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She spun away from me and took the stairs in two. I cringed when her door slammed. No way was she gonna stick around if that door kept slamming like that. I dug my nails into my fists. What afuckingmess.
Fix things. Make the joists fit. That’s what I did. Even when I was hurting. But I wasn’t doing a good job at fixing anything at the moment. I needed to be on the move. Priority one, findAiden.
I stepped into the cold evening, made my way to the trail and tackled the steep hill, stabbing the track one crutch at the time. Slow, too slow. No way would Nina want to be with us when we were flailing like a bunch of losers. I wanted—no—IneededNinatostay.
Ever since I could remember, I’d wanted a family, a real family, a functional one. My mother died when I was five and, though I was close with my sister, my father scattered us to separate boarding schools on the East Coast. During breaks, all we got from him was fear, denigration and scorn. It was only after I joined the teams that I found a home and my truebrothers.
But the hospital bed had given me a different perspective on life, and these days I longed for more—love, kids, a future that allowed me to build the family I’d never had. I could be a better father and husband than my father had been, if only I got the chance toproveit.
Nina was thatchance.
The trail was steep. The climb was hard. I was tired and aching and the crutches chafed my arms. But I was going up that hill to find Aiden even if I had to crawl the whole way up. Suck up the pain. That’s what SEALs did. That’s the only thing Icoulddo.
* * *
Nina
I lay on my bed, listening for any sounds that suggested the guys had come home. The hours went by. I got very little sleep. When I did, I dreamed I was stuck in a faraway desert among the ruins of some ancient civilization, at the top of a rocky ridge. The guys and I were taking fire, fighting against a ruthless enemy wecouldn’tsee.
In front of me, just out of reach, Zar bled to death on the yellow dirt, his body in tatters, his legs blown off and missing. To my right, Aiden’s body jerked every time a bullet plunked into his flesh. He was bloody and pinned down on a high ledge by a hail of sniper fire. To my left, Tanner stuggled on the ground, caught in spirals of barbed wire that coiled around his body, ripping his flesh and tearing him apart. The worst part? I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t do anything tohelpthem.
I woke up sweating and gasping for air, joints stiff, fingers clawed around the sheets. The sun was beginning to come up. My heart beat so hard that my chest ached. My legs were shaky when I got out of bed and yet I had an urge to run, to flee from the fear icing my bones, to leave the house while I could, even if I triggered thealarms.
But I couldn’t run away, not yet. Dimayev and Calamity were still out there. The guys were missing in action and I needed to know they were okay. I forced myself to breathe and dragged myself to the bathroom, where I splashed my face with cold water before I went down to the kitchen. No sign of Tanner or Aiden. I wrung my hands, feeling completely helpless, and stared out the window, scouring the mountains. Where the hellwerethey?
Get it together, Nina.Do something, something helpful for a change. I started to make breakfast for three, but I burned the toast, dropped the eggshells into the scrambled eggs, and managed to set the bacon on fire. I grabbed the extinguisher, but by the time I put out the flames, the pan steamed with a horrible stench and the kitchen was a wreck. Holy hell. I dropped the extinguisher in the sink and puffed out in frustration. A domestic goddess I’dneverbe.
The sound of a throat clearing made me whirl around. Tanner and Aiden stood on the threshold, gawking, their stares shifting between me and the blackened pan. They both looked like I felt. Exhausted. Tanner’s eyes were red-rimmed, his chin was shaded with dark stubble, and his pants were smudged at the knees. Purple circles underlined Aiden’s eyes. Furious curls escaped from his pony tail and his beard looked wild andunkempt.
“You okay?” Tannerasked.
“I’m fine,” Ilied. “You?”
“Fine,” heliedtoo.
“What’s that stink?” Aiden asked. “You didn’t burn yourself,didyou?”
“No.”
I was burning, yes, but with a flood of savage emotions. I wanted to grab them both, hug them to my chest and never let them go. I wanted to pluck Zar out of whatever Godforsaken place he was in and bring him into my arms’ protective circle as well. I wanted to tell them that whatever they were feeling was okay, that I wanted to help, that I could take care of them if they’d let me, even if it was only for a littlewhile.
And that’s when I knew. That I wanted them, Tanner and Aiden, exactly the way they were, with their strengths and their weaknesses, and not just for a month or two. I wanted Zar, too, or at least a chance to be with him, but I wasn’t sure if he was going to let me in. Which meant I had to get up my courage and do something to close the circle. One way or another I needed to know if the four of us could really get along together. What if I could convince the guys to let me stay, at least for a littlewhile?
Jesus, Nina. What you want? Notpossible.
“Let’s go cyber hunting.” I forced my fiercest smile to my face. “Let’s go find Dimayev andCalamity.”
“Good idea.” Tanner flashed a grin as ferociousasmine.
“Let’s do it,” Aiden said through hislockedjaw.
We went down, single file to the bunker, because sometimes life was not about doing what you wanted, but rather what you couldhandle.
Chapter20
Zar
The heat in the hut where we’d taken refuge topped 103 degrees. I was drenched in my own sweat. The water in my Camelbak was almost as hot as the air and even though I sucked on my hose often, the lukewarm hydration did little to restore my electrolytebalance.
