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Killiktwitched, andUlfarr’shead tilted, his brow furrowing — and somehowLouisafound more air, more truth. “I’m— past it,” she said thickly. “I’vemoved on.I’vefound — other priorities.Otherpeople to care for.”
Butyes, yes, that felt right, that felt true — soLouisagulped in more air, more strength from the earth. “Andeven ifIcould be healed somehow,” she went on, “Ihave no interest in being pregnant again.Idon’t want to go through more miscarriages, let alone childbirth and nursing and sleepless nights.I’vefought my way out of my past,I’vefinally made my own life, andI—Iwant to live out the rest of it on my own terms.”
Itwas a strange, shaky relief to finally face it, to speak it, to see it for the truth it was — but it was truth.Itwas.AndperhapsLouisahadn’t even known it, or faced it, until this moment.
“Andfurthermore,” she said, on another deep, bracing inhale, as she turned to fully faceUlfarr. “I’mso very sorry, sweetheart, becauseIdo love you so much, andIdesperately want you to be happy and well, too.But” — more air, more courage, please — “Idon’t want to be married again, either.Notto you, and not — to anyone.Ever.”
Ulfarrdidn’t move or speak, beyond a convulsive swallow in his throat, andLouisahad to force down the air now, drag up the strength. “AfterLordScall,” she said, laboured now, “Iswore —IsworeIwould never give a man that kind of power over me again.Andit’s not thatIdon’t trust you, sweetheart, or even thatIdon’t want to be bound to you — and of courseIwant to make sure my sisters and the camp are taken care of.AndIappreciate you wanting to protect me againstRikard, too, but…”
Sheflailed her shaky hand at the forest around them, at the camp, her house, herself. “ButifImarry you,” she gasped, “I’dstill be handing you the ultimate power over my property, my freedom, mylife.AndIjust” — she squared her shoulders — “I’mjust not willing to do that again.I’msorry.”
Itseemed to hang there, ringing bare and unfinished between them, butLouisaneeded to finish this, needed to face it, to speak truth. “Andalso,” she made herself continue, “Ihave no desire whatsoever to come between you two, or to break up your family.You’reso damnedluckyto have a son, and such a lovely one at that.AndIwill not” — her voice deepened, more certain now — “Iwill not be part of any ridiculous scheme that involves partingSunefrom one of his fathers — orSkai-kesh forbid, trying toreplacethem!Hedeserves better from us, and from you.Fromboth of you!”
She’dbelatedly remembered her knife, still strapped at her side like always, and she gripped it tight, drew up more breath, more truth. “Andas part of that,” she added, even harder, “you two need to sort out your relationship, too.Youneed to actually have the difficult conversations you’ve clearly been putting off foryears.Youneed to be honest with each other about how you feel, and what you need.Andif you can’t work it out” — she yanked out her knife, and jabbed it between them — “then you need to separate like rational adults, and find a way to still be competent co-parents.Withoutany of this childish scheming and sneaking about, or this martyring yourself for someone else’s hypothetical happiness!Or, this foolish pretending as though you’re not desperately obsessed with each other, after twenty damned years of it!”
KillikandUlfarrexchanged a brief, furtive look, and then both glanced away again.Buta trace of colour had returned to both their faces, and their bodies had eased a little closer together, too.Andit was enough to settleLouisa’sstiff shoulders, her exhale coming out heavy and relieved.
Theydid still care.Theycould still face this, and fix this.Theycould putSunefirst, and work it out, and keep their family.Andmaybe — she swallowed — maybe they could even find a way to be happy together, after all.Theycould find… peace.
“I’m— very sorry to disappoint you,” she said, tight in her throat. “Butperhaps — perhaps once you work it out, you can go find another woman, together.Anotherway to possibly have another son.Andof courseI’llstill keep allowing the camp, and supporting it, for as long asIcan.”
Therewas a beat of silence, a spasm ofKillik’shand on his dagger. “Youdo not,” he said, very low, “think this isover, woman.”
ButLouisatook another shaky breath, let it out. “Actually, yes,Ido,” she replied. “Ionly signed up for ten nights of this, and whileI’vehad a lovely time” — she attempted a smile towardUlfarr— “our ten nights were over long ago.Iwish you both all the best, andI—Ithank you both for all your kindness toward me.Ittruly did help me, andI’mso grateful.”
BothKillikandUlfarrblinked at her, andUlfarrmade to step forward, to clasp her hand — butLouisabacked away, too quickly, before she could lose it, before she broke down weeping…
“Andnow,Icould really use a walk,” she said, as lightly as she could. “Goodluck, and goodbye.”
56
Louisawalked without looking, without purpose.Justletting her feet follow her old familiar path through her lands, up and down hills, over logs and rocks and roots.
She’ddone the right thing.She’ddone what was best forSune.She’ddone what was best forKillikandUlfarr.She’ddone what was best — she drew in a shaky breath — for herself.
Becauseyes, she could admit, she still lovedUlfarr.Shestill even lovedKillik, even if that snake didn’t deserve it, even if he didn’t care about her.Evenif it had all been a lie, all this time.
And— another breath, an angry swipe of her hand at her prickling eyes — she still lovedSune, too.Ithad been such a privilege getting to know him, spending all that time with him.Helpinghim build, teaching him to ride, sparring with him, learningflytingbeside him.Hewas such a good, clever, hardworking boy, andKillikandUlfarrreally were so lucky to have him, and she would miss him so damned much.
Butit still settledLouisa’scertainty deeper, tight in her set jaw, her clenched fists.She’ddone the right thing.Shewouldn’t have been able to live with herself, knowing she’d broken up their family.Shecouldn’t have borne the prospect of beingKillik’s—replacement, inUlfarrandSune’slives.Killik’sultimate sacrifice, on the altar ofUlfarr’shappiness.
Andworst of all, she couldn’t have borne the truth aboutUlfarrwanting that son.Evenif she’d wanted it too, she still couldn’t have borne that weight, that constant pressure to produce an outcome that was fully beyond her control.Itwould have felt likeLordScallall over again, like a failure forever hovering over her, demeaning her, grinding her down into hopeless, helpless misery.
No.Shewouldn’t.She’dborne it once, and never again.LordScallwas dead.Dead.
Butthen —Louisajolted.Frozein the middle of the path.Becausethere, standing before her in the late afternoon sun, was —
LordScall.
Big, frowning, hulking.Withhis hunched shoulders, his beady little eyes, his wild dark hair.Evenhis favourite gem-encrusted longsword, dangling at his side…
Theforest flickered and whirled, slid sharp and sideways, as a shrill distant howl echoed throughLouisa’sskull.LordScallwas… here.LordScallwas…alive?!
“Thereyou are,” he snarled, deep and menacing. “Finallyfree of your orcs, are you?”
Louisastumbled, staggered backwards, rubbed her trembling hand at her frantically blinking eyes.No.No.LordScallwas dead.Dead…
“Theyhaven’t let you walk alone inweeks,” his deep voice continued, his dark eyes glittering with strange, gleeful relish. “Eversince they took you off to that cursed camp!”
