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I angled in my seat to face her more fully, leaning my head against the back of the chair. “But you still did it, even if you knew.”
“He was pretty impossible to resist,” she said, voice wavering slightly. “But I did. Even if it was crazy, and even if it didn’t make sense to anyone else.” She tapped her temple. “My head was the thing telling me to be careful. Telling me Imight get hurt again.” She tapped her chest. “But in here, I knew he was exactly what I wanted. This is the thing we need to listen to with these big, scary, should-be-easy decisions.” Mom searched my face. “This isn’t really about the house, is it?”
Slowly, I shook my head. “I don’t mind the idea of change,” I told her. “We’ve had enough of it in our lives. And I know the house is perfect. Staying home always made me feel like I’d never quite grown up. I feel good knowing I can do this, and make a home for baby. I can provide for us, even if I’m getting help along the way.” My eyes closed firmly. “I finally feel like I know what I’m doing in life, you know? My job, the baby, and now this. “
“But…”
My stomach somersaulted over the question I was trying to answer with no real clarity and no real exit plan. “What if … what if after all this time—being heartsick over him for so long, telling myself that it was just one night, and trying to be friends—what if he’s the one thing I can never outgrow? If I’ll sit here and watch him leave over and over again, disappear when I least expect it, and I wait and wait and wait for him to want something more?” Tears slid silently down my cheeks. “Why is it so hard not to feel anything for him? It should be easy.”
Mom made a small tsking sound with her tongue. “That’s your problem, honey. Those should’ves will drive you crazy, and you need to let those stay in the past where they belong.”
My eyes rose to hers. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t think you want someone easy to love, Poppy.” She held my gaze, open and honest and the slightest hint of challenge. “Of all my kids, you and Cameron are the most alike. Not only do you have supernatural patience, but I think you want the challenge, like he did with Ivy. You want to love someone who won’t open easily because you are the kind of person who knows exactly what’s waiting underneath whenthey do. Probably better than that person knows, actually.” She leaned forward and set her hand over mine, gripping my fingers tight. “You’ve always known what’s inside that man, and maybe I can see that more easily than the rest because I’m old, and I’ve had so many years to watch how people love, what happens when they run scared, and what happens when they don’t. It takes incredible strength to look someone’s fears in the face and decide to love them anyway,” she said, her eyes firmly on mine, and I felt that eye contact rip through my skin. “As a friend. Or more.”
Chewing on my bottom lip, I stared down at the notebook in my lap and tried to filter through what was happening in my heart, that stubborn organ that went in direct contradiction to my much more logical head.
“Can you love him as a friend or more, knowing what’s underneath?” she asked. “Can you figure out a way to co-parent with him through that too, knowing he might never face the fears that hold him back?”
Mom didn’t wait for an answer. She merely smiled at whatever she saw on my face as she stood from the chair. She paused to plant a kiss on the top of my head.
“And don’t worry, I’ll find a use for your room before the last box is packed,” she whispered.
Through my quiet tears, I managed to laugh. Waiting for them to ebb, I finally set the notebook down on the side table and swapped it out for my phone.
I pulled up Jax’s number and carefully tapped out a message.
Chapter 26
Jax
“Which one do you like better?” she asked.
I squinted. “You cannot tell me those colors are even the slightest bit different.”
She rolled her eyes, tucking the paint swatches back into the display. “I knew I should’ve asked Greer to help me with this.”
The delicate smell of orange blossoms was too addicting to ignore.
I leaned closer, dropping my mouth closer to her ear. “Yeah, but then you’d have to deal with Greer, and I’m so much more pleasant, aren’t I?”
“You’re something,” she muttered.
With a grin that I knew she couldn’t see, I backed away. The older gentleman working behind the paint counter watched us with a knowing twinkle in his eyes. “Picking nursery colors?” he asked. “We’ve got some brochures over on the left side if you want to take a peek.”
Poppy and I locked eyes, hers dropping first. “Eventually, yes, we will. Today is just a spare bedroom.” She nudged me with her elbow. “Someone allowed it to be painted a really horrid neon green color.”
He smiled. “Ahh. You might be wanting some color-blocking primer then,” he said. “Why don’t I show you where that is.”
Poppy pushed the cart behind him, chatting warmly as he asked her a few questions about the project. I didn’t follow right away, instead studying an end cap filled with roller covers and brushes. I picked a package of covers, tucking it under my arm while I settled on a two-inch brush. I had my own set of paintbrushes, but it would be smart for Poppy to have her own at the house too.
With that in mind, I picked out another smaller one, a four-inch roller and some covers, along with a few rolls of painters tape. My hands were full when I approached them in the aisle over.
She gave me a curious glance when I dumped everything into the cart, but I ignored it and kept wandering.
I studied the contents of a basic tool set with a bright pink cover with narrowed eyes. What good would something like this be if she had an emergency in the middle of the night? I sighed, striding back to the front of the store to grab a second cart. Extra light bulbs. Emergency flashlights. Batteries. Small camping lanterns in case she lost power. Every new section of the store had me running through an exhaustive list of what she could possibly need in any given scenario. Maybe an extra Taser or two couldn’t hurt either. My chest pinched, and I rubbed at it.
Fuck, had it always been so dangerous to live alone? I’d made it down three aisles, adding more and more, until she found me trying to decide between two different power drills. Quickly, I stepped away from the cart because she’d probably think I’d lost my fucking mind.
