AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“That you are. No, the thing is ... I messed up in so many ways, and I feel like I’m still trying to make up for it. People on the set ofCentral Squaregot hurt because I was too busy being the life of the party to notice.” Cole walked away from her as he said it, which should’ve given his words some lightness, but months of knowing the man had her familiar with this play.
“What does that look like to you?” Maggie asked, following him down the path. “When are you done atoning for some childish mistakes?”
Cole gave her a sideways look. “Are any of us?”
“Isn’t that existential?”
She’d been half joking, but he was entirely in earnest. “Humans—we hurt each other in lots of ways. Maybe weallneed to atone more.”
Maggie shouldn’t push this. Her interest wasn’t about doing her job, and it wasn’t about being his friend. She cared because she was in love with him—and trawling these waters with him, it announced it. But he was in such obvious pain, she couldn’t let it be. And if they were going to have this conversation, she wanted to see Cole’s face.
She stopped and leaned her hip against one of the benches ringing the greenhouse. Because he was polite, he froze and turned toward her. In the indigo light, she couldn’t make out his exact expression, but his posture was tight.
“If you’re always feeling like you have to make amends for what you did in the past, I wonder where you have the space to just ... be. I care about living a life that makes a difference, Cole. I care about how my choices affect other people, so I’m not saying that you’re wrong. I just wonder how you find the balance. When you stop beating yourself up.”
He worked his jaw for a second. “Are you saying I’m too hard on myself?”
“Yes. Maybe.”
Cole scrubbed his hands over his face. When he dropped them and spoke, real passion spiked through his words. “I could tell you the same. You go through this intense thing, losing your job for the dumbestpossible reason, and then you turn around and remake yourself into this. And you’re incredible at it. It’s the job you were meant to do. But you still worry if you’re making enough of a difference in the world. What isthat?”
When she said “Well, you got me there,” she expected him to laugh. She expected that it would right this conversation, get them back into the light, slightly flirty space that she and Cole generally occupied.
But whether it was because he was tired or if it was the relative darkness, Cole wouldn’t budge. “I’m serious: What is that, Maggie? Where does that come from?”
Maggie tipped her chin back and watched the lights playing over the glass dome for a minute before she responded. “My parents ... my mom ran a food bank,” she explained. “And then she ran a statewide network of food banks, and now she works at the UNFAO. She’s literally feeding the fucking world. Meanwhile, my dad’s a doctor who’s spent most of his life in field hospitals, real Doctors Without Borders stuff. Whatever you think about me, believe me, they make me look like a corporate raider. Like one of those guys fromThe Wolf of Wall Streetor something. Don’t get me wrong, they supported my interest in theatre. They never missed a dance recital or a play, or—okay, my mom didn’t. Dad did, but ... I know I’m lucky. It’s just I also know they find me a little disappointing.” She looked Cole right in the eye, as if to sayHappy?
Obviously he wasn’t. “Nothing about you is—I can’t even say it. You are a miracle, Maggie Niven.”
She wasn’t feeling like a miracle. She was feeling vaguely pissed. She’d wanted to have a night off. She’d wanted to hang out with her friend. She had no idea why he was pushing her like this. “The lawsuit is about the only time they’ve ever been proud of me, and it was also the worst thing I’ve ever been through.”
Cole took a step toward her. Then another. Much more softly, he said, “That sounds terrible.”
“It was. It is. They are not psyched about this job. If I’d moved into, I dunno, some kind of nonprofit, bringing theatre to underserved urban or rural communities, that would’ve been cool. Hollywood intimacy coordinator? Not so much.”
“You realize that everyone else on earth thinks the opposite.”
“But I’m not the child of anyone else on earth. Look, you asked where that comes from, and that’s where it comes from. And the worst part isthey’re right. Like, what kind of an ass would I be if I were like, ‘No, I don’t want to make a difference. I don’t want to improve the world’? Of course I should want those things! Of course I should do those things!” She hadn’t realized she’d been shouting until she’d stopped and her petulant words were still bouncing around the space.
Oops.
Cole didn’t seem taken aback, though. He simply mirrored her posture, leaning his hip against the bench across from her. “I’m just an actor, and my work improves no one’s life, so take this with a grain of salt. But maybe it doesn’t have to be one or the other.”
“Huh, I’d find that a little more convincing if you seemed to believe it.”
“I will if you will.”
“You really mean that, don’t you?”
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”
He wassucha good guy.
She closed her eyes and took and released a long breath. “I’ll consider it,” she said primly.
Two of Cole’s fingers settled lightly onto the back of Maggie’s hand. It was the most impersonal of touches, not even a caress. It was simply two tiny points of heat and pressure. A handshake was more intimate. But those fingerprints on her skin were a rabbit hole, pulling Maggie down into the earth. Into some alien world where all the things she’d ever imagined about him were possible. Where she wasn’t the only one who’d imagined them.
Maggie didn’t trust herself to open her eyes. She didn’t want to see him touching her.
