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It was something the therapist had said. Nadia needed to find a way to move on, to start living her life again. For the most part, life had moved on. Nadia and the girls got up every morning, dressed, and went about their day. In her mind, she could almost pretend Rafe was temporarily gone—on a business trip, out with Kiran, or visiting his parents. That was until Kiran came over. When he was there, they smiled and laughed. He brought that out in them, and she truly appreciated having him around. It was when she put her head on her pillow at night and stared at the space Rafe should’ve been in that her heart broke all over again.
Nadia stared out the window. After Rafe’s death, they’d kept the blinds closed. One of her New Year’s resolutions was to keep them open to welcome light and nature back into their home, even when it was gray and rainy outside. She wanted to watch the seasons change, see their daffodils and tulips bloom, and witness the transformation from winter dullness to vibrant spring.
The guys came upstairs for lunch. Nadia smiled when she saw Kiran. It was as if the response was automatic. After everyone made chitchat and ate, Nadia started cleaning up.
“I saw that,” Lorraine said as she carried plates to the sink.
“Saw what?”
“The way you looked at Kiran.”
“What are you talking about?”
Lorraine stood next to Nadia. She shut the water off, forcing her daughter to look at her. “Gemma says Kiran is here a lot.”
Nadia sighed. “He comes over on Saturday, does the outside chores, and makes sure everything still functions properly. In exchange, I feed him.”
“And on Sunday?”
Nadia stared out the window. “He’s Rafe’s best friend, Mom. Nothing more.” Except when her therapist had brought up movingon, Nadia had refused to even entertain the idea. The notion seemed so far out in left field for her. Until she closed her eyes at night and saw Kiran there.
“It’s okay if he’s more, Nadia. You’re young and you have young children. No one expects you not to move on or remarry. Rafe would want that.”
“Would he?” she asked, looking at her mom. “Would he want his best friend marrying his wife?”
“I think he would. If I know anything about my son-in-law, it’s this—he would want you to move on with someone he trusted—and he trusted Kiran. He’s been a part of your life since the day you met Rafe. He’s known the girls their entire lives, and he’s never done anything to cause you to mistrust him. Give yourself a chance to be happy again, Nadia.”
On the morning of the one-year anniversary, Nadia, the girls, and their extended family woke to a cloudy day, with the sun doing its best to brighten everyone’s moods. No one seemed talkative as they sat around the dining room table, sipping their coffee and eating their breakfast. An occasional noise came from Warren, Reuben, or Adam as they rustled their section of the newspaper. Warren was old fashioned. He wanted his news in print and not on his phone.
One by one, they showered and dressed. Nadia went last yet needed the most time. Lately, she’d been strong; she hadn’t cried in months. But when she woke this morning, the enormity of the day weighed heavily upon her. Everything about the year before was fresh in her mind, from the way they woke up that morning, to what she and the girls wore, to the last time she saw Rafe alive.
Today, Nadia would come face to face with her mother-in-law again, a woman she hadn’t seen in four months. They hadn’t even spoken. Otto was around a lot, though, especially when Warren wasn’t intown. She suspected her father kept in touch with her father-in-law, or was he now her former one? Nadia had no idea what the rules were there. But Cleo had kept her distance. Nadia had a hard time explaining Cleo’s actions. It was one thing to push Nadia away, but not the girls. They needed their grandmother, that connection to the father they’d lost. Cleo had her reasonings, and as much as she didn’t want to, Nadia respected them. Just not the way she treated Gemma and Lynnea. At the end of the day, they were still Rafe’s children. His blood flowed through them.
When they opened the front door, Kiran was poised to knock. Something he’d stopped doing unless Nadia’s parents were in town. “Hey,” he said to the family while staring at Nadia. He held his arm for her to take. “I’d like to escort you to the ceremony.”
“Thank you.”
Kiran walked her to the SUV her father had rented. It was a sleek, black, oversize monster with tinted windows to give her and the girls privacy. For the most part, the local media left her alone. But with the anniversary of the Commonwealth Cup, now known as the Rafe Karlsson Memorial Cup, the media had begun asking Nadia for interviews. She declined each one, having nothing to say. Kiran opened the back door for her and helped the girls in, then shut it behind Gemma. For a brief moment, he conversed with Warren, and then he got in to drive.
Last year, when Nadia had dropped Rafe off for the race, maybe two or three police cars were there. This morning, she lost count after ten. When Kiran held her hand as she exited the back seat, she saw the police were needed for crowd control.
“Why do they need to be here?” The question was rhetorical.
“People like to pay their respects,” Kiran said. “The race has tripled in size. The money earned will go to a new playground.”
“That’ll be nice for the area.”
Kiran agreed. “They’re going to name it after Rafe.”
“Of course they are.”
How were they supposed to move on? While she appreciated the sentiment, it was too soon. As it was, Nadia avoided Harvard Square because of the reminders. Now she’d never be able to come to town to shop or enjoy any of the cafés.
Tia, a representative from the race committee, greeted Nadia. She’d spoken to Tia a few times about their opening ceremony. It wasn’t something Nadia wanted to do, but she also didn’t want Rafe’s name all over television and in the news along with mentions of how his family didn’t show up.
“Good morning,” Tia said. She and Nadia shook hands, and then Tia introduced herself to the rest of the family. She showed Nadia where she wanted her to sit, which was front and center, with cameras pointing at her.
Before her was a photo of Rafe. The sight of him, smiling and happy, caused her breath to hitch. There wasn’t a word for how she felt when it came to missing him. Gemma and Lynnea sat next to her, with her parents next to the girls. Two seats remained at the end for Otto and Cleo, although she had no idea if they’d show up. She hoped so.
