong.”
He sounds so certain while I’m only sure of one thing.
Dad would have liked Rae.
I wish he could have met him. There’s no chance of that now, but Raecouldmeet Kirsty and the girls, only I like the way he sees me.
He thinks I’m strong.
Take him home?
That would mean showing him where I was my weakest.
17
HAYDEN
Rae jogs over to the sixth-form kids waiting for him. He takes his roll of paper from one and then heads off with them towards the woods, only he walks the last few steps backwards, as if keeping me in sight is important.
Typing a quick text to Kirsty then is easy. I send it before I can change my mind.
Hayden:Might actually make it back for their birthday during the half-term break.
She replies just as swiftly, all exclamation marks and heart-eye emojis. So fucking many of them. My screen fills with her excitement.
Kirsty:Can’t wait to tell the girls!!!
I type quickly one more time.
Hayden:Don’t say anything just yet. I need to double-check my schedule.
I already know that Marc and Stefan would chase me out of Cornwall if I asked them—they’re all about making time for family, which their fast reply proves while also confirming that they’re a massive pair of dickheads.
Marc:So that’s a yes to a November wedding, right?
Stefan:Mum wants to know how many tiers you want on your cake.
He’s a wanker. They both are. So are the other farmers in our group chat who send rude emojis, but who also confirm that Icouldmake it happen. I tell them I’ll let them know for certain as soon as I can, then follow that with another message to Kirsty.
Hayden:If I can make it happen, would it be okay to bring a plus-one?
My screen fills again with more emojis that I can’t help smiling down at, which is how Luke Lawson finds me.
“Good news?” he asks.
“Uh, yeah. Yes, I hope so.” I almost slide my phone away, and Luke must see my hesitation.
“Go ahead if you need to reply.” He tilts his head at the football left on the grass. “We’re so close to the half-term break now that I had a sudden urge to play instead of working.” He takes a shot, which goes wide of the goal to a chorus ofoohsfrom the little ones in Rowan’s outdoor classroom.
“Try again, Mr. Lawson,” Asa shouts through a gap in the fence. He repeats what I’ve told him while trying out new ways to make his mark in my clearing. “Practice makes progress.”
Luke does take a second shot, although I’m pretty sure he misses it on purpose. A final bell rings, signalling it is time for lessons to start, and I quickly fish my phone from my pocket to send one last message. Not to Kirsty. I type this one to Rae, my thumbs stuttering all over the screen before I get my shit together.
