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I don’t know how I missed it.
I should have known, should have seen it coming, but I didn’t.
I was blindsided, now smacked into reality with the hardest, rawest of truths I ignored but can no longer deny. It’s a reality so painful, I’d swear my heart was literally bleeding if I didn’t know any better.
The love I hold for the boy who is no longer here…is but a spark to the flame of the man who is.
And that’s the ugly truth right there. That’s where the fear takes root.
The death of Deaton left a hole in my heart, but that hole has been filled.
It overflows now, liquid warmth pouring through my every vein and covering me in a blanket of belonging I’ve never experienced before.
It’s completely and utterly terrifying in an entirely new way.
Because what happens if that blanket is ripped from my back and I’m left exposed and colder than ever?
What happens to my innocent baby boy if I fall to my knees, and this time I can’t get back up, because that is exactly what will happen. There isn’t a doubt in my mind. If faced with the loss of Mason Johnson, I will shatter into a million tiny pieces, never to be put back together again.
Losing him would be my undoing, the final blow to my already battered being.
He put me back together, but if he was gone, no one could repair the damage that would cause.
He’s everything I didn’t know I needed and more than I ever thought I’d have, so again…
What happens to me, to my little boy, if the cold cruel world were to take him from me?
If he himself decided to go?
I can’t allow myself to find out.
I have to protect myself, and there’s only one way to do that.
Mason’s beautiful face slips to the forefront of my mind, and I sob silently.
I have to break my promise.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Payton
Now,November
I run.My feet pound against the pavement, and I’ve never been more appreciative of the expensive stroller my brother splurged on. Tears fog my vision, and my calves burn, but I keep running until my legs begin to shake, veering toward the grass when they do.
I drop onto all fours, Deaton still fast asleep in the carrier, and let my head hang. Guilt and regret weigh me down as if a bag of boulders has been released on me.
Guilt for all the things I feel and all the things I don’t.
Regret for all the things I’ve done and all the things Ihaven’tdone.
It’s a confusing, twisted state of mind I can’t get out of. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation, every answer as right as it is wrong. It’s frustrating, but most of all, it’s downright draining.
I’m exhausted battling against the girl in the mirror, and sometimes I forget why. Why am I doing this to myself?
Not just yourself…
The damn tears threaten to come rolling back, but I push against the overwhelming sense of failure trying to take control, searching for a bit of the steel I built around myself before my world fell apart.
