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I throw the dress on the floor, remove my bra, and put on a long T-shirt of Harvey’s. Sometimes, I spray a bit of his cologne on it. That way it’s almost as if he’s next to me, like he’s got me.
Except he doesn’t.
I don’t check on him. I get in bed and curl up in a fetal position, holding my arms tightly around myself while I enter a world where Harvey actually likes me.
I dream of darkness and shadows sucking the life out of me. It feels imminent—my death—ultimate and inevitable.
I wake in the middle of the night vaguely remembering those weird dreams.
But I know.
I know what they represent... my inner state of depression, whereby death represents the bleak hole my life has turned into along with the dimming of my own soul.
It all means one thing—I’m drowning in this chaos.
Almost Four Years Ago . . .
“Gemma? Are you even listening to me?” Gia asks me as we’re sitting beneath a tree on the campus of Chicago University. It’s a warm spring afternoon, so I figured I’d take advantage and sit outside.
Gia’s tucking her cardigan underneath her jacket, telling me about her and her husband’s plan to have a baby.
I nod, my fingers itching to return to the new fantasy novel I’ve been reading to avoid studying for exams. At least for the next few days—I tend to procrastinate my studying—something that hasn’t affected my grades yet.
“I heard you,” I say as I trace the spine of my book. “You said you’re trying for a baby. If you’re ready, then that’s good.”
“Ahyea-ah. I don’t want to wait till I’m old and wrinkly.” She scoffs.
“Sure, sure.” I don’t understand her need to rush—we’ll be twenty in a few months—and she just got married. But Gia always wanted the big family as soon as she was able while I want to enjoy my bike life beforehand. I do love James though; he’s great for her.
She sighs. “Seriously, Gem, what do you think?”
I give in, staring at her. “It’s none of my business what you and James decide, but it’d be nice to be an aunt.”
Her smile is enough to tell me I’ve appeased her. “Alright, well, I have to go to class, then study. You should too.”
I nod even though we both know the second she walks away I’ll be nose deep in this book. She wiggles her fingers and leaves me.
That’s when I notice the same guy from last week, sitting on a picnic table. His friends surround him, yet he’s sketching something in his notebook.
Blue eyes. Blond hair covered by a gray beanie.
Our eyes lock, and my pulse hammers in my wrist.
I’m close enough that I can hear one of his friends tell a joke. Everyone laughs except for the blue-eyed boy, who simply smirks and continues whatever he’s doing in his notebook.
I swallow, doing my best to focus on my novel, but it’s kind of impossible to get sucked into the words of a hot book boyfriend when there’s a real hot guy close by.
I peek over the book, only to find him deep into his work. One of the girls in the group whispers something in his ear, turning his head to get his attention.
“You’ll be there, Harvey?” She then says loud enough for me to hear.
He shrugs, lean, muscular shoulders framing him perfectly. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
Her smile makes me wonder if she’s his girlfriend or someone yearning for that title.
When the group leaves, he tells them he’ll catch up with them later, so I pretend to read—rereading the same paragraph over and over.
He walks toward me, kicking my ankle boot when he reaches me. I look up, pushing my hair behind my ear.
