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His jaw flexed. “Fucking Wade,” he said in a tight voice. “He … he said I better do right by you, and if he was your dad, he’d haunt me for eternity.”
A loud, shocked laugh burst from my mouth, and when Jax gave me an incredulous look, I slapped a hand over my mouth.
“Sorry,” I said, wiping that shaky hand over my forehead. “God, this day. I wish I’d had a little heads-up when my alarm went off.” He gave me another look. “Right. You too, huh?”
With another deep breath, I stared out at the trees lining either side of the long driveway that led to the house.
Carefully, I spread my fingers open over the back of the notebook, an idea unfolding in my jumbled brain. Every step we took now had to be made with intention. With thoughtfulness.
I’d tried to do that, setting this meeting with my family, but as usual, Jax had a way of bulldozing through even the best of my intentions.
It was always him, wasn’t it?
Even when it shouldn’t be. Even when it hurt me to keep a hold of him at the back of my mind. Just like I’d done when I agreed to my date with Dean, I made sure that the thing binding me to Jax wasn’t hooked deep anymore, wasn’t erasing any ability for logical thought. It had for years, hadn’t it?
I’d never been able to logically explain why my whole body angled toward him when he came into the room. Whymy eyes were always drawn to him. Why my soul recognized something in his that couldn’t ever be named.
It was time to set those childish things aside. My hand coasted down my belly again, and I took a deep breath. It wasn’t about me or the feelings that plagued me for so long. And he knew that too. My feelings were probably the reason he offered in the first place—some misguided attempt at chivalry.
Chivalry had its place. But between me and this complicated, mysterious man, marriage did not.
“I think we should make a pros and cons list,” I said decisively, my shoulder barely brushing his as I came to a stop next to where he stood against the railing. His entire frame was taut with tension, a low level vibration seeping from his skin to mine, and I could only imagine how hard this was for him.
Jax glanced up at the sky wordlessly.
My fingers tapped a frantic rhythm against the front of my bump, and for the briefest of seconds, his eyes locked onto the small, nervous gesture, then moved away again.
“Pros,” I said in a steady voice. “I think we’d get along well. I mean, we don’t hate each other.” His chin dropped to his chest, the biceps in his arms popping with the force of how tightly he held himself. “But I’m not sure that’s a reason for marriage,” I added lightly. “I’d very much like to enter into that particular legal arrangement with the belief that it will last forever, and will be for love.” Somewhere in my chest, my heart thumped unevenly—a bruising sort of pain buried deep in that irregularity. It was another moment before I spoke again. “And I don’t think you’re in love with me, Jax.”
Under his breath, Jax muttered a curse word so softly that I couldn’t hear it. He pushed off the railing, and in a few long-legged strides, he gave us both some space while he braced his hands on his hips and stared out at the trees too.
My chin rose an inch, eyes locked on his harshly beautiful profile.
“Cons,” I continued, steeling myself for the reaction. “I have a boyfriend, and I’m not sure he’d understand me getting engaged to someone else on such short notice.”
Jax’s head snapped up in my direction, his eyes blazing so fiercely that the force of it sucked the air straight from my lungs.
“You what?” he rasped.
It sounded like his voice was wrenched from deep in his chest, some painful, battered place, and a corresponding spot in my own body felt it like a blow.
“His name is Dean,” I told him. “We met just before you left on your trip. He’s … the vet in town and responded remarkably well when I had to inform him his girlfriend was pregnant by another man about a month after we started dating.”
Jax dropped his chin down to his chest again, leaning forward to grip the porch railing. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the way the skin on his knuckles went white from the force of it.
His rib cage expanded on deep, uneven breaths, and the veins on his muscled forearms were just another glimpse into how tightly he was holding himself together.
“I’m sure you’ll meet him eventually,” I said steadily.
His eyes stayed locked on the ground. “Can’t wait.”
The dangerous edge to his voice had me standing straighter. “Jax, even if I hadn’t met Dean, us getting married because I’m pregnant is a terrible idea.”
The line of his throat moved on a swallow, and he pushed back from the railing, crossing his arms again as he faced me.
“When I get married, it’s going to be for love—because he can’t imagine not marrying me because being apart sounds like punishment.” The thick press of emotion clogged my throat. “Not out of obligation.” His brow furrowed, and hismouth pinched into a straight line. The look in his eyes almost made it impossible to speak, but I was not going to let this day pass without letting this be said. “I know you’re trying to do the right thing, but this? This is not what I need from you.”
In an instant, his face went blank. Like a wall slammed shut behind his eyes, blocking his thoughts from view entirely. He blinked a few times, clearly gathering himself from whatever that disconnection did inside him.
