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He smiled as I finished the story for him. I remember so well. I will never forget that day. From that point on, we always said we loved one another. It was a few weeks after that when someone heard him say it to me that we established what it meant.
“Ethan and Madison sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
“Stop,” he shouted.
“You loooove Madison, ewwww.”
“She is like a sister to me. I love her like a sister, you idiot.”
We always said it and it always stuck. We loved each other like best friends, siblings, family. Never anything more.
“I knew I had a crush on you a couple of years later, but I thought it was wrong. Unacceptable. Impermissible. So I squashed it and let it go.”
I laughed nervously, “Yeah.”
“Look, I don’t know where you stand after the whole New York weekend, but I know for me, nothing has changed.”
My heart sank at his words. I realized at that moment just how much I wanted him. How much my mom was right, I loved Ethan the right way. I wanted him to love me the right way.
I bit my lip to keep it from quivering and averted my eyes. “Ok,” I breathed unintentionally harshly.
“Nothing has changed Maddy, because I have never loved you like a sister. Never. Since we were 10-years-old and I first told you I loved you, it's been the kinda love that makes me want to follow you around, keep you safe, be the reason you smile, be the reason you’re happy, the reason you’re satisfied.”
His voice had gotten huskier and deeper. I was scooting closer to him, trying to hear him better even though I could hear him loud and clear.
He loved me.
“What are you saying, Ethan?” I urged.
“Sex didn’t change how I feel about you. It just made it harder to restrain and ignore. Made it harder to be ok with being just friends. Now that I know how it feels to make love to you, I can’t go back. Not anymore. And I know I am breaking our deal and risking our friendship, but Maddy, I don’t think we were ever going to be able to make our friendship work forever. I think you and I have always made love.”
Chapter 34
Ethan
If I was more eloquent, I bet Madison and I would have had this conversation years ago. Because now that it was realized and out there, it was fucking perfect.
I spent so much time trying to tell myself that the way I felt about Madison was neutral and normal. But there was nothing normal about us.
Looking back on it, I should have realized how deep I loved her a long time ago. For instance, when she told me she wanted to lose her virginity. My instinct was to keep her a virgin and wait on the right guy. But truthfully, I knew in my gut that I was the right guy. That she belonged to me.
That is why I always told her she was mine.
Because she was.
And I knew that had been her struggle as well because two people couldn’t fake the love we made. I walked into that room in New York telling her I wouldn’t be her best friend in there, but I was. Because sex didn’t make us notus. It was just an added bonus.
I have spent a lifetime trying to make her happy. I have chased the sun just to give her a smile on her face. Her smile was all I had lived for, outside of baseball.
So yeah, maybe I should have seen this sooner. I should have realized my love for her was much deeper than pseudo-family.
It was the right kind.
We sat there on the boat—my last-minute idea to remind her that I remembered our first time saying, “I love you.” The moon was shining so bright I could see every feature on her gorgeous face shift and reacting to every word I said.
And I knew before she even said it that she felt it too.
“We always made love,” she repeated my sentiment with a whisper. Maybe not in the physical sense, but Madison and I together had always beenlove. Everything we had ever done together made up our love.
