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“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “It’s hard to explain. Life just felt really … loud. And when I tried Oxy, it felt like the world quieted for the first time in my life.”
Cravings, deep inside, begin to gnaw at my brain, but what I once thought was a craving for heroin I now recognize as a craving for peace. I found it for a few minutes while high.
When I was high, things slipped from my mind. I forgot things I’d done. People I’d hurt. I forgotwho I was.
Now I’ll never forget.
“The truth is, it was never about the drugs. It was about hiding from myself.”
Silence overtakes us for several seconds.
“Why does it sound like you’re telling me a secret?” Alik asks, his voice soft.
I pick at my jeans. “Because I am.”
More silence.
After what must be minutes, Alik lifts his water and throws it back before standing. “It’s late, and no one is coming for you tonight. In the morning, if you still feel unsafe, you should pack a bag and figure something out… But for now, try to get some sleep.”
I nod and slowly stand. “Right.” I smile to try to play it off, but fear returns at the idea of leaving this room. Of closing my eyes. “Thank you for talking to me.”
“Of course.”
He walks me to his door, but before I step through, I turn to him with my chest tightening. I prepare myself to speak so I don’t sound so serious, but I don’t know how I can hide my nervousness from my tone.
“Listen, if I show up here in the middle of the night and I’m not acting myself, don’t open the door.”
He raises a brow. “What?”
I open my mouth but pause as my face tingles. Sweat starts to break out on the back of my neck. “I—I sleepwalk sometimes. It’s super weird. Just… If I’m acting strange, don’t answer.”
He tilts his head while his lips twitch. “You’re always acting strange. How will I be able to tell?”
“You’ll be able to tell,” I say, hearing the seriousness in my tone. He must hear it too because his eyes constrict slightly, and he nods.
“Okay. I’ll be sure to lock my door, then.”
I open my mouth but then just nod and duck beneath his arm into the hall.
“Goodnight, Olive,” he says to my back, making me look at him over my shoulder.
He gives me a sad smile that I don’t quite understand and shuts his door when my mouth opens to reply.
I sigh and stare at his door. “Goodnight, Alik.”
9
ALIK
By the time I woke, Olive was gone.
When I was walking out, I passed her father in the hallway, his face red against his gray suit. He banged on her door, then after only a few seconds, took out a key and let himself in.
I waited by the stairwell, watching as he returned less than a minute later looking even angrier than he did when he showed up.
That was hours ago.
As I watch her now at the NA meeting, dressed in a loose black sweater with her hands tucked beneath her, I wonder if Daddy found her before I did. She stares at a man crying at the podium about his destroyed marriage with what looks like genuine empathy. I follow her gaze to the man and try to see what she sees, but there’s nothing there but a pathetic pile of waste.
