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“Love.” I cupped his face, brushed my thumbs over the wrinkles by the corner of his eyes. “Let's sit down.”
Alex sat me between his legs, I let my feet brush the cold water. His arms were banded around my middle as if he was the only thing keeping me from falling back in.
“We should move, find a new place where nothing bad has ever happened.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time I tried drowning?”
I could feel the tension building in his body, so I ran my hands up and down his thighs, trying to soothe him.
“I had just turned twelve. Kevin had been in my life for about eight months by that time. This was after I told my Aunt Katie what had been happening and she brought me back to them. I overheard my mom say something like, ‘If her life is so bad then she would just kill herself. Until then, her life obviously isn’t that bad.’
“I didn’t know what suicide was. I didn’t understand the concept of it, but at those words I thought, maybe if I tried to, maybe it would make everyone realize how bad things were. So on my way home from school one day I was crossing by the canal and I just jumped in.” I shrugged, letting my toes graze into the water again, and watched as the ripples expanded to the middle of the lake until they dissipated. “The current took me under and pulled me a ways down. At some point, the canal widened, the current wasn’t so fast, and I got myself to the edge. Climbed up on some rocks and got out. Back then, I just thought that I didn’t drown because my dad taught me how to swim.”
“What did you do after you got out?”
“I walked back home, soaking wet. Stripped out of my clothes in my room and changed into new ones. Tried hiding under the bed from Kevin. Life went on.” I pressed my back into his chest. “I’ve never been a religious person, Alex, but I never missed the fact that the same place I had tried to end my life was the same place I ran into you, and my whole world changed. Maybe divine intervention does exist.” I tried to catch his eyes but he buried his face in my neck. “After you went to jail, and Gloria got sick, I started looking for a new place. I couldn’t stay in that house. I told the realtor that I wanted something outside of town, with a large property. I didn’t care about the cost, I would make it work. I just wanted to be away from people. This place had been on the market for years. The previous owners had died in the house, I guess that made some people not want to live in it.” I shrugged. “They died of old age and together. I liked that. So, I took it. It needed a lot of work, but I needed something to keep me busy.”
He listened quietly, his hands loosening and then tightening on me every so often.
“I never really wanted to die before. Not until Jon had told me you were dead. After I got that news I threw myself off of this dock. I was drowning in my sadness, my anger, but I always knew how to swim. So I did. Every time it was too much to handle, Iwould swim laps in this lake until my arms and legs felt like they would fall off.”
“So, you’re telling me we aren’t moving.”
I tipped my head back to look at him. “Alex, I’ll move if you really want to. I’ll pack everything up and find a new home with you, but this lake healed me, and I think it could heal you too.”
CHAPTER 52
WREN
One monthlater
I stood outside on the cracked sidewalks staring up at the nightmare I used to live in. The Cherry Wood apartments had been vacant for about two years now. They were falling apart. Trim was no longer just popped but had completely fallen off. There was graffiti on the sides of the buildings now; all the windows were smashed. Red signs were plastered on every door, sun-faded and nearly illegible.
violation
Listed were what I assumed were city codes and other things.
I didn’t know how Alex did it, but he did. He’d managed to buy the property from the bank. I turned around just in time to see a truck and trailer with a backhoe chained onto it. Dan had let him borrow the equipment for the next few days.
Alex was never far away from me these days. Always staying within sight or ear shot of me. Riley had been right about his PTSD. He would wake me in the middle of the night, checking to see if I was still there, still breathing.
Alex got out of the truck and strode right over to me,wrapping me up in his arms and kissing me like it would be his last time. He wore my favorite worn jeans, the ones he would put on if he was going to be working outside. They used to be a dark wash but were faded now, with rips up on his thigh showing his tanned skin through with the smattering of dark hair. His signature black T-shirt stretched across his chest in its usual manor.
He still looked tired.
With recent events, he was a different man. I’d been trying to give him the time and the grace he needed to forgive himself. I didn’t mind the kisses or the constant attention he gave me now, but I knew he was still beating himself up. There wasn’t anything I could say or do to make him feel like it wasn’t his fault.
It would take time, but I knew he could pull out of this.
“I missed you,” he whispered against my lips.
I had only gotten here about five minutes before him; the only reason we got separated was because I got through a light before he did. “I missed you.”
I wasn’t going to tease him or admonish him for his newly clingy behavior. I wanted him to sleep at night, and if knowing my every move every day was what did it, I would give that to him.
The man who killed for me.
“You ready?”
