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She turns to face me, looking me dead in the eyes with that steady, fearless stare of hers. “I think you should take the job because it’s your dream to do that type of work, to be out there studying birds in their habitat and working to save them. I saw that firsthand when we went out on the boat with Archie, and I think it made me fall a little bit more in love with you, even though I was still trying to deny that I felt anything for you at all. And over the last few days, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how happy being out there made you.”
“It does make me happy,” I tell her, shrugging a bit. “But being with you and near you is essential to me like nothing else is. And so is your happiness.”
She shakes her head at this. “But that’s just it. These last few weeks you’ve done everything possible to ensure my happiness, and I am so, so appreciative of that. But you’re treating me a bit like I can’t handle any hardship or difficulty, and you’re treating your own needs like they are secondary to mine. I don’t want to be the only happy person in this relationship. And I don’t want you to protect me from yourself any longer.”
Understanding, and a bit of shame, washes through me, because Angela is completely right. I have been protecting her, perhaps a bit too much.
“I’m afraid that if I give you any reason to doubt me, that if any part of this becomes too difficult or painful, it will all fall apart,” I admit.
“I know,” she says, gently cupping my jaw in her hand. “I know. And while we were on Isle North, maybe you did need to be cautious, because I probably would have run away at the first sign of danger. But I trust you now, and I trust that we can make it through doing long distance while you’re in Iceland. And I need you to trust me, too.”
“I do trust you, Angel, I do. I promise. But I can’t accept that job,” I say. “I love that you want me to be happy, and that you’rewilling to do long distance just so that I can have the career I’ve always wanted. I know that it must have taken a lot for you to offer that, especially after I abandoned you back then. But I can’t be thousands of miles away from you and also be happy. That’s not how it works for me anymore.”
“It’s your dream. I can’t keep you from that,” she says.
“It’s not my dream anymore, though. When I was twenty, being somewhere remote with just a team of researchers to keep me company sounded great. But now I want other things. Yes, I want a good career, but I also want a comfortable home near my friends and a family, with you and everyone else in Harborview.” I feel my eyes get hot as I say the word family, because I’m reminded of how bad at supporting me my own family has been over the years, and how much it would mean to me to build a new one with Angela. “And I’m going to have a good career,” I continue. “I got the teaching job at the University of Maine. And I talked to Judith about applying for a grant to start our own research project on seabirds and climate change, right here in Maine. She’s completely on board, and we’re going to do the application together.”
“Carter, that's wonderful!” Angela pulls me into a hug, nestling her head against my chest.
“I should also probably tell you that I submitted my dissertation,” I say against her hair.
“Oh my god,” she says, leaning back to look me in the eyes. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me as soon as you hit submit!”
“I wanted to have all the pieces in place before I said anything.”
“Of course you did,” she says, flicking me on the nose.
“And I only submitted it about an hour ago anyways,” I say. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”
“Good,” she says. “But you’re really okay with not going to Iceland?”
“Definitely. Being in Iceland specifically doesn’t matter to me that much, and I’d rather be working to help preserve part of my home.”
“That makes sense. Maybe you’ll even get to work on Isle North.”
“I’ll put it in the grant proposal,” I say. “Archie will get sick of me.”
“Should we celebrate tonight?” Angela asks me. “We could have a fire at the beach with Jamie, Cat, and Hunter.”
“I don’t have the grant yet,” I remind her, because it’s going to be tough as hell to get the project funded, and Judith and I might need to make multiple applications.
“But you basically have a PhD now. And you have two job offers,” she says, taking my hand in hers and gracing me with a brilliant smile. “Plus, you’re staying in Harborview, and we have the rest of our lives to be happy together.”
38
ANGELA
After Carterand I celebrate his thesis submission in various positions all over my house, we go to Huddle’s Point for a fire with our friends. Cat and Jamie bring a bunch of summer salads, and Hunter sets up a portable grill. We eat while the sun is setting, and stay well into the night afterwards, sitting on beach blankets and staring out at the water.
The water is dark and perfectly smooth, like black ice on asphalt. The sky is set with glittering stars which are reflected in the calm water, and where sea and sky meet there’s no clear distinction, making it feel like the entire world around us is made up of stars and night.
“This is where it all started,” I say to Carter. “Where you first approached me at that summer party.”
“And we still can’t believe you hid that from all of us for nearly a decade!” Cat shouts from the blanket that her and Jamie are sprawled on, before dissolving into a fit of giggles.
“You’re wrong, Angel,” Carter says. “Even if this is where I finally gathered the courage to make a move, all of this,” he continues, gesturing at the space between us, “started the day we met. I could feel it then, even if I couldn’t name it. I knew that you would be the…” He trails off, his voice thick with emotion.“That you would be the most important person I ever met, and that loving you would be the best thing I ever did.”
“Carter Steel, you old softie,” I say, leaning into his warm body. “You’re the most important person I’ve ever met, too,” I admit.
