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But I haven’t confused the amount of time that’s passed. It’s been three months since Derrick and I were locked in that room together, and since then, I haven’t bled once.
I think I’m pregnant.
And the only man on the planet who could be the father… is Derrick fucking Lindman.
This is too big. This is too much. I’m pregnant?! Fuck. There’s probably a tiny creature inside of me and in nine months I might have a stomach the size of a watermelon and then give birth to it and be holding a baby made ofmeandDerrick fucking Lindman-
But no, that’s not right… it’s six months. In six short months, I might be changing diapers. A new thought breaks through the babble, and I feel my stomach roil all over again.
If I’m pregnant, that means I’vebeenpregnant for three months and I know nothing about pregnancy, but I do know that this means I’m probably most of the way through my first trimester.
I might start showing soon.
I’ve only just discovered the possibility, and I could be feeling the baby move before long.
I place trembling fingers on my lower belly, hoping to sense something, anything, that confirms it. I’ve been so listless and bitter these last three months, and now I’m grappling with the idea that there could be a life growing inside me.
Tears leak from my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away, turning my head toward the window to hide my face from Derrick. Thankfully, he’s focused on calling the tow truck to have his Corvette repaired.
God, I don’t even knowifI am. I’ll buy a pregnancy test as soon as I can. I’ll ask Derrick to stop at the convenience store, and I’ll check right there in the stall of the public restroom. I don’t want to get my hopes up.
But… it all makes sense now. The nausea that hit me out of nowhere last week, the way certain smells suddenly make my stomach churn. I’ve been an emotional rollercoaster. And those strange cravings? I never thought I’d be the type to crave olives and chocolate.
A baby
A baby’s not capable of judging me. A baby would need to rely on me, would need me to notice them.
I won’t be alone.
If you’re there, I’m here… for you,I say to myself, pressing my other hand slowly to my stomach overtop of the first, trying to make the gesture as discreet as possible. I can’t feel anything- I suppose it’s still too early. I have no idea when exactly I’ll be able to feel the baby move, or even how big it is right now.
I don’t know the first thing about babies, or being a mother, for that matter. But with my hands resting on my stomach and my eyes threatening to spill over again, I make a decision: I’ll do everything I can to be a good one. I’ll try harder than I’ve ever tried at anything.
If I am pregnant, I can’t stay in my brother’s house with this baby. He’d never forgive me for getting pregnant by one of his most bitter enemies. And frankly, I don’t want to have to look him in the eye if he were to find out. I wouldn’t be ashamed, but I am practical. He’s managed to keep forgiving me for my troublemaking, but this will be too much. I have to make my own way in this.
And what about Derrick? I glance over at him- the potential father. That means nothing to me, so long as I don’t think about it too hard. In fact, not only does he not need to be involved, but he never has to know.
I’ll leave. I’ll leave the estate… forever. I’ll go overseas, make a life for myself and my baby in southern Italy or Switzerland or France. I’ll raise this child without the restrictions orexpectations that were forced on me for my entire childhood. They’ll be happy, and safe, and fiercely loved.
Losing everyone I’ve ever known will… not be easy. How could I possibly explain things to Iris, much less Thomas? I can only imagine they’d be more disappointed in me than they already are. But Clara? Surely, Clara would understand- she wouldn’t judge me. But even then, I can't ask her to keep a secret this big from Thomas, not when they’re just starting their marriage, finding their footing together. We’ve only just begun to reconnect, to find a new normal between us. How could I burden her with this now? It would only make things worse.
I still need to clean all my messes before I leave and that means, getting rid of Silver.
“Welcome to Bun & Run, can I take your order?”
I blink, jolted out of my thoughts as I shift in my seat, suddenly aware that we’re at a drive-thru.
Derrick orders some breakfast sandwiches and gets himself a hot tea. I desperately want to order one of the iced lattes on the menu- but I pick a fruit smoothie with white chocolate instead. Derrick also grabs two little cups full of whipped cream for his dogs.
To my horror, he hands them both to me.
“They’ll love you forever if you feed them these,” he promises.
I don’t want two big dogs to love me. I don’t even want them tolikeme. I want us to be ships passing in the night, never to grace each other with our presence ever again.
Derrick pulls out of the drive-thru with our sandwiches and onto the road before he realizes I haven’t stopped holding the two cups in my hands, staring at them in consternation.
“They’re not going to bite you, Raleigh,” he assures me, misinterpreting my hesitation.
