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My pulse spiked with excitement. I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted my next breath. I wanted to hear his voice and, oh God, hislaugh. But for some reason, I wrote back,
No. I’m okay. But thanks for the offer. You’re too nice.
Why, oh, why had I told him that?
I fisted my hands up by my head and clenched my teeth, calling myself every stupid name in the book.
But honestly, he probably only made the offer to be nice. He didn’t really want to talk about pretty muchnothingwith me until the wee hours of the morning. And I didn’t want to put him through that kind of headache.
Sure thing,
he told me.
But I’m here all night if you change your mind.
Thank you.
And with that, he left me alone.
More depressed than I’d been before I’d started texting him, I tossed my phone down and dragged myself from the couch to head toward the kitchen for that mac and cheese.
I was halfway through my show when Foster texted again, sending me a picture of an eye shadow palette to tell me he’d found it in the back of a drawer in the bathroom. When he asked if I wanted it mailed to me, I told him to just throw it away. I’d never worn those shades anyway.
Just throw it awayseemed like my life motto at the moment. Kind of felt like that was what I was doing with myself now that I’d gotten a second chance to live. I was just throwing everything away: my future, my education, my happiness.
I have a life wish.
Kinsey’s words echoed through me, and depression claimed me. I was letting her down. And I didn’t know how to stop. I swear, I didn’t know how to doanythinganymore.
Shutting off the television, I left the front room so I could curl up on my childhood bed, prepared to cry myself to sleep as per my usual.
Except tonight, the tears wouldn’t come.
Restless and depressed, and just desperate for something, I called Foster.
He picked up on the second ring with a cheerful, “Hey! What’s up?” And his voice…
I don’t know what it was about his voice, but it sounded like home.
Closing my eyes against the misery that filled my chest, I drew in a breath before answering, “You said you fell in lovewith me.”
It sounded rather sharp and accusative, so he paused before carefully coming back with, “Uh…yes. I did.” He drew out the words, obviously lost about what I was really trying to ask him.
“And then you never said anything about it again,” I finally went on. “So… Did you change your mind?”
“What?No! God, no. I still feel the same. I just—Damn, Raina. You didn’t act very happy to hear it the first time; I was trying not to bother you with it. But… If youwantto talk about it…”
“No. I—” Realizing I had no idea what I wanted, I squeezed my eyes shut and sobbed out a sound of defeat. “I don’t know what I want,” I admitted, sniffing miserably. “I’m just so freaking confused. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life. What to do about you. And I just—I needsomethingto make sense.”
“Okay.” Foster blew out a long breath before softly telling me, “Yeah. I get that. And I think that was why I dropped the subject and let it lie. I know you have a lot on your plate and a lot to work through. But none of that changes how I feel. I love you, Raina. That’s indefinite.”
God. It was so jarring to hear him say it that simply and easily. It didn’t seem as if it could be real.
“And you don’texpectanything?” I asked, still confused. “I just—” Shaking my head, I pressed a hand to my temple. “I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do with this?”
“You don’t have to do anything with it,” he assured gently. “I know I’m a stranger to you. I know you can’t possibly feel what I do. I know—okay, so it reminds me of my football fans,” he said, abruptly switching his train of thought to try and explain. “When a complete stranger calls out, telling me they love me and sayinggood game, I smile and appreciate their adoration. I don’t devote the rest of my life to that person. I don’t owe them anything, just like you don’t owe me anything. All you have to do is smile, knowing that someone out there thinks you’re pretty amazing. Okay? No pressure.”
I frowned, not sure if I liked that answer. “But what about you?”
