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I smiled. The sex had been awesome. A good distraction from the crap going on in my head. I liked that about her, that she always knew what I needed. She gave me shit most of the time, but she was always aware of when I needed something more than her harsh words.
My phone buzzed, taking my attention away from the memory of me feasting on her on my piano. It was a text from Maria, my youngest sister. It showed the first line – ‘Are you okay?’. Instantly I was back in that room that reeked of death, watching my dad slowly ebb away.
My dad.
He wasn’t my dad, he was…what was that cliched phrase? Oh yeah, my sperm donor and nothing more. I had no idea what I should have been feeling. It felt like grief was infusing my blood with misery and it was spreading through my body like poison.
When I was on the gear, I always felt the black cloud of gloom following me everywhere. My skin constantly itched to get a fix, even when I was coming down from the last one.Evenwhen I was taking one I couldn’t wait until I could take another. I was obsessed and addicted and desolate. Yet, sitting alone thinking about my dead father, I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt so low or close to hell. The thoughts of what might have been kept invading my head space. Missing something that I’d never had.
Feeling the anger building, my eyes went to the glass bowl on the side. It was where I kept my keys. Always throwing them in there when I got home. My car key, the apartment key, the key to my mum’s house, the key to a lock up I had with a load of crap in it. And, on the same keyring, my snuff spoon. The one given to me by a roadie when he’d sold me my first baggie, a gift he’d said. I’d even managed to scratch my initials into it with a nail, I’d been that protective of it. You’d think as someone trying to stay off the drugs I’d have dumped it a long time ago. For me, though, it acted as a reminder of how bad things could get. While it remained clean and untouched, it meant that I was off the blow. I knew the guys always worried about me keeping it, but I was determined to use it only ever as a warning. Yet, at that moment, I considered how just one line of snow could take me from hell to paradise. It was fleeting, though, because the time in paradise was short and your misery and worries were still there waiting for you when you came back. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t tempted to get in my car and drive to find a dealer in the back streets of Manchester, though.
When my gaze landed on the framed photograph next to the glass bowl, any thoughts I had of disappearing down that rabbithole flew away. It was a group shot of me, the guys, and Cassie. Cassie was holding onto my arm, her cheek nuzzling against my bicep, and everyone was grinning. It had been taken exactly a month after she’d locked me in her and Beau’s spare room to get the poison out of my system. I looked gaunt and pale, could barely stand, and felt as sick as a dog, yet I don’t think I’d ever felt happier. As well as the spoon, that picture was also my crutch. How could I let our beautiful Cassie down after she’d put so much work and faith into me?
My throat started to tingle, and tears started to form as I thought about her and Aldo. There could never be two different people. Cassie always made sure I knew that she loved me and supported me, good and bad. Whereas Aldo, well he was never there for me. Not when I needed him the most or even when I didn’t. Yet, the dull pain in my chest was the same. It was only the ringing of my doorbell that stopped me from dropping to my knees and letting the emotion pour out.
I sat there for a few seconds, wondering if I ignored it, would whoever it was go away? The ringing became more insistent, and I knew it was one, if not all, of the guys. There weren’t many people who had access to the private lift from the car park without having to buzz up first. If it wasn’t them it was Ali, but she wouldn’t be so heavy handed on the bell. My guess was that it was Beau being all bossy and angry. Sighing, I got down from my stool and walked through the apartment to the front door, bracing myself for a bollocking for something I had no idea I’d done.
“What?” I asked as I swung the door open.
Instead of the bollocking I expected, I was pulled into a pair of arms and squeezed until I could hardly breath.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Beau growled against my ear.
“We would have gone with you.” Elliot slapped a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” Ronnie sounded as near to tears as I had been.
I could hardly breath, Beau was holding me so tight. “I’m tapping out,” I groaned, patting his back. “Let me go.”
After one last squeeze he released me and when I saw his face, it was like those first months after Cassie and Bobby died. The grief and despair in his eyes were unmistakable.
“Hey,” I said, cupping his elbow, “I’m fine.”
“But it’s your dad, mate,” Ronnie whispered from behind me, his voice cracking.
“Hardly. More my life giver and nothing more.”
“Yeah, but even so.” Elliot looked at me with those appraising eyes of his. Obviously, trying to figure out how to start one of those ‘chats’ he loved so much.
“Honestly, I’m fine.”
“You sure?” Ronnie asked.
Nodding, I sighed. “Yeah, honestly. Come on, I’ll make us a brew.”
I nodded in the direction of the kitchen, but as they started walking, something struck me. “Hey,” I said, making them stop and turn back to me. “How did you know anyway?”
Each of them looked a little shifty and when I heard a noise behind me, three pairs of eyes looked away from me and over my shoulder.
Destiny.
“You rang them,” I stated, turning to follow their gaze.
She shrugged. “I thought they should be here. To support you.” She didn’t acknowledge them any more than a cursory glance as she walked over to the coffee table and picked up her iPad. “I’m going out for dinner with Laura. I’m going in about an hour and staying over at her place.”
She knew that I couldn’t fucking argue with her. Not in front of my mates and certainly not if I didn’t want them to know what was going on between us. To be honest, though, they weren’t stupid. They must have been wondering why she was staying with me.
“Right,” I said, feeling my throat closing. “See you tomorrow.”
