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My lips parted. “And tell him that—”
“Let’s go, Calli.” Meliora tugged me away. “Mama’s waiting.”
“I know,” Bradach said, his smile following me out the door. “I’ll tell him.”
I STROKED SAVIA’S HAIRas she cooed and babbled at our sleeping mother, smiling even as sadness choked me.
We’d been keeping them together, only taking Savia away to change, feed, or calm her. Our youngest sister wouldn’t get nearly as many years with our mother as she deserved. The least we could do was let them spend this time together... before the end.
“Faywen?”
I started, blinking at Mama’s open, watching eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
Sighing, I set down her cooling bowl of broth and stretched out next to them. “Do you have to ask?”
Mama drew Savia closer, tucking her under her chin. “We knew this was coming, Calli.”
“Yes, but...” Tears beat at the back of my eyes. “You should’ve had more time. If you did then I could’ve—” I bit hard on my lip.
“Could’ve what, darling?”
“Could’ve saved you,” I burst out. “With more time, I could’ve saved you! It’s not right, Mama. It’s not fair.”
“Oh, Calli.” Of all things, she smiled at me. “My precious girl, so full of fire.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t treat me like a silly little child lost in her daydreams. I could’ve saved you, Mama. I had a plan! But now I’m here and you’re here, and I’m not that fiery, precious girl. I’m that useless, powerless girl again whose watching life step on the people I love, and not doing anything about it.”
“Because it’s not your job to do anything about it!”
Savia and I jerked, gaping at her. Mama never yelled at us. She never yelled atme.
“Mama?”
“Oh, Calli,” she sighed, squeezing her eyes shut, looking like even that much sapped her starving body of energy. “I don’t blame you, faywen. I put the weight of this family on your shoulders before you could walk. All those times I was called to the battlefield, you were left alone to care for Meli, and then again to care for Jaclan and Gisela.
“And then when I was finally allowed to stay home with my children, the wasting sickness took hold. Your whole life, I’ve either been absent, or sick and dying. It all fell down to you to be to the little ones what I was supposed to be—their mother.”
I frowned. “But, none of that was your fault.”
“It wasn’t yours either. You should’ve had a real childhood, faywen. You should’ve been a big sister, not a borrowed mother.”
My frown deepened. “Why are you saying these things? I did what I had to do because you’re my family, they’re my siblings, and I love you all. I’d do everything all over again even ifcouldasandshouldascould change a thing in this life. And why are you torturing yourself with these thoughts now? There’s no sense worrying about what we can’t change.”
She smiled with her eyes closed. “Exactly.”
“But...” The rest of my sentence died on my lips, chased away by my own words. “Very clever, Olene,” I deadpanned. “Well done.”
She laughed and I was sucked in, giggling along with her. “Seems your old mama still has some wisdom to impart.”
“You’re not old,” I protested. “You’re a young, beautiful woman in your prime. You still can’t walk in a straight line for the men throwing themselves at your feet.”
Mama’s laugh was thin and raspy like rubbing paper. “I knew there was a reason you were my favorite.”
I rolled my eyes, though I couldn’t help chuckling. It’d been so long since we just sat around, laughing and joking. I was always focused on keeping everything together, while Mama struggled just to get out of bed in the morning.
“Jokes aside,” Mama said, eyes still closed. “I need to tell you that I’m sorry, Calli. Your father and I never wanted any of this for you. You don’t know the shame it brings me to know that the first time in your life you’ve felt true joy, power, freedom, and love... was when you were far away from me.”
