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“Sweetheart. How are you? You don’t call as much anymore.” His voice fills the car through Bluetooth on my way home from work.
I need to focus on the road. I’m so all over the place these days, I can’t even concentrate on my driving.
Focus, Gemma.
“I know. I’m sorry. Work’s been busy.” I’m lying. It’s more than work. It’s Damon and Harvey and Harvey and Damon.
Everyone knows dealing with one man is complicated enough; why did I have to get tangled up with two? What was I thinking?
“Gia told me you’re having a hard time.”
I gulp, the invisible ball in my throat making a keen appearance again. I stop at a red light, gathering my thoughts.
“What did she tell you?”
His laugh is low, full of wisdom and love. “She said there’s another man in your life and that you’re confused about him and Harvey.”
“Yeah, well, that’s a good way to sum it up.” My voice cracks as my foot rests on the brake pedal. “I don’t know what todo.”
I hear the squeaky, old chair in his office. No matter how many times Gia and I have begged him to buy a new one, he refuses. It’s comfortable, he always says, and it’s the chair that saw his career bloom as an architect.
“I can’t decide for you, but don’t ever be afraid of being alone. Sometimes it’s the best thing for the time being.”
“Shouldn’t I have it all figured out? Like Gia and James?”
“Gemma,” he says with a laugh. “The secret to life is that you never really have it all figured out. That’s the beauty of it. If everything was set in stone, we’d never grow. True, you and your sister are on different paths, but her time might come later. I’m a strong believer that at one point everyone has to look within to find the answers they’re looking for.”
“Sure, sure.”
“You know what you want. You know you do.”
“How can IleaveHarvey?” I’m hyperventilating, my breathing quick and irregular.
“If that’s what you want. He’ll always be a part of your life; your relationship will just hold a different title.”
I can’t talk; I’m so afraid I’ll bawl my eyes out.
He continues, “Day by day. That’s how you do life. Day by day.”
I think of the fact that he lost his beloved wife; she didn’t leave only my sister and me. He lost his precious love, and he had to find a way to live without her and be happy again.
For our sake.
He tells me he’ll be in Seattle for a few days to meet a client but that we’ll have a family dinner upon his return. Then we hang up by the time I arrive home.
I don’t know why Harv told me to come home. What does he expect us to do? Go back to the way things were? Ignore the fact that he loves Claire and I want Damon?
We keep going in a circle, over and over, and nothing ever changes. I’m not sure how much more of myself I can give to him... I’m not even sure Iwantto give him more of me.
I’m exhausted—our love has drained me, emotionally, physically—and I simply don’t think I can keep doing this anymore.
It’s time I think of myself. It’s time to work on myself. It’s time he works on himself.
Because together, we are the worst versions of ourselves. It wasn’t always like this, but somewhere along the way, I lost a piece of myself to hold our puzzle together.
And I’m done—I’m done carrying this load over my shoulder.
I take a deep breath in before turning the key and stepping inside.
