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Springtime in Boston had always been Nadia’s favorite time of the year, apart from Christmas, which had always seemed too magical until Rafe’s passing. She hadn’t done any of their normal outings, from taking the girls to seeThe Nutcrackerto ice-skating at Frog Pond. When the email arrived to reserve her seats for the Holiday Pops, she deleted it without even opening it.
Now that spring was in full bloom, she’d taken the girls to the New England Aquarium to see the African penguins, the California sea lions, and the giant Pacific octopus, which happened to be Lynnea’s favorite. Gemma’s go-to animal was the southern rockhopper penguin. She liked them because of the way the feathers on their heads stood up and the yellow streaks made them look like rock stars.
Rafe had preferred the Atlantic harbor seals because they could visit them whenever they were downtown and do so without having to go inside the aquarium. They were now Nadia’s favorite as well.
Nadia stood in the front yard, with the lawn mower in front of her. She eyed it warily and contemplated going inside to get Reuben. He lived in her basement, but his job kept him busy. She appreciated having him in the house at night, but other than that and paying rent, he wasn’t able to help out. Then there was Kiran. Nadia could call him, but she needed to figure things out on her own.
Now she regretted wanting to be independent. Nadia needed to be skillful, but she didn’t want to be. In her mind, she replayed the visionsshe had of Rafe, and the many times they’d done yard work together. Her in the flower beds, weeding and planting, while he mowed, edged, and raked. They were an efficient team on Saturday mornings.
As vivid as her memory of her husband was, she hadn’t a clue about how to start the lawn mower. She pulled her phone out and, while tempted to call her dad or Kiran, she opened an app and looked up the make and model of her mower and asked the search engine for videos. After a tutorial, things seemed simple enough.
The front door opened, and the girls stepped out onto the porch. Gemma held two glasses of lemonade in her hand. She set one on the railing and then sat in the white rocking chair. Lynnea copied her sister while holding her own glass of lemonade.
“What are you girls doing?”
“We brought you a drink,” Gemma said as she motioned toward the glass.
“I appreciate you both,” she told her daughters.
“Do you want us to weed like you used to do with Daddy?” Gemma asked, while Lynnea sighed heavily. Weeding was the last thing Lynnea would want to do. Nadia knew this. Planting was her specialty. Lynnea loved putting the perennial seeds or bulbs in the ground, then watering and watching them grow. Or helping Nadia pick out the annual flowers and moving them from the garden tray into the hole she’d dug.
Nadia nodded. It wasn’t that she needed the help, but she wanted the girls to feel like they were contributing. “Stay there,” she said as she left the front yard and walked to the garden shed in the back. She rummaged through her tools, soon returning with a bucket filled with shovels, trowels, and a rake. Along with the gloves she’d bought the girls last year.
She set the bucket on the step, and Gemma came forward, bringing Nadia’s drink with her. Nadia sipped greedily and gave her daughter a soft smile.
“Lynnea, when we’re done here, we’ll go to the store and buy the flowers. Okay?”
Lynnea beamed and nodded. “Can I dig the holes?”
“Of course. We can get done a lot faster if you help Gemma.”
“With what?”
“When she pulls a weed, if you could stick it in the bucket—that way, when she’s done weeding and I’m done mowing, we can head to the store.”
“Okay, Mommy.” Lynnea came down the steps and picked up her pair of blue gardening gloves. They matched Rafe’s, while Gemma’s and Nadia’s were pink.
The three of them set out to make their front yard look the way it had last spring. After rewatching the tutorial on how to start the mower, she managed to get it going on the second pull. The girls cheered, making Nadia feel like she’d finally succeeded at something good in the past year. She supposed surviving was an achievement unto itself.
As she mowed the yard, she took notice of the other things that needed to be done. The white picket fence needed a new paint job, and there was a loose brick in their walkway. One of the clapboards had warped on the house and would need to be replaced. And the house needed to be painted. The fence and walkway she could manage. The rest, she’d have to hire someone for, and that would cost money. Money she didn’t have.
Nadia finished the front yard and made the girls move to the back while she mowed there. The section of yard Rafe had removed at first thaw last year for a swing set had finally filled in with grass. The girls had never asked about the swing set, which sat in boxes under the awning of their garden shed. Nadia could sell it, or maybe Kiran could bring some coworkers over to put it together for the girls.
She’d ask her dad about the swing set: whether they should put it up or sell it. In hindsight, she wondered how much Gemma would use it and how long Lynnea would be interested in it. It seemed like a massive undertaking for one or two years of entertainment.
Nadia watched the girls. Gemma used the foam kneepad to kneel on as she thrust her trowel under the weeds. Lynnea lay on the grass,staring up at the sky. Nadia followed her gaze. Clouds moved above them, creating shadows and optical illusions. If she lost focus, it started to look like the sky was shifting overhead.
Instead of restarting the mower, she went over to Gemma, tapped her on the shoulder, and motioned her to follow. Nadia lay next to Lynnea, while Gemma lay on her other side. They held hands.
“Do you think Daddy can see us?” Gemma asked.
“He can,” Lynnea said. “He’s always watching. Right, Mommy?”
She believed he was. “He is.”
They stayed there, staring at the clouds, pointing out what they thought the shapes looked like, and laughing. It was the laughter that warmed Nadia’s heart, that told her they were going to be okay. They’d never get back to the time when Rafe was in their lives, but they’d find a medium—happy or otherwise—that would help them move on.
They lost track of time, until Lynnea’s tummy rumbled. They laughed and finally got up. Gemma pointed out the impressions their bodies had made in the ground.
