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I can’t believe the comments bother me so much. Before I had Mia, I was genuinely sassy and strong-willed. Super comfortable and secure with myself—and with Zane. I never worried about how much I weighed. Or how I looked. Or what anyone thought. I knew Zane loved me unconditionally so I didn’t care what anyone thought.
It’s infuriating that I’m letting people I don’t know make me feel less-than.
But Ido. Feel less than, that is.
More and more each day, unfortunately.
I might project a certain don’t-fuck-with-me attitude, but most days there’s a constant inner nagging voice that spurs anxiety beyond anything I’ve ever known.
Am I enough?
Zane’s at the top of his game. He’s seen and experienced the world. Earned the right to take a year off. He’s had a ton of sexual experience outside of our relationship.
I mean, what do I have to offer, really? I’m not bringing anything new or exciting to him, I’m the same old Fee. Mia’s the best thing about me, truth be told.
“Huh. I haven’t thought much about it.” Zane shrugs. “I’d fuck you all day if you’d let me.”
“So why sex clubs when we broke up?” I pinch my nose between my fingers. It’s a little painful to talk about the past, but I need to know what he wants. Because, I’ll give it to him.
Zane pulls my hand away from my face and places it on his thigh. “Uh, well, it’s hard to explain. The thing is, I was ruined without you, Fee. When we split, I couldn’t get it up. My dick wasn’t functioning. Not for a long time. I tried the clubs to find out if I was broken. If I’d ever want sex again. This is so fucking embarrassing. Christ—I thought you’d moved on with someone else and were having a baby with him. It destroyed me.”
“But you enjoyed it? Public sex?” I tilt my head, deliberately ignoring the substance of what he’s trying to tell me.
He squints, thinking. “Uh…yeah, I won’t lie but um … what does that have to do with garage blowjobs?”
Huh. Not what I wanted to hear but hell, I’m not going to shame him for it. Not if he likes that kind of thing. I should keep quiet, but my mouth keeps talking. “Do you want to bring me to a club?”
He’s genuinely shocked. “What?”
Shit. I don’t want him to know there’s a part of me that still harbors insecurities about sexual experiences he had without me. And who they were with. We’ve talked about it before, Ishouldlet this go.
I know the past is firmly behind us. He lovesme. Wantsme. He couldn’t tell me—or show me—any more than he does. It’s just … we have gaps.
Our connection was always so strong, we had an unspoken promise to discover and explore our sexuality together. Circumstances intervened.
Our first gap happened when my mom kept us apart during high school. We barely spoke, I was essentially locked up. With no contact from me for over a year, Zane lost his virginity in the band room. I was devastated.
Until he came for me on my graduation day. Time stood still. I gave him my virginity that day and we promised each other all the rest of our firsts. And we followed through. Every chance we got. Even when we lived on opposite coasts.
It all changed again when he went on the road with LTZ.
Stupid me, I sanctioned the whole goddamn thing.
My stupid “love hack” allowed both of us to fuck other people so long as we kept our conquests secret. I thought I was being so clever. Figured we’d avoid all the mistakes our parents made—and talked about all the fucking time.
I was young. Immature. I failed to comprehended the fragileness of relationships.
It was a devious trust test, though, wasn’t it? Oh, I talked a big game about wanting to spread my wings and blah, blah, blah. But, I never used the love hack. Never intended to. The thought of anyone else touching me made my skin crawl.
I sincerely believed Zane would feel the same way.
But, no. Zane fucked hundreds of women over a two-year period while I pined for him at home. Technically, he didn’t do anything wrong. It was my idea, after all. I was still furious. Hurt. Betrayed. I knew I wasn’t being fair. That didn’t stop me from gaslighting him. Making him feel like shit. Shaming him.
My reaction cut him to the core. It drove Zane away.
Losing him utterly destroyed me, but I was still mad. That’s how I succumbed to Corey Johnson’s flirtations, not realizing he’d targeted me. Not realizing my fate had been sealed in the band room back at Zane’s high school.
Zane and I ran into Corey, a fellow student at Garfield High, at dinner when we were vacationing on Lummi Island. Later that night, I learned about the other women and Zane and I split. Corey showed up at The Mission weeks later knowing I had been Zane’s girlfriend. He seduced me, the condom broke and I got pregnant with Mia.
