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That was total honesty. He didn’t scare me as much as the thought of him did. Knowing that Ronnie was supporting me added to my bravery. In fact, thinking about him made my heart race and butterflies swarm in my stomach. After our talk on the bus, my emotions were all over the place. Mainly on a high of hope and excitement. The first rush of attraction. Confidence in the future.
“Will you be okay for now? I have a couple of calls to take and need to make sure Destiny has got them all in the dressing room.”
The dressing room where Jimmy would no doubt be taking a quick line of coke before going on stage. I had no idea why he felt the need. He was a much better performer when he wasn’t full of chemicals. He just didn’t see that and no one in the band ever felt the need to tell him. They complained that he was erratic on stage with it, but didn’t say how good he was without it. I’d tried to get him to understand but he’d just frown at me and tell me that I didn’t even have a job, so how would I know?
“I’ll be fine. You go.”
With one last apologetic smile, she put her phone to her ear and left. Leaving me alone and wondering what the hell I was going to do for the next couple of hours. I looked around for something to read but there was nothing. I reached for the TV remote control and pointed it. It snapped on and showed me the stage and the roadies doing their final set up. Not exactly enthralling but somehow it kept my attention, to the point that I didn’t hear the door open. The first I realised that I wasn’t alone was when the sofa dipped next to me.
“Oh my god,” I gasped. “You scared me.”
Ronnie gave me a lobsided grin. “Sorry. I just thought I’d come and see you before we start getting ready.”
I stared at his gorgeous face and how happy he looked. Was that because of me? Did I instil that level of joy in him?
“Are you allowed?” He had a scruff of stubble that hadn’t been there the day before. It was sexy and it took everything for me not to scratch my fingernails through it.
“Yes,” he scoffed. “As if Destiny could stop me.”
I raised a brow. “Are you sure?”
“Fuck, who am I kidding?” he said. “She’ll kill me if I’m not back in ten minutes.” Ronnie looked around the room. “What the hell are you supposed to do in here?”
“Watch the gig.” I pointed to the TV.
“Like you haven’t seen it before.”
“Ali did say I can go back to the hotel once Blind Devil have finished.”
Instantly, Ronnie’s easy-going demeanour vanished, and his hands clenched into fists. “Why do you have to sit through them? Why can’t you go now?”
“In case the paps are outside. They want it to look like I’m here supporting Jimmy.”
The inevitability of my future for the next couple of months suddenly weighed heavy and wiped away any happiness that I’d been feeling. The idea of having to sit in a similar room night after night filled me with dread.
Ronnie must have seen my thought pattern because he nudged me. “How about tomorrow we go out and get you some books? Ooh,” he slapped his hand against my leg, “or what about some puzzle books? Crosswords? Do you like crosswords?” He frowned and then gave me the biggest smile. “Lego. Let’s get you some Lego you can do while you’re waiting.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, he seemed so excited at the prospect of me building Lego. “Some books would be good. Maybe a couple of puzzle books, although they may be in French if we buy them here.”
“Good point.” He narrowed his eyes. “I’ll get Ali to get some ordered and sent to the next venue. Go online and pick what you want.”
“Honestly, you don’t need to go to all that trouble.”
“Yes, I do.” He took a deep breath.
When I felt his little finger wrap itself around mine I stopped breathing. The air was charged as we watched each other. The only noise being the faint buzz of the TV screen while my heart fought to escape from my chest and my veins began to heat with want and need. We were so close that our breaths mingled. I was sure that I could hear Ronnie’s heartbeat.
He licked his lips and swallowed. “I know what we said last night, about waiting, but I’m struggling here, Amber.”
My throat felt prickly as I pushed back the tears that inexplicably wanted to force themselves from my eyes. The sentiment of the moment felt too much. Like I needed to shove the desire away, but it was far too big. A boulder that I knew could squash me, but I wasn’t able to move.
“What are we going to do?” I asked. “How do I justify what I want?”
He shook his head. “You don’t. There’s no way you can because no matter how you feel about Jimmy, you have morals.”
Since when would morals help ease the ache that I had in my chest?
“I don’t owe him anything. He lost any right to my loyalty a long time ago.”
