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Iris looks from Thomas to me and sighs hard. “If the two of you are going to fight, you’ll clean up your own blood,” she tells us. And with that, she slips past Thomas out of the kitchen.
I step forward, ready to- god, I don’t know. Throw a package of deli meat at my brother’s head? Take a swing at him?! Why hasn’t he said anything?! I open my mouth to demand he tell me where Derrick is, but he speaks first.
“I’m sorry,” he says. I wait with frozen blood for him to elaborate, but when he does, none of his words are the ones I expect. “I’ve never been the kind of big brother you could come to with your problems, have I?”
Wait… what?
Is he… seriously apologizing for being a shitty sibling?
Of all the outcomes I imagined coming from a talk with Derrick, this was not one of them.
I shift my weight from foot to foot, unsure how to respond. Yes? Does it really matter now?
“It’s not like it was completely your fault,” I manage to say instead.
Thomas just shakes his head at that, which I guess I expected. My brother doesn’t usually put the blame on others when he can accept it himself. He’ll be the first to point out every one of our dad’s flaws, but just try to tell him it has an effect on his own behavior, and suddenly he acts like he has no ears.
Still. It wasn’t little Tommy’s idea to lock himself in his room where he couldn’t play with anyone, let alone me. The four years separating our ages shouldn’t feel like such a gulf, but it does by our father’s design. It’s stupid to hold that against my brother.
It’s even more stupid for him to hold it against himself.
“What’s this about, Tommy?” I ask. I want to know where Derrick is, but there’s a look in my brother’s eyes that I don’t often see. Uncertainty. Guilt.
“It might be wrong to think this way, since I’m not the one who’s pregnant,” my brother says, confoundingly, “but I wish I’d been the one to tell you that Clara and I are expecting a baby. If I’d done that… If I’d built that bridge between us, maybe all of this could’ve been avoided.”
I can’t help it. I snort at that. “You mean if I learned you guys hadn’t used protection, I would’ve been more careful when I got kidnapped?” I ask. Then I realize what I’ve just said and balk. “Wait, how did you-”
“Derrick told me.” Thomas’s eyes are suddenly stormy, and he points that formidable glare at the tile floor. “Of all the people on this planet, I did not want to hear that news from him.”
I’m suddenly defensive. “Then don’t force me to sit out of the talk next time,” I snap. “Youcouldhave heard it from me, but instead you had to prove you’re king of the mountain-”
“I’m not the one who decided to procreate with an enemy of our family-”
“Oh!Really?! Because I happen to recall you thought Clara was a spy for her uncle when you firstimprisoned her-”
“Fine.” Thomas raises both hands, but whether he’s asking for mercy or ordering silence is unclear. “Fine. I don’t want to fight.” I scoff, and he levels his glare at me. “I don’t want to fight, Raleigh,” he repeats. “What I’ve beentryingto say is that I wish you had come to me when you first knew. Hell, I wish you hadn’t begged Iris to keep it a secret that you were kidnappedmonthsago. And that I believe it’s my fault you didn’t, and I’m sorry.”
My hands are trembling. “You’re… sorry,” I say, past the growing lump in my throat.
“If I had taken steps to share the things that are important to me, maybe you would’ve felt like you could do the same. We’vemissed… a lot of each other’s lives. I don’t want to miss out on the one you’re making for yourself. And I don’t want you to feel shut out of my life with Clara.”
This feels like a fever dream. My big brother? Trying to connect with me emotionally? What magic spells did Clara cast on him in Europe?
“I… I didn’t plan for it to happen like this,” I manage to say. I rub at my arm, my shoulders hunched. My eyes are pricking, and for all the crying I’ve done since I found out I was pregnant, my brother is the very last one I want it to happen in front of. “It’s not like I went behind your back with Derrick on purpose. It… it really was an accident.”
“I never said I doubted that,” Thomas says.
“I just wanted-” I suck in a breath to steady my voice, but it doesn’t really work. “I wanted to help. I wanted to get rid of Silver, and ruin Derrick, and fix all the mistakes I made. So you wouldn’t have to be- so disappointed-”
I clamp my mouth shut, but if I blink now, tears will fall. Thomas runs a hand through his hair, then crosses the kitchen and plants a rough kiss on my forehead. It startles a laugh out of my mouth, and then I’m sobbing into his shirt as he holds me tight. He rests his cheek on the top of my head, and even if the way he pats my back might be more awkward than comforting, it still warms my heart.
I’ve never tried to hug my brother, and he’s never hugged me. Neither of us are physically doting like that, with or without growing up completely estranged.
Maybe later I’ll blame it on being hormonal, or maybe I can just say Iris already had me crying and feeling affectionate. But for right now, I need this more than I ever thought I would.
“I’m not disappointed in you, Raleigh,” Thomas says firmly. “I’m often frustrated and confused, and sometimes I’m mad as hell. But I am not disappointed.”
“I guess I prefer you being mad,” I sniffle out.
