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“It’s just a name.”
“It’s more than that.”
“It doesn’t have to be who you are,” he saidwith a little bit of hope in his voice.
I wanted to know what he saw in me tobelieve I could be better. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
He sighed, played with his fingers on hislap. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. You deserve achance.” There was a slight pause. He didn’t look away. His eyeswere so intense, pulling something from inside of me.
“It won’t absolve me.”
“Nothing will if you don’t let it.”
Whatever Tomás had planted inside my chesthad bloomed. I felt it everywhere. “Are you coming back toArcadia?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes.”
He nodded. “Then I’ll go back.”
“If I sign this, we can’t … we won’t be ableto really be together.”
He licked his lips, his eyes lowering again.Words played in my memories, what he’d said in the car aboutwaiting for me. I wanted that so damn bad. If I was a good person,I’d let him go. If I was a good person, I’d want to see him happy,even if it was without me. But the thought nipped at the dark partinside me. The part that Cillian had created, used, molded into akiller. I couldn’t just walk away from Tomás.
“You asked if I wanted you to wait until Iwas ready to come out. Yes. I want you to wait for me.” My heartfelt about to burst.
“Why?” he asked, as if a reflexiveresponse.
Because I love you. The words were onthe tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t get them out. Instead, I wentwith, “Because you’re mine.”
Unlike me, Tomás wasn’t very good atschooling his emotions. He wore them all the time in his eyes. Hisbeautiful eyes. I had hurt him. I saw that clear as day. I also sawthe moment he decided to give me what I wanted. Him. Any way Icould get him. He leaned in and kissed me. It burned my skin, drewall my nerve endings taut. Every cell in my body came alive underhis touch and I wanted so much more. Slowly, it ended. “Okay. I’llwait until you’re ready. I’ll do whatever you want me to do becauseI love you.” He slid the pen close to my fingers. “Sign.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Tomás
The drive back to school seemed longer thistime. Coldplay on the radio, the sound of slush as the tires spunagainst the snow and my mind wandered. I’d left Kieran back at theBrennan’s place with the three words I couldn’t stop thinkingabout.I love you. They were true but saying them changedeverything. He hadn’t said it back, not that I expected him to.Whatever we had was tainted in lies.
After the man who took me dropped me atCillian Brennan’s feet, literally, I regretted leaving Kieran. Iregretted not telling him how I felt. I regretted knowing thatDaniel was still alive. Maddox warned me that Cillian would tortureme for that information. Use me. But Maddox had been wrong.
Cillian hadn’t cared about Daniel. He hadshowed me pictures of me and Kieran near the chapel when we firstkissed. Inside my room while we were having sex. Hatred and disgustpulled his features.
“You learn a lot from someone watching himtake a life,” Cillian had said. “And do you know how many livesKieran has taken?” That was a rhetorical question I couldn’tanswer. A beat later, he answered it. “Twenty-six,” he said. “Andevery time I see death in his eyes, I know it’s what he is.Death.”
All the hairs along my body had stood onend.
“Kieran is ready to lead,” Cillian went on.The calm deadly sound of his voice made me more afraid than I’dever been, even with my psychopathic brother, Miguel. “I didn’twaste my time molding him to have it all crumble overyou.He’ll chose death, his family, over you. And he’ll make itquick.”
“Fuck you,” I had spat back. I had hoped itsounded a little bit surer, but I had doubts too.
Cillian had knocked me out and I woke upwith a masked stranger several hours later. Except, I knew it wasKieran. He’d chosenme. After he left me alone in that car,I had walked to a nearby café and begged the waitress to let me useher phone. Between being kidnapped and saved by a stranger, I’dlost mine. The only number I had memorized was Nick’s. After I gavehim a cleaner version of what happened to me, he had given meMaddox’s number. Nick had saved the number after Maddox called himlooking for me. Maddox had arrived at the café looking all kinds offeral. I had expected him to blame me for getting caught. Hehadn’t. And after I lied and told him I was knocked out for all ofit and woke up in an abandoned car, he took me to his brother’splace where I got to see Kieran. Where I promised to wait for him.And he had signed his legitimacy. No longer Romano, Kieran was aBrennan now. We reached the campus grounds and waited for our turninside. The car became stifling and I kept shifting. We hadn’tspoken about what happened in Chicago. About Daniel and Cruz beingalive. About why I’d been taken in the first place.
“You’ll be protected as a Brennan,” Maddoxfinally said. And of all things, he had to saythat.
I snorted. “Really? Because I’ve been shotat, kidnapped—” I ticked it off on my fingers, “—and druggedbecause of you. Not to mention everything else that happened to mebecause…” Because of our mother hating him.
We didn’t choose our blood family. My motherhad abused me. My brother Daniel had lied to me about Maddox allthese years. Daniel had left me, hadn’t told me what he planned. Iwanted to blame Maddox because of who he was. A killer. But so weremy father and other brothers. I was a killer too. “I’m sorry,” Isaid sheepishly.
