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He should have let me go home with her.
I had a choice and chose not to go with her. I should have.
He and Liam should have looked harder for her.
I should have ignored her bad mood and not argued with her.
I missed my best friend.
I’m angry with my best friend.
He should have let me go after her.
“Maddy.” Emma lifted onto her elbows and stared at me. “The boys tried to find her, and as much as I love her, she was being a bitch to us all. We were right to let her leave. She wanted to leave, and if you’d gone after her you know she’d have said something vile to you. If you’d followed her, you might not have persuaded her to go the long way home, and then we’d be grieving for both of you.”
Her last comment caused me to gasp. “Stop quoting my dad.” He’d said it to me a couple of times since we’d heard the news, and he was wrong, I’d have persuaded her easily. She’d have gone back to the party with me. I know she would have.
“Your dad is hot and right,” Liv added with a yawn. “And we should really get up. We’ve been in our pyjamas for almost forty-eight hours, and we can’t keep eating the food your dad leaves on the dressing table.”
We could, as long as Dad kept providing it for us. On the night that we found about Ana, we all decided that we wanted to spend the night together. Dad had persuaded me to go back downstairs and be with my friends after my initial tantrum.But then, when after fifteen minutes of awkward silence, interspersed with sobs from me, Emma and Liv, pizza arrived, I totally lost it. I stormed back to my room to be joined about ten minutes later by my friends telling me that Liam, his family and Zak had gone home with a pizza courtesy of my dad. The girls stayed the night and still hadn’t gone home. Their parents had visited and checked in on us, but we just wanted to be together to cry and talk about Ana.
“I don’t want to ever leave this room,” I told her.
“We need to soon, Mads,” Emma said softly. “I think we’d feel better if we went back to school. My mum said Miss Rogers in Pastoral Care told her we can have more time, but if we go back they’ll give us any help we need. Plus, you do need to speak to Zak. Liam said he’s really worried about you.”
“Liam or Zak?” I deadpanned.
“You know who.”
She sat up, taking the duvet with her, and I snatched at it, pulling it up to my chin. “I just can’t,” I muttered.
Liv groaned and got up to her knees, leaning her forearms on my bed so her head was close to mine. “Madeline, Zak is worried about you because he cares aboutyou.He more than cares about you.”
Any other time that statement would have had my stomach in the best kind of knots, but my heart was currently too full of grief to care.
“She’s right,” Emma added. “Liam said that Zak is crazy about you. He told Liam that he’s never felt like this about anyone before, and that he’s dreading leaving you when he goes to Edinburgh.”
I didn’t respond, just turned on my side, so I was facing the wall, away from Liv. Unfortunately, though, I was in direct eyeline of Emma’s boobs which were almost spilling out of theside of her vest top. In frustration, I pulled the duvet over my head.
“You can’t hide forever, Mads. We all have to face the outside world at some point, and maybe today should be the day.” Emma tried to drag the duvet back down, but I held on tight.
“Please.” Liv pleaded. “Listen to Emma and call Zak.”
As I lay in quiet contemplation, there was a knock on my door. It opened slightly and I heard my dad’s voice.
“Can I come in?”
With a grunt, I threw the duvet over Emma, and yelled, “Come in.”
He popped his head around the door, his eyes immediately going to me. “Do you think you girls should think about getting out of bed. It’s almost one and you’ve been in here for two days now.”
The ache in my heart increased for a split second as I remembered why we’d been in my bedroom for two days. Dad took a step inside and even in the dim light of my room with the curtains closed, I could see how tired he looked. His hair needed a cut, there was grey under his eyes, and his hand was pushed deep into his jeans’ pocket while the other clutched the door.
“I’ve made some chilli so how about you all come down and get some?”
“How’s Maya?” I asked, rubbing my eyes. “Is her pain any easier?”
“She’s getting there, sweetheart.” His face softened as he looked at me. He then walked over to the curtains and pulled them open. “Let’s at least get some light in so you know what time of day it is.”
