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“I’m hoping for better than last year.” I tried to keep my voice light and not give away that doing better was quickly becoming all-consuming.
“Judging by the fact that he disappears right after practice, but his car is the last one in the parking lot after every practice …” Hawthorn threw me a knowing look. There was very little I could slip by him.
Adam was nearly as bad. He was looking at me with a scrutinizing gaze that felt like he was reading every desperate thought in my head—how loud the voices had gotten. Adam opened his mouth like he wanted to say something before Derek interrupted him.
“He’s just trying to avoid Lottie.”
“Who’s Lottie?” Adam asked.
“Charlotte Thompson,” Hawthorn filled him in. “She’s our new physical therapist. She’s fantastic. It’s just this guy’s got a stick up his ass about everything this season.”
“Thompson? Is she related to Olivia Thompson?”
“She told me she had a sister that works for the Cougars,” Derek told him.
“Olivia’s one of our media people. She’s great. But back to you, Nolan.” All three of my friends looked back over at me. “What’s going on with you?”
I let out a sigh as I thought about whether I wanted to tell them the truth or not. Which was that after every practice this week, I stayed until the late evening watching game film. My coaches thought that I was devoted to the success of this season. Which might be true, but there was more beneath the surface. I’d found myself so anxious at night with thoughts racing through my head that I wasn’t able to sleep more than a few hours. Nothing was quelling that anxious feeling inside of me and I was beginning to realize that my anxiety wasn’t just for ending up on top at the end of this season. It was also for what was to comeafterthis season, when I finally hung up the jersey for the last time.
I had spent over two decades of my life playing this sport. It was all I’d ever known and in five short months it would all be over. I hadn’t thought much about what was next after my football career was over. It had always seemed so far off in the distance that I hadn’t needed to worry about it yet. Now I was rounding the corner and about to face it head on without any plans. To make matters even worse, there was a beautiful woman who was good at her job and just so happened to see right through all my bullshit.
But could I tell my friends that? What would that make me look like?
“I just want this season to go well.” I decided staying vague would be the best option. “It might sound stupid, but I know this team can win a Super Bowl and all I want is to do my part well, so we have a chance at doing that.”
“Man, this is a team sport. That’s not all on you to worry about.” Hawthorn reached over to grasp my shoulder and give it a squeeze.
“No matter what, I need to figure out what happened last year and not let it happen again.”
Derek and Hawthorn went silent.
They watched me crumble last year. They watched me throw helmets on the sideline, get in arguments with coaches, and curse at myself loud enough that parents would give me the look while trying to shelter their kids. None of those things were me. Or at least not the me that I like. I let a war happen inside my head and I let that war rule me and my actions last season. I was going to try everything to make sure that didn’t happen again.
“We’ve got your back, Nolan.” Derek reached out to give my back a brotherly smack. “You’re not doing this alone. So, stop trying to pretend like you aren’t practically sleeping at the practice facility like a maniac.”
“I haven’t slept there!” I exclaimed.
“Not yet,” Hawthorn mumbled into his beer.
Adam finally spoke up. He normally stayed quiet and listened to the conversations around him, and the few times he did speak was like a wise sage sharing their advice. “No matter what you’re trying to do with your season this year, Nolan, you’ll run yourself into the ground putting that kind of pressure on yourself. It’s your last season with the jersey on. You need to focus on trying to have fun.”
Adam had just announced that this season would be his last. However, the playoff prospects for the Cougars were looking far more likely with each win the team racked up. For him to think I should enjoy my last season instead of focusing on coming out on top was probably much easier from his situation. He wasn’t absolutely fucked in the head from an old injury.
“Yeah, Nol,” Derek added cheerfully. He was already a few beers in as he enjoyed his last Friday night before the season got into full swing. “We’re going to have a blast this season. So, you need to lay off all of us and especially Lottie. She’s just trying to help you. She’s a lot smarter than you think and she may just have some new ideas that you find will be good for you.”
“Since when did you and Lottie become besties?” Hawthorn asked.
“Since she let me ask her questions during treatment and she doesn’t ever say no. She’s got a good vibe to her. I think she’ll make a great addition to the team.”
Even if Derek may have been on to some form of truth about Charlotte Thompson, that didn’t stop me from thinking about how she rubbed me the wrong way. I could already tell we were going to be like oil and water. That was the last thing I needed on top of everything else I was going to have to work through this season.
Sarah and Nora announced dinner was ready shortly after, saving me from any further questioning. We ate outside, enjoying one of the last few nice days before we would enter deep fall and it would be too cold in Chicago to be outside.
I tried to stay present through the dinner and enjoy moments like these that were all the firsts of many lasts to come this season. I knew our friend group would still hang out, have dinners, and enjoy each other’s company, but after this season, Adam and I would enter a different chapter in our lives while Hawthorn and Derek continued.
It was late by the time the plates had been cleared and the conversations had begun to die off. Hawthorn and Sarah called it quits first to get home to their three girls. Derek and I stayed a few minutes longer as we talked with Adam about his thoughts on the end of the Cougars season. They had three weeks before the playoffs started, and they were only four wins away from clinching the divisional title. It was looking like the group could have a Cinderella season with Adam, Jamil, and Tommy at the wheel. Tommy Mikals had settled into his role as captain with the team and played steady so far, consistently showing up when the team needed him during key moments in games. Jamil was having a record-breaking season, and he was only eight home runs away from breaking the MLB record for most in a single season. The press and fanfare around him had brought elevated attention to the team as they drove forward toward their shared goal.
Derek and I said our goodbyes as Adam walked us toward his front door. Nora had disappeared nearly an hour before to put their two boys down for bed.
