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Let’s just plunge in. Your scary movie picks are making me want all the old Tales from the Crypts. We had HBO for a couple years when I was little, and I remember staying up late, waiting for that show like it was a religion. No clue if they’d be any good as a grown-up, but I’d be willing to find out.
It’s probably a girl show, but I fucking love me some Six Feet Under. That’s just good TV. If our islands are adjacent, we could trade our Michael C. Hall stashes back and forth via a complex coconut raft and tether system.
For some reason, I think bringing every episode of The Bachelor or Survivor would be smart. I’ve never seen a single minute of either, but it seems like there’s a lot of episodes per season and a lot of seasons, so there’s quantity, plus I think The Bachelor would curb any torturous yearnings for civilization I might be tempted to suffer. Or I would become completely obsessed and overly emotionally involved. Either way, let’s throw one of those in the mix.
Duck Tales. If you didn’t grow up with Duck Tales, you basically had no childhood worth mentioning.
I think I need another quality collection to balance out the irony and nostalgia … something funny but well-written.
Oh shit, back up! I need to swap out Duck Tales and bring The Simpsons instead. Gazillions of episodes, even if I’d probably only ever fire up seasons two through eight. SNL is also a temptation for sheer volume, but I think I’ve made the right choice here.
And since that covers the funny factor, my final pick would be The X-Files. That one’s nostalgia, too, but also good writing, for the most part.
Now you—top five pop songs. The ones you never, ever switch the channel on when they come on the radio. Cheesier the better.
2.22am
I’m so glad I asked you not to skimp on reasons. Your reasons are so good. Like getting overly emotionally involved in The Bachelor, which I can completely see happening to me too. I would probably intend to stay aloof and ironic about it. But then the bachelor would choose Jessie over Susie and it would be bedlam.
Oh and yes yes yes a thousand times yes to Six Feet Under. I almost said that, but then wondered if it would make me seem obsessed with Hall. Even though I swear to god I barely noticed him when I first watched that show. And any feelings I have about Dexter are purely to do with him being essentially Batman.
If we were honest about what Batman does.
As for the rest if your choices: I would definitely need you to create the pulley system. I need Simpsons and X-Files and even Tales from the Crypt, even though I distinctly remember seeing an episode as a kid and not sleeping for the rest of my life.
Now: pop songs.
1. The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Both because it’s a lighthearted pop song and also because it’s probably what will play to herald the coming of our doom at the hands of a goblin army.
2. What Is Love by Haddaway. Probably for the same reason? I can definitely see Satan riding in on his chariot to this tune.
3. Push the Button by The Sugababes. Surely this must be a humiliating enough choice? They spell sugar wrong in their name. And yet I feel that this song is everything good about music.
4. I’m Like a Bird by Nelly Furtado. I think this might actually be an excellent choice. The kind of choice that posh, cultured people would make to diversify their lists of joyless dirges. But I’m putting it here anyway because it’s impossible to not.
5. Irreplaceable by Beyoncé. This has to go on the list, because not long ago I discovered to my total shock that it is the number one played song on my iPod. By an insanely huge amount. Like so insanely huge I’m a little concerned I’ve been sleepwalking to the sound of it playing.
Hopefully that was cheesy enough for you.
Now hit me with your own cheese.
4.29am
Jesus fuck, why am I not asleep?
Because we’re basically curating mix tapes, is why. I can agonize for days just over the song order in a mix, especially if there’s a girl involved. And there is, of course, though we’re making anti-mix-tapes, here, all cheese and no dignity. It’s kind of a relief.
Okay, here goes.
1. Say, Say, Say. You know, that duet between Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney, and it had an amazing video where they’re snake-oil salesmen traveling around in a Conestoga wagon in the Old West or something? It’s probably not either of their best work, but I fucking love it. I bet it makes it onto 90+ percent of my road trip mixes.
2. Since U Been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson. I love bitter-ass break-up songs, and that one is solid gold.
3. Cry Me a River, by Justin Timberlake. Same reason.
4. Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now, by Starship. Theme to the movie Mannequin? I bet my mom played that single eight thousand times when I was little. It’s seared onto my brain like grill marks. If I ever find out that by freak coincidence we live in the same village, I’m going to celebrate by drugging you and rolling you in a wheelbarrow to the nearest karaoke bar and forcing you to perform it with me.
5. It’s All Coming Back to Me Now, by Meatloaf. I don’t know why, but I can’t hear that song and not cry. Like, full-on sobbing if I’m alone, or feigned-allergy sniffles if there are witnesses. Don’t tell anyone.
