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I want my Harvey back, but I’m afraid he’s long gone in a world where I’m not sure I belong.
“You coming?” He nods again, and I leave for the kitchen.
Our plates are on the table when he wheels himself into the room, using the strength of his body to push himself out of his wheelchair and onto the low-seated chair.
I welcome the pride I feel for him, for he wasn’t able to lift himself up this way right after the accident. His ability to hoist himself onto his bed or a chair has brought definition back to his stomach. Something I know matters to him.
We eat in silence. And it’s such a contrast to the chatty guy Harvey used to be. He was the life of the party. Now he’s living, but not on the edge. I can’t even remember the last time he smiled.
“This is good. Thank you.” His chin points to the piece of steak on his fork.
I smile. “You’re welcome.”
He looks around at the dimmed lights, the candle in the center of the table.
Does he know? Does he know how badly I want this,us, to work? I’d do just about anything. If only he’dsmileand be the happy Harvey he used to be.
I miss seeing his dimples.
I misshim.
I cut off a piece of steak, chewing slowly, pushing back the seconds before I break the news to him. Though I’ve stalled enough all week as it is.
“I have an interview tomorrow.”
His brow rises, his eyes fixated on our backyard. “Where?” He sips on his water.
“Downtown. At a consulting firm—environmental.”
The stern look of his blue eyes is like a jab of fire against my heart. They were always the key to the tunnel of his soul, a soul I got lost in and consumed by when we first met.
Still am today.
“Good luck. It’s in your field, so that’s good, right?”
“Yeah. It’s an assistant position, but it’s a start. You know I’ll still be here if you need me...”
A warm palm covers my hand, making me feel fuzzy and cozy inside.
Maybe this can work. I want to try to work on us again. He’s been in a better mood lately, and I shouldn’t let it go to waste.
How I yearn for his attention, for his affection, for his awareness.
How can a simple touch set fire to the insides of your soul, of your heart?
A sense of victory washes over me, hoping, pleading silently, that my game plan for tonight goes as thought out.
“Don’t worry about me. Besides, I have Claire.” And just like that, he lets go of my hand to finish his meal. I leave mine untouched, my mind frozen as I look away from him.
He couldn’t have delivered a lower blow.
I keep telling myself he likes her as his nurse and trainer, but I’m not sure.
“Are you gonna finish that?” He looks at my unfinished food. I shake my head and push the plate in front of him.
“Dig in.” I force a small smile to my lips.
Because I’m strong; I’m not weak.
