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“Zane.” I now plead with my voice.
He sighs. Toes the floor. “It scares me, Fee.”
”I promise. I’ll go this week. Get on a plan. You can come with me. Please. I just want to feel normal,” I beg him. I need him.
We’re interrupted by Mia, who shoves a form at me. “Mommy, can you sign this?”
“Okay, are you ready for school?” I look down to see if it’s a field trip signup for later in the week. The kids are going to MoPOP, the pop culture museum that just so happens to be curating an exhibit on northwest music featuring Limelight and Less Than Zero, which will open in the fall. I show it to Zane.
He grins. “Did you know my band’s going to be featured there soon, Meems?”
“No way!” Her mouth is a little “o.”
“Yes way.” He ruffles her hair. “Maybe I should be a chaperone. Should I call your teacher?”
Mia twirls around then looks at him from under her bangs. I love that she’s copying his signature move and using it against him. “Yes, Daddy.”
“Okay, go finish getting ready. We need to leave in about ten minutes.” He kisses her head and shoos her back to her room.
When she’s gone, I go to him. Press my lips to his. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m trying not to lecture. I’m trying to be supportive. You know I don’t want you to live with anxiety, Fee.” He wraps his arms around me. “I do want to go with you. I want us to do it together because you being on these meds affects both me and Mia.”
“I said I’m okay with it.” I don’t mean to sound irritated, but I know it comes out snarky.
He winces. “Uh, good? I’ll go get Mia off to school.” He turns to leave.
“Zane …” I call after him.
He stops. “It’s fine, Fee. If it means you won’t snap at me, I’m all for it.”
I don’t know what to say. So, I say nothing. Let him go.
A couple hours later, I’m online pouring over various menus of Michelin-Starred restaurants around the world. A couple of months ago, I created a spreadsheet, where I have dishes cataloged by course and main ingredient. My intention is to keep track of what customers love and narrow my menus to dishes that are creative for me to make, but also not so far out of bounds they put people off.
My business degree in restaurant management isnotgoing to waste. Not for my restaurant.
Gus.
My dad’s name. I intend to make him proud. If he were alive, he’d be so supportive of me. I know it. I’m feeling psyched. Excited. Which, despite Zane’s misgivings, makes me even less regretful of my decision to take Xanax. It’s helping me. This is proof.
I’m going to be respectful of his opinion on it though. Ultimately, I can’t continue living with a pharmaceutical crutch. I’ll have to find another way.
“You look happy.” Zane smiles at me. I didn’t hear him come in, which isn’t uncommon. I glance at the clock and realize it’s been a while since he took Mia to school.
I walk over to him. Cup his face. “You make me happy, Zaney. I don’t ever want you to think otherwise.”
”Can I say something?” He casts his eyes down. “I mean. Can I get something off my chest?” He looks back up at me.
I stare deeply into his brown, soulful eyes, which are filled with so much love I can hardly stand it. “Of course.”
“I don’t want to waste this time off. The guys are all off doing their thing. Jace and Connor are figuring out being parents. Ty and Zoey are fucking each other all around the world. It would have been fine if we were opening up The Mission and Gus. I guess…um. Well, I guess I don’t want to look back on this year and have nothing to show for it.” He sighs. “I’m bored, Fee. Really fucking bored.”
To say I’m shocked is an understatement. I’ve been so focused on my own issues, I haven’t even thought to ask Zane how he’s doing with the LTZ hiatus. Of course he’s bored. He’s a man who needs to be moving. Doing something. The construction delays aren’t just affecting me.
“What do you have in mind?” I stroke his cheeks with my thumbs.
He covers my hands with his. “I want to travel around the country a bit. See some sights. Jam with some musician friends. I’ve never had much time to spare when we’ve toured the US. Would you and Mia want to come with me?”
