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Remember when I thought it sucked having the entire town of Sisters staring at me, wondering who went and knocked me up?
Feeling your family’s eyes on you was a million times worse once they knew. Really, actually knew who’d done it. In a messy corner of my jumbled brain, I told myself that it wouldn’t have felt like this if I’d been prepared, but despite the fact that Jax ostensibly fell off the face of the planet for months, I wasn’t really prepared for what I’d do when I saw his stupid, handsome face again.
An atomic bomb just went off at the forefront of my entire existence, blooming so high in the sky that it dwarfed everything around it, and the only thing that was left to do was deal with the messy fallout. We’d be feeling the effects of this for a long time, and that was if Jax and I could figure out a seamless way to co-parent.
If.
If.
If.
I didn’t even know for sure if he wanted to come to my appointment. That wasonesmall question. A thousand more were behind it.
So many ifs in my life since I showed up on his doorstep. Where was Patrice now when I needed her sage advice?
I went the long way around the front of the store, trying to avoid Cameron and Greer, hoping they were back inside working. But I wasn’t quite so lucky. My mom was waiting by the car with her arms tight around her middle and a deeply thoughtful look on her face. Greer leaned against the passenger door, but her eyes locked on mine the moment I came into view.
She opened her mouth, and I held up a hand. “No,” I said firmly. “Not now, Greer.”
My big sister, one of my very best friends in the world, sucked in a sharp breath and blew it out oh-so slowly. “You don’t even know what I was going to say,” she replied softly.
“I don’t.” My stomach trembled, and everything inside my head felt like I was a Tilt-A-Whirl. “But not now, Greer. Please. I know I lied, and it was fucked up, but it wasn’t just him. I was there too, and… I can’t talk about this now,” I finished in a trembling voice.
Slowly, she nodded, then wrapped her arms around me in an impossibly tight squeeze that helped settle that unsettled swirling of my thoughts. Judging by the look on my mom’s face, she and Greer shared a look over my head, and once I’d pulled out of Greer’s embrace, I slid into the car and dropped my head back on the seat.
Once my mom was behind the driver’s seat, she took her time hooking her seat belt, and the weight of her concerned gaze almost broke me. Everything inside me wobbled like a tower of cards. The slightest pressure and I might crack.
His face.
Oh, his face when we stood outside.
Not once in all the years that I’d watched Jax had I ever seen him look lost. Overwhelmed. Like he was going to pass the hell out.
“Do you want to go home instead of lunch?”
I pinched my eyes shut and nodded. “Please.”
Mom pulled out her phone and sent a quick text. We’d planned on meeting one of her friends she’d met in a grief support group, someone I hadn’t met yet.
Looking over at her, I studied her face, wondering if she was feeling the Jax-bombshell effect, but she looked surprisingly unruffled. “You can still go if you want,” I told her. “I’ll probably take a nap once we get home anyway.”
Mom smiled gently. “No, it’s okay. She’ll understand. I’d rather be home if you want to talk.”
I didn’t, though. Not yet, at least.
Once we were back at the house, I immediately went upstairs and burrowed straight under the covers, the tears that I’d held back threatening with a mighty vengeance. Mom tapped her knuckles against the door and crept in when I didn’t answer. Maybe she heard the pathetic little sniffle from underneath the covers.
She smoothed a hand over my back, pulling the blanket away from where I’d clutched it to my face. Her smile was small, but it was there.
“You used to do that when you were little,” she said. “Hide your face in the blanket when you napped.”
“I did?”
She hummed, playing with the strands of hair around my face. The gentle brush of her fingers had my eyelids fluttering closed. “You told me once you could focus on sleeping more when you couldn’t see things to distract you.”
“I have a lot more to distract me now,” I whispered. “Think it’ll still go away if I hide?”
“No, sweetheart.” The warm weight of her hand moved to my shoulder, and she squeezed, comforting and soft. “Is this the part where I tell you I’m not really all that surprised?”
