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That was the second time that day I’d heard those words, and I was beginning to think they weren’t good things.??
“How do you plan on apologizing to me?” He gripped my chin harder so I couldn’t turn away. I craned my eyes to my mother as he held my face in place.
I pleaded to her with my eyes.
I saw no love for me in her. Only hate. She blamed me for Dad's death, and she was never going to look at me the same. “What do you want her to do to apologize?”??
Want me to do? What, is she going to send me downstairs to clean up his house too?
He turned his head to look at mom, and something passed between them that I didn’t understand. “If I let you do this, I get more than just you not complaining to Lloyd anymore.” She crossed her arms over her chest, hip popping out.??
“Sure, but this never ends.”??
“Deal.” My mom turns to the dresser right next to her, opens it up and pulls out a pair of my socks.??
“Hold her down.”?
One second, I am facing them, the next I’m flipped over onto my stomach across the corner of my bed.?
“Mom sto?—!”
She crammed the socks into my mouth. Then her hand was clasped over them. My pants and underwear were pulled down around my ankle, one leg freed. Panic choked me as I tried to breathe through the socks in my mouth. I pushed and tried to lift my head off the pink sheets, but I couldn’t. Her hand was holding my head down.
I heard the sound of his belt jingling. The slow pull of a zipper. The shift of clothes moving.
Then white hot pain entered my body. I felt like I was being split in two, all the air leaving my lungs in a clogged gasp. A loudringing started in my ears, but it wasn’t loud enough to block out the grunts, the whimpers, the hot air on the back of my neck.??
I was in so much pain I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t scream.
I wanted to disappear. I wanted my daddy to come back.??
But he’s never coming back. He’s dead. And it’s all my fault.??
I squeezed my eyes shut, but behind my lids, all I could see were ice-blue eyes. Opening my own eyes, I looked at the floor. I could see my mom’s toes and his brown boot with the tear in the side standing on the dingy brown-stained carpet. Her pink, chipped polish. The white sock poked out the tear.??
I focused on them until I felt his weight lifted off and my mom’s hands let go of me. They said something, then once it felt like they had left the room and the door clicked shut, I curled into a ball on my pink bedsheets, my hand shaking as I reached up and pulled the sock out of my mouth. The contents of my stomach went with it. I gasped and heaved through the pain, spitting out the bile, and cried.
CHAPTER 2
WREN, 13 YEARS OLD
I wonderedif dandelions could kill someone. In the world in my head, I picked lots of dandelions and sprinkled them in Mom’s food. I put them in a little metal ball and steeped them like tea. They were poisonous, and the more she drank, the sicker she got.??
I slowly walked home from school, picking the dandelions that grew in the cracks of the sidewalk and between the concrete and fences. Ahead, there was a break in the fence that let the canal run through. I watched the water rush under the road for a minute before plucking the heads off the flowers one by one and tossing them in.??
I thought about death a lot. I wondered what dying would be like. Was there heaven and hell? Was Daddy at peace now that he was dead? Had all his pain stopped??
I didn’t really want to die.??
Well, sometimes I did. But when creepy Kevin, Mom and Lloyd weren’t around, when I was alone, I didn’t want to die.
CHAPTER 3
ALEX, 17 YEARS OLD
“Alexander Ja—!”??
My mother’s voice was cut off by my slamming the door in her face. I hiked my backpack up higher on my shoulder and headed down the stairs of the fourplex I’d lived in my entire life. I followed the sidewalk till I got to the back of the property and cut through the fence and over the train tracks to school. This was the fastest route to get there, even though my mom had yelled at me numerous times to not take the shortcut. She didn’t want me walking through this part of the neighborhood. It wasn’t uncommon to hear gunshots at night or see police lights over here or hear about the break-ins.??
