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I read over the words written before me.
Deaton Vermont, son and brother. Loved by many and lost too soon.
It says nothing about his legacy, the only person who truly loved him and the little boy he left behind, let alone never got to meet.
I blow out a long breath, tamping down my anger, and pull my wallet from my pocket, taking out one of the copies of the little picture I had printed, the first and only thing I see when I flip open the old leather.
I run my fingers over the number on his chest, wishing I’d thought to print the back side that showed they share a last name. His real dad’s name.
His only dad?
I focus on Deaton’s chubby cheeks, the tight squish of his smile making my own wobble. With shaky hands, I stretch out, leaning the little photo against the headstone, the sight forcing me to look away to get myself in check.
“I…uh…” Fuck.
How is it so hard to talk to someone who can’t even talk back?
Blowing out a long breath, I force myself to keep going.
“I know he’s yours. He’s every bit you as he is her, and I’ll never forget that, not for a minute, man. I can promise you that, but…I love him like he’s my own, and I know I’ll never stop. You have to know I didn’t plan on any of this, but it happened, and I don’t know what to do.” I clench my teeth. “She’s pulling away, and I’m losing my mind. I’m losing her, and that means I’ll lose him, and that right there makes me feel like I’m fucking dying.” I wince at my word choices but can’t take them back, because it’s true.
Nothing that mattered before matters anymore. Not without her.
Not without him.
I swallow, shaking my head and whipping the rain in my hair with my hands.
I look down, whispering the words aloud to the only person who could possibly understand.
“I love her, Deaton. I love her with everything I am, and I’m so fucking fucked because I know now what I missed then. That no matter what I do and no matter how much time passes, she’ll never truly love me back, because at the end of the day, I’m not you. You left, but she didn’t let you go. She’s holding on with all she’s got, and I can’t even hate you for it. I want to, but I can’t. If she loved you this much, you must have been one hell of a guy, because she’s…an anomaly.”
My anomaly.
She’s my everything.
Yet she’s not even mine, is she?
“So what do you say?” I look at the headstone once more. “Do I learn to let go or keep fighting?”
Thunder breaks from the clouds then, and the rain pours in heavy streams.
I close my eyes, pointing them to the sky.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, too.
She’s inside me now, and no matter how sharp the blade, nothing is cutting her out.
All I can do is weather the storm and hope when the clouds clear and the sun rises, I’ll still have the strength to stand.
Even if it’s not at her side.
With a sigh, I pull out my phone. “Okay, Big D. Time to teach me a little something…”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Payton
Before,March
