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No. The answer is no. I don’t ever want to have to live without Damon.
He’s the love of my life. I love him—so much.
But I’m torn apart by my loyalty to him and my loyalty to myself. Because I need to know.
I need to know what he covered up for Palmer that was criminal.
I need to know what happened, and why he’s incapable of moving on from his past.
I need to know why Sutton thinks Damon’s responsible for the death of her sister.
I’m so sorry, Damon, baby. Please forgive me for this double betrayal.
I grab the purple diary and head to my desk to read. I’m feeling bold reading it here, knowing Damon will be gone to his meeting all day.
Gregory says he can’t trust me anymore. I told him everything that happened about my dad pressuring me to be with Damon and bribing me with a studio of my own. He gets it, but it doesn’t lessen the betrayal. Damon noticed I lost a substantial amount of weight. He’s been watching me, ensuring I finish my meals even though I can barely stomach them. Thoughts of a future without Gregory fill me with utter dread and despair. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which parent to please, which man to choose, though if my heart could be my love compass, I would choose Gregory, over and over.
I’m pregnant with Gregory’s baby. I know because Damon and I always wear condoms and he pulls out.
For some reason, knowing Damon’s comfortable enough to have sex with me without a condom sparks triumph inside of me. I keep reading:
Besides, he’s barely touched me lately. He works all the time. I can feel him slowly retreating further and further away, and a part of me is grateful for it. I was happy with the news. I want to be with Gregory—my father be damned.
Gregory wasn’t happy. He insists he can’t trust me until I leave Damon for good. He said that I ruined us by leaving him for my career in the first place. He doesn’t buy my father’s bribery. He doesn’t believe that the baby is his.
HE BROKE UP WITH ME! He left me. Gregory. Left. Me.
Damon’s worried about me. He wants me to seek professional help for my depression. I texted Gregory how far along I am in my pregnancy, hoping it would change his mind, hoping he could see a future. I would leave Damon for him. He just has to trust me.
Gregory told me to stop contacting him. That he met someone he likes—a woman who would strengthen his political career. I wonder if he’s messing with me, because we both know our family ties merged into one would be very powerful. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, that he’s playing me, since it hurts him to see me with Damon.
He wasn’t lying. Gregory’s really ENGAGED. No one can SAVE ME. Not even Damon in his attempts to feed me, to soothe me, to take care of me. Who knew he could have such a tender side to him? A part of me hates him, for he’s the reason why Gregory’s now with HER. She’s prettier, richer, and even younger than me. I can’t stop staring at their pictures online. It’s killing me.
Damon eyes my dark paintings with an air of anxiety I never thought I’d see on him. Gone are the lovely sunsets and sunrises. Gone is the peaceful art that once matched mypeaceful heart. Seriously, I burned all of my innocent, pretty paintings and Damon is disappointed in me for it. Now I’m bleeding, I’m dying, and I can’t breathe. It hurts to live. If I can’t have Gregory, I don’t want to live.
Damon has had enough. He all but forced me into seeing my doctor. He prescribed me antidepressants, and by the way Damon’s staring at them, he’s wary of this plan. I always had an addictive personality. But at this point, what do I have to lose?
I sleep with Damon in case Gregory doesn’t snap out of it. I need a contingency plan if Gregory never speaks to me again. I might need Damon to think it’s his baby.
God, she sounded so innocent at first, so innocent.
What happened to her?
I pause my reading, needing a second to regroup, then I keep going after ensuring no one is around.
Gregory comes to see me today. He makes love to me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. I love this man with all my heart. I love him, and I want to be with him! My love for him weaves through the numbness of my meds, until he tells me he’s getting married in a month’s time! And here I was thinking our night spent together meant a reunion for us—not GOODBYE. I know we’re doomed when my mom sees Gregory sneak out and tells me to make sure Damon doesn’t find out about my infidelity. I know we’re done and through because if my mother wanted me with Gregory, she would do anything to break up his own wedding. Dad must have convinced her. I hate Gregory for doing this to me. He played me, and I was too naive to notice.
I went to Damon’s office tonight to tell him about the baby, yet something stopped me from telling him. He asks if everything’s okay and what’s been going on lately. He genuinely cares for me. I know he does. But I love another man.I carry the child of another man, and that’s a secret I’m not sure I’m ready to bear forever. Damon pushes me for answers. He’s sick and tired of being with a ghost, and I don’t blame him. I’m mediocre—the happy girl I once was completely gone. She’ll never return. She doesn’t belong inside of me anymore. Even if she came back, we’d be strangers. He suspects I’ve been taking too many pills, which I have. Damon faults himself—that’s what he does. He promises me that we will get through this together. I let him believe his own lies. I can’t believe Gregory doesn’t want me, but I don’t blame him because I wouldn’t want myself either.
I lost the baby and nobody knows I miscarried except my mom. Damon wishes for things to go back to the way they used to be. He’s a fool for even thinking that it’s a possibility. I lost the baby and with it I lost the only thing that tied me to Gregory.
Forgive me—it’s been a while. My mind and my feelings have gone to war. I’m a KILLER—a murderer. First, I lost my baby, then I almost killed a man. Damon and I were fighting that evening. I picked him up from work, too rattled to think straight. He stepped in the passenger seat while I drove us away, having no idea where my mind was at. It was pouring rain, and he was raising his voice since he didn’t want me driving. Then it hit me—to crash into the middle of the dark forest, positive my body wouldn’t survive it. I couldn’t even think of Damon at that moment. A part of me thought he hated me for destroying us. I should’ve died that night. I wasn’t supposed to crash into a motorcycle. Damon screamed my name before the act, desperate to salvage the accident, cursing himself for letting me drive, begging me not to do this as I tightly gripped the steering wheel, eager to end my life.
Damon didn’t matter.
The young man’s life didn’t matter.
I wanted to DIE ... please just let me DIE.
