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Hervoice was rising, sharpening, her eyes searchingKillik’sface.Hisface that just looked tired again, resigned, all the spark faded from his eyes.Andwhat had he toldSimonabout this, just yesterday?Ishall not refute your judgement upon this.ButIshould be grateful if you could grant me the night to settle some matters first…
“How— how willSimonpunish you, then?”Louisademanded, clasping her hand tighter atKillik’sarm. “Willhe — separate you fromUlfarr?Willhe still blameUlfarr?Willhe separate either of you fromSune?Willhehurtyou,Killik?”
Hervoice had gone even louder, grating between them, and in return something shifted inKillik’seyes, convulsed in his throat. “Icannot seeSimonwounding me for this,” he replied, hoarse. “Andhe would not partSunefrom us now, either.Heis not abrute, you ken.Heyet seeks to do his best for his kin.”
Louisacouldn’t bite back her hard, disbelieving snort — thisSimonhad apparently ignoredUlfarr’scontributions and concerns, broken apart his pack, and then he’d almost beaten him to death, and let him suffer for months, and tried to part him from hisson.AndKillikdidn’t think that same orc was capable of hurtingUlfarr?Ofhurtingthem?
Killikhad surely followed that thought, and his mouth gave a brief, rueful twitch. “IkenSimonmight rather bar us from the camp, mayhap,” he said. “Andbar us fromyou, also.”
Oh.Oh.Hesaid it so lightly, so easily, as though it wouldn’t bother him in the slightest.Andof course he wouldn’t care, it didn’t mean anything — but it still plunged inLouisa’sbelly, prickled sudden and dangerous behind her eyes.Andshe didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to know, but…
“Andyou would — obey?” she asked, or maybe challenged. “Youwouldn’t fightSimon’sso-calledjusticeon that, either?”
Thecorners ofKillik’smouth tightened, but he glanced away again, toward the wall beyond her. “Ifit was only me, mayhapIwould,” he replied, very quiet. “ButIcannot riskWolforSunein this.YoukenIcannot.”
Right.Thatwas that, then, that was his answer.No, yet again.AndLouisacouldn’t even fault him for it, especially with that admission, that confession, hovering too strong between them.Ifit was only me, mayhapIwould.
Butit still curdled and churned in her belly, stung hotter behind her eyes.Soshe didn’t have those four nights, after all.Shedidn’t haveKillik.Shedidn’t haveUlfarr.Itdidn’t even matter what she thought about all this, what she’d decided…
Andgods curse it, maybe shehaddecided, without even meaning to.Becausemaybe — she wanted to face this.Shewanted to believe in forgiveness, and redemption, and amends.Butnone of it mattered now, it was already over, already too late, and she was — she was —
Atrickle of hot liquid squeezed fromLouisa’seye, streaking down ontoUlfarr’sbig shoulder beneath her.Andthough she winced, dashed it away, another escaped after it, and another.AndKillikcould see this, and mock this, oh gods she needed to leave, she wasn’t even supposed to be here, and…
“Come, woman,” cut inKillik’svoice, and whenLouisablinked up, he was shifting up off the bed, and holding out his hand. “Thereis — one you ought to meet,Iken.”
Louisablinked again, shot an uncertain look down atUlfarrbeneath her — but he still appeared to be sound asleep, so she nodded, and reached her shaky hand toKillik’s.Lettinghim guide her up and out of the bed, and once she was on her feet, he silently held out her new dress, too.Andit was only then thatLouisarealized she was only wearing that damned loincloth, and givingKillika full-on view of everything else.
Andcurse him, he was taking a good eyeful, leisurely glancing up and down, and even giving a light little slap against the loincloth’s leather band over her hip. “Thisnew garb was good, you ken,” he said, a little too casually. “Wishyou had scentedWolf, when he first saw it.Thestrength of his hunger near knocked me over, ach?”
Itwas a kind thing for him to say — too kind, still too much like a goodbye.AndthoughLouisaattempted a smile back, it felt wan and thin, and she couldn’t seem to hold it as she tied the dress over the loincloth with her fumbling hands.Andnext were the boots, those tall lovely expensive leather boots, and she hesitated as she pulled them on, and grimaced towardKillik’swatching face.
“Ididn’t even — pay for these,” she said. “Orany of this.Rosasaid you wouldn’t mind, but —”
Killikbetrayed a brief sneer atRosa’sname, but then he shrugged, and gave a dismissive wave of his dagger. “No, keep them,” he replied. “Yourold boots should have one day killed you, and nowIshall not be at fault for this.”
Well.Louisa’ssmile felt more genuine this time, though it faltered again whenKilliknext handed over her knife, and the chain.Thechain that — wait, didn’t even seem broken, did it?
“Itwas only the latch that failed,”Killiksupplied, without her even asking. “Nexttime, we ought to —”
Buthe broke off there, looking away, because there wouldn’t be a next time, would there?Heknew it, andLouisaknew it, and she couldn’t meet his eyes as she fastened on the belt, and then her knife.Andthen letKillikdraw her from the room, leavingUlfarrstill alone and asleep in the bed behind them.
Itfelt wrong, lonely and miserable and wretched, andLouisakept her head down asKillikled her through the dim, narrow corridors.Aroundthis corner, and that, deeper and deeper into theSkaiwing, until he drew her into a room.
Itwasn’t oneLouisahad seen duringRosa’stour, and it was large and round, and scented of sweet incense.Andin the middle of the room, surrounded by fur-covered benches, there stood a cluster of life-sized, beautifully carved grey stone orcs.Allof them fully bared, flaunting their strong, impressively endowed bodies — butLouisa’seyes were drawn to the largest figure of all, standing tall and proud in the midst of the others.Hewas big and broad, with messy cropped hair, and he seemed to look straight toward her,intoher, with his intent, black-painted eyes.
“Thisis our fatherSkai-kesh, and his faithful pack,” cameKillik’slow voice beside her. “Ifever you seek guidance, or comfort, or strength, he will always freely offer this.Andno matter the sin” —Louisacould feelKillikstudying her, almost as strong as thisSkai-kesh — “he shall always welcome our repentance.Heshall always offer his strength and forgiveness, and guide us to amends, and peace.”
Forgiveness.Amends.Peace.Thewords swaying too deep, too powerful, andLouisacouldn’t even look atKillikas she nodded, and lurched toward the nearest bench.Sinkingdown onto it, holding her gaze toSkai-kesh’s watching, piercing eyes.
Andthen, somehow, she prayed.Prayedto a god she didn’t know, to an ancestor that wasn’t hers.Andit didn’t even make sense, she’d never been a pious person, but asKilliksank down to sit beside her, his elbow lightly brushing hers, it still felt like — a relief.Arelief to silently pour out all this darkness and doubt, all her own guilt and sins, the things she’d never told another living soul.Andto know that maybe, maybe even just here, in this room, beneath thisSkai-kesh and his too-knowing eyes, there was strength.Forgiveness.Aguide to amends.Away to peace.
AndwhenLouisaopened her eyes again, what felt like a long time later, it did feel like peace.Likecertainty.Likea direction given, a decision made, deep and certain in her bones.
She’dfaced this trial here, and she’d survived.Shewas alive.Shewas whole.AndKillikandUlfarrhad helped her, had granted her so much kindness — and now, she was going to grant the same to them.Shewas going to stand tall with them, and their pack, and their camp.Andwith their son, who’d looked at her last night, and begged for her help.
Fixthis,Sunehad said.Fixthis.
AndLouisawas damned well going to try.Shewas going to fix this mess.
